extracted text

~~HERLAND ~
May, 1994

MorHERSONG

ICE

MAKE A DIFFERENCE
FOR MOTHER'S DAY

by Judith Rycroft

by Helen Miller

Mother's Day is May 8-time to sing a little Mother-song:
M is for the miUion things she gave me;
0 means only that she's growing old.
"T" is for the tears she shed to save me;
"H'' is for her heart of purest gold.
"E" is for her eyes with lovelight shining;
"R" is right, and right she'll always be.
Put them all together, they spell "Mother,"
a word that means the world to me.
That'smy mother, every word-even the '"R' is right .... "
She is so Right that she would vote for Pat Robertson for
President! I trytooverlookthatstrange conviction ...goodness
knows she overlooks many of mine!
I learned that song in my eighth year of daughterhood.
I sang it to Mother, who smiled mistily and said, "How
sweet; thank you!" and all that stuff, but there was a degree
of effusiveness missing.
Later, seeking reassurance, I asked, ''Did you really like
the song?" "It was wonderful, Honey ...but what was that
lineabout'growingold'?"Shehasalwayshadalittletrouble
handling age.
Age is a Painful Reality, and my mother simply cannot
absorb Painful Realities. Oh, sometimes she can hang onto
one a little while, but then it fades. Part• of this survival
technique is conscious-she prays away the negatives. Much
of it, however, is unconscious; her mind will not hold onto
more than she can deal with. The result is that she is
~ail~gly c~eerful, optimistic, and positive ...and many
times m my life I was a motherless child.
I could be resentful of the times I told my mother about
pain-molestation, rape, abuse-and she didn't hear my cries
for help. She never suggested. I wasn't telling the truth; she
justindicated.thatmyversionofthetruthmightnotbevalid"Oh, Honey, maybe you just misunderstood."
I could be resentful of the elocution, ballet, and voice
lessons, the dresses, the curls, all the devoted dedication that
went into her attempts to force a chunky tomboy into a Little
Lady mold.
I could be resentful, and perhaps I am-at some level or
at some times. One of the things she taught me, though, was
to try. to understand others' motives and, thereby, their
behavior.
Mother Nature's prime motive is survival of the species.
Human motives echo Nature's; it's just that we have tried to
overlay instinct with manipulations of thought and environment.
(continued page 4)
11

0

11

11

Volume 11 Number 5

In 1907, Anna Jasvis began a letter campaign to governors, members of Congress, and the President to recognize a
day to honor mothers. In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson
issued a proclamation declaring Mother's Day "as a public
expression of our love and reverence for the mothers of our
countsy."
As Mother's Day approaches, we may begin to think
about what motherhood means to us. In the courtrooms of
America, motherhood is being narrowly defined by conservative viewpoints that ignore the reality of healthy lesbian and
gay families. The question in the law becomes, "Are lesbianism and motherhood compatible?"
Hundreds of lesbian custody cases are fought yearly,
with many being settled out of court. In most of the cases, the
le~bianism of the mother is given priority over her parenting
skills. In most of the cases, the lesbian mother loses.
In 1992, papers were filed in the District Court of Cleveland County seeking the removal of two young children from
the custody of their mother based solely on the grounds that
she is a lesbian and lives with her partner. The judge's ruling
stated thatthemotherwas "unfit" solely because of her sexual
orientation and gave immediate custody to the father . In
response to this ruling the Herland Legal Defense Fund was
created to raise money for a series of appeals.
(continued page B)

)-) ERtJ.\~I D

SPRt~IG

R;·raEJ.\·r

featunng
Miss 8rown to You
MAY

20-22

See Jnside for Registration lnfomation

Herland Sister Resources

2312 N.W. 39, OKC, OK 73112

Sr. Sve1L
Sybil Ludington, Matron Saint of the Forgotten Woman, is an
occasional contributor to this space. Although she likes to think
of herself as all wise and all knowing, views expressed by her
are her own, and not necessarily the views of The Voice.

Dear St. Sybil,
Here it is, Spring has sprung, and to go along with the
gorgeous flowering trees and shrubs, my back yard has
turned into a dandelion patch - it looks like the lawn is
wearing a beautiful yellow and green dotted swiss coverlet.
Myproblemismypartner,whothinksdandelionsareweeds
and wants me to get out there and mow them all under. Do
I have to?
Sorrowfully,
Olive M . Aull
Dear Olive,
No. Ofcoursenot. Never. Notonyourlife. Well,ok,
maybe someday; when those pretty little yellow blooms tum
into fuzzy blowing grey things you will probably want to,
and then you can.
The whole thing about lawns and flower gardens kind of
has all of us here bemused, even those who were avid
gardeners while living on Earth. Actually it is the srassmore
than anything which seems such-a-human anomaly. You
tear down everything natural to build your little houses and
then plant this boring manicured basically worthless stuff,
and poison it and the abnosphere and any dogs, cats, birds,
worms, snails, butterflies, beetles, ladybugs, lightning bugs,
snakes, gophers, possums, raccoons and little kids who live
or playonit;justto keep it as bland and boring looking as you
can. Grass belongs on the golf course, Olive, tell your partner
that.
And as for flowers - believe me, where I am we don't
differentiate between "flowers" and "weeds." The dandelionis asbrightandcheerfulacolor, andas pleasingindesign,
as any flower can be. Its appearance in the Springtime is a
tribute to all that is beautiful and enduring. It is, truly, the
good hardy peasant stock of the flower fiefdom.
What is my favorite flower, you ask? Lilac, of course,
huge bunches and bushes of lavender and white lilac perfuming the earth with a sweet whiff of heaven; and zinnias,
of oourse, a homely sweet flower with no perfume to speak
of, but a perfect design in such subtle variations of color the
heart sings; and carnations, fresh grown in the field, with an
aroma thatmakesa person wish to be corporeal again...ahem.
And honeysuckle, a wonderful weed, sweet smelling
andtastytoo. Theperfectweed,ofcourse,isHemp. Ifhemp
weregrownforpaper,therewouldbenodebateoverspotted
owls vs. timber-hemp isarenewablefarmablesourceoffiber
for making paper, clothes, rope, strong fabrics - did you
know that during World War Two the US Government paid
farmers to grow hemp for the war effort? A little known but
fascinating nugget, and true.

The medicinal properties of hemp are still being discovered, more slowly than they should be because of the nature
of the weed and the controversy surrounding it. It is quite
amazing to us here to see your society attempt to suppress
such a useful plant. Even if you didn't want to get together
once a month and smoke it and celebrate and have fun and
give thanks to Creation for it, you could still use it for its other
benefits. Hemp was legal until very recently in your history,
a valuable crop (and still Oklahoma's largest cash crop); but
unfortunately Hemp isa lot like solar energy-so ample and
available that not enough people can figure out how to make
enough money from it. As soon as they do, my dear, it will
be legalized, believe me.
Well, Olive, I believe I digress. Sorry. It's hard not
to get on a high horse when people are being so idiotic. Love
to you and your partner, anddon'tmow down anythingyou
don't want to.
Love & kisses,
Sybil

Personaland confidential to VN: Oh my dear, you know
Oklahoma needs you - your scholarship, your intelligence,
your courage, and your cocky attitude ...
Many Oklahomans love to appear ignorant and bigoted
andcrimsonaround the old collar, butoneononeareusually
just as pleasant and neighborly as anyone could ask for; and
there don't appear to be more hate crimes per capita in
Oklahoma than there are elsewhere - it's probably the
frontier live-and-let-live spirit at work. Howsomever, there
are a few very vocal idiots, notably in the legislature and in
some pulpits, who celebrate ignorance and inflame bigotry;
your voice is urgently needed to help quell their's.
Anyway, how could you even think of leaving after the
gorgeous Spring you are having this year - really! Alaska,
pshaw; rain and dark and cold; who needs it...
Admiringly yours,
SL
D

'be.&;a

Her/and Voice May, 1994

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.Sa.{• !lJcntid~!J {o~ £fnud .duwiuou
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foR AppoiNTMENT

JOY HUSKA, D.V.M.

~ May~ 1994~
SUPPORT GROUP fomillg for Wcm!n with HIV.

If JOU are interested

in helping farm this networking/support group, call 405/524-3903.

Monda~

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HISS BROWN
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Herland

PEGGY
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at
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323 W. Boyd
in Norman
9pRt - 2am

John Bram, May 9, 1800 - 1859; Aboliti.mist & Bartyr
Bargaret Poller, May 23, 1810 - 1850; PbUnsqiber and FEiiini.st.
Mary Harris (Bother) Jones, May 1, 1830 - 1930
llal.cobl I, May 19, 1925 - 1965
Harvey llilk, BaJ 21, 1930 - 1978

HERLAND SISTER RESOURCES, INC.

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Permrt No. 861

HUMAN RIGHTS IN TULSA
The Tulsa Human Rights Commission's Committee on
Sexual Orientation has issued a report stating that they found
evidence of discrimination and prejudice based on sexual
orientation and calling on the Tulsa Human Rights Commission to recommend changes in city policy and ordinances.
Among the recommendations are a proposal to amend
the Tulsa human rights ordinance adding the words, "sexual
orientation" and a proposal that the city'semploymentpolicy
prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation
be written into law by the city council. The committee's
recommended changes to law would prohibit discrimination
in housing and public accommodations in Tulsa.
The Tulsa Human Rights Commission will hold two
public hearings to allow comments on the proposals before a
decision is made about a recommendation to the Tulsa City
Council. The hearings will be May 4 at Aaronson Auditorium
in the Central Library and May9 atthe West Regional Library.
Tulsa Oklahomans for Human Rights is encouraging
anyone who lives in Tulsa, does business there, or travels to
Tulsa to contact members of the Tulsa City Council to support
the proposed amendment to Tulsa's anti-discrimination act.D

LETTERS
Dear Herland:
Enclosed is my Herland Sustainer pledge. I am more than
happy to be a contributor. I think that it's a splendid way to
instill pride in the collective and in its stated mission.
I am also very happy to see that one of the stated goals for
Herland is to develop a policy for active participation by
transgenders and men. Support of the collective's mission
does not necessarily stop at biological sex or gender identity
boundaries, and I think I am at least one example.
As I'm sure that at least some of the staff is aware, I'm a
lesbian-identified, male-to-female transsexual, still
preoperative at this point in time, but scheduled for my
surgery (finally) in June. I've been pretty open and up-front
aboutbeingcrossgenderedandlesbian.l'moutandrelatively
outspoken. Not all TS's are comfortable being open about
their transsexuality and I or their sexual preference, but that's
an individual matter, and being open doesn't necessarily
make me any more, orless, a human being. It just means that
I feel good about who I am, and I want to share that feeling.
Regardless of gender or sexual preference, it takes a belief in
oneself as a whole person, as a complete being, to love ourselves and to live the life that we were created to enjoy. That
affirmation cannot be manifested or given to us by someone
else - it has to come from within.
My path to surgery has certainly been bumpy. I've taken
my share of emotional lumps and bumps along the way' and
my journey is not over. It has just begun. I sincerely thank my
many friends, both men and women, both gay and straight,
for affirming me as the whole person that I am. I thank
Herland and my friends within the lesbian community for
being straightforward and honest with me. I would expect
nothing less.
Lovingly,
Kendra Marie Foyil

DuE PROCESS
by Vivien Ng

However you look at it, OU botched the way it handled
the "Teepee Incident." If, as the American Indian students
alleged, several fraternity members vandalized the teepee
that they set up on campus to celebrate American Indian
Heritage Week last month, the silence maintained by President Van Hom is disgraceful. The university ultimately
decided not to file charges against the fraternity members
because of "lack of evidence," and stoutly defended their
actions by invoking "due process."
Well, I'm willing to take the officials at their word and
accept their explanation that they had followed due process.
But I'm not willing to excuse Van Horn's curious silence about
the whole matter. On second thought, perhaps I shouldn't
have been so surprised for,after all,itwas Van Horn who came
up with the brilliant idea several years ago that a good way to
improve racial climate on campus was for majority students to
"smile every morning at a member of the minority." Yes, flash
a row of teeth and all will be forgiven.
A leader with moral courage would have taken the opportunity to address the issues of racism and intolerance. He
(in the social and political context of OU, the leader will remain
a "he" for a long time to come) could first ask students to
withhold judgment about the specific fraternity members
until all the facts could be determined, and then use the
occasion to say that racism and disrespect for others have no
place at the University of Oklahoma. His advisors should
have shown him the Michigan Law Reviewarticle written by
Mari Matsuda (a Japanese American law professor) that
argues powerfully for the need to regulate racist speech.
Matsuda makes the convincing case that a university that
opts to do nothing about racist speech on campus hurts all
students: "Official tolerance of racist speech in [the university] setting is more harmful than generalized tolerance in the
community-at-large. It is harmful to student perpetrators in
thatitisa lesson ingetting-away-with-itthatwill have lifelong
repercussions. It is harmful to targets, who perceive the
university as taking sides through inaction, and who are left to
their own resources in coping with the damage wrought.
Finally, it is a harm to the goals of inclusion, education,
development of knowledge, and ethics that universities exist
and stand for. Lessons of cynicism and hate replace lessons in
critical thought and inquiry."
Lacking access to all the facts, I have no way of telling
what really happened that night on March 14. The fraternity
insists that its members are innocent of the charges lodged
against them by the American Indian students. Butwhatl do
know is the history of insensitivity on the part of Van Hom to
racial matters on the campus of OU. What I can feel for the
American Indian students is solidarity with them in their
struggle for recognition and respect. I offer them a quote from
Gloria Anzaldua from her book, Borderlands: '1 will no
longer be made to feel ashamed of existing. I will have my
voice:Indian,Spanish,white.Iwillhavemyserpent'stonguemy woman's voice, my sexual voice, my poet's voice. I will
overcom~the tradition of silence."
0
Her/and Voice

May, 1994

3

MOTHERHOOD
By Jo Soske

I stand in awe of the task before me. How shall I write
about my experience of motherhood - a subject of volumes for a short piece which must be completed within five days.
Still, this may be the most appropriate time for me to do exactly
that. My mothering is about to undergo perhaps the most
major change I have known - perhaps not. It may be that
change and contrast are inherent in the very definition of
motherhood.
In 1981, I wrote an article about lesbian motherhood for
the Brazen Hussy Rag. I was angry. The lesbian community
- my community-was grappling with the politics of separatism. Ideas such as those espoused by Alix Dobkin were being
discussed and examined . One womon even suggested to me
that I should consider "giving my son up for the good of the
lesbian community." It was in this atmosphere that I took pen
in hand to defend my right to be both Lesbian and mother.
This was not a theoretical discussion for me. This was about
my baby. Jon was 4 years old.
In 1989, Jon wrote a chapter for Louise Rafkin's book,
diHerentMothers. ltarticulates the struggleofa young person
attempting to reconcile his life'sexperience with thatof middleschool homophobia. It chronicles the beginnings of the passing from childhood to adolescence. I as mother was still
greatly admired, but the world of peers was pressing. Jon was
12 years old.
In 1990,lwasinvited to participate on a paneloffeminist
mothersofsons. lwasveryexcited. The participants included
some of this country's most important feminist scholars. We
discussed mother blaming, patriarchy, and many other pertinent topics. Though I gave a presentation, my major contribution was tears. Jon was 13 years old.
In 1992, I became quite involved in the project to pay off
Herland's mortgage. Jon insisted in participating in this, the
project of mothers and lesbians. The gesture rendered me
speechless with pride. The result was phenomenal. Lesbians
emerged from everywhere offering him encouragement and
cash contributions toward meeting his goal. One womon who
had not seen Jon in 10 years called and made a contribution.
His history dearly had roots in our herstory. Today, there is
evidence of this engraved on a permanent plaque in Herland.
Jon was 15 years old.
In 1993, I rode to our semi-annual retreat in the back seat
ofacarwithAlixDobkin. Wespokeofpatriarchyandfeminist
mothers of sons. She told me how her views had changed and
how she now views the sonsoflesbians to be an important part
of societal change. It was a delightful conversation. She is a
wonderful womon. I considered the most important aspect of
our conversation to be that I found her ideas irrelevant. Jon
was 16 years old.
ltis 1994. Jon has just received the University of Southern
Califomia'smostprestigiousscholarship. He has been admitted to skip his senior year of high school and enter directly into
their resident honors program. By external societal standards,
I believe I have done well. We have done well. Being a good
mothermeansthatlappeartohaveraisedacapable,ableson

4

Her/and Voice May, 1994

who will now leave, and a capable able self who will help do
so. It also means that though he will leave and he will receive
the highest merit awards, I will remain while one quarter of
my net income goes to USC with him for the next four years.
No mother ever had a more wonderful son. No mother could
be prouder. Writing about motherhood, though, I must say
that my experience ofit is pride laced with tears, joy tempered
with loss, love joined by anger, gain coupled with cost, and Jo
struggling, growing, and emerging with and without Jon. D

MOTHERSONG
(continued from page 1)

When I watch the PBS nature films, I marvel at the
camouflage and behaviors which fauna use against predators ...and I understand my mother better. Those frills and
fripperies she put me through were her effort to provide me
with protection from our culture's predators. If I could blend
in and keep still at the right times, life would be easier for me-and for her. Her denial of my pain (andhers)was a desperate
attempt to ding to the belief which she inherited from her
mother: that if you do your best and live the Golden Rule, life
:will be beautiful.
The mother I know today is a sweet woman whom I
lovegreatly;andlrememberoldresentmentsonlywhencrisis
requires an examination of my own reactions and choices.
I suspect that there is proportionally more resentment of
mothers among lesbians than there is among our "straight"
counterparts. Perhaps Mother's Day is a suitable time to
assess our attitudes toward our mothers. Whether they are
negative or positive, those attitudes affect how we relate to our
lovers. Also, for those of us who are mothers ourselves, they
affect how we deal with our children.
What might have been, wasn't. We cannot change what
happened, only our attitude toward those events. We don't
haY.e to make the same mistakes or, sometimes as damaging,
mistakes at the other end of the spectrum, in an attempt to
change the pattern. We do, I think, need to find some way to
live with a "mother complex" we11 carry through our lives.
Years ago I had a talk with my daughter-back when life
suddenly boiled down to just the two of us in an unfamiliar
world . '1 don't know how to be a good mother," I told her,
"but I promise you 111 be a good friend."
Thatwasacop-outonmypart-likenotplayingthegame
because I wasn't sure I could win. Recently I was trying to do
the Big Confession thing with her, saying that for years I have
felt guilty about laying that exclusion on our relationshipthat I've felt it was a kind of desertion at a time she really
needed a mother more than a friend.
She laughed. "Hey, whatever you wanted to call your
role,Ialwaysknew I had amother--a weird one, but definitely
a mother!"
We are three generations: a sweet old lady who listens to
Rush Limbaugh, a lesbian still dragging her shreds of camouflage, and an outspoken feminist who believes that we all are
women of value whose lifestyle choices deserve respect.
It's strange. It's wonderful. Pay tribute to the mysteries of
motherhood on May 8-hug a mother.
D

Roman
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GoDDEss MADE Us IN
HER IMAGE
By Deborah Fox
From time immemorial women have brought forth Life.
Yes, men play their part, as stimulators, but women carry the
seeds as well as bring them to fruition.
It's not surprising our Ancestors worshipped the Goddess, for Life taught them reverence for the female - who
swells with new life over many moons and then with innate
courage endures the great pains to miraculously bring forth
a new human being. That's not all; She also produces
sustenance from her own body to ensure healthy survival.
Isis, Oshun, Demeter, Kuan Yin, Kali-ma, Danu, Copatlicue,
Kunapipi,Ashtoreth, Freyja,Spiderwoman.. .And then there's
Gaia, Erde-Mother Earth, who each Spring brings forth life
anew fulfilling Her promise of rebirth and renewal.
Upon entering motherhood, entranced in labor, I felt a
Cosmic Alliance with all mothers of all time, I could almost
hear all their whispered words of wisdom and encouragement. Motherhood is a spiritual initiation - I, creatrix.
Under Patriarchy motherhood has been institutionalized - aiming to ensure that women's reproductive powers
-andallwomen-remainundermalecontrol. Wherechildren
were once raised communally, giving mothers the time for
their own needs and creativity, now mothers and their
children are isolated and forced into unnatural dependence
and arrangements, producing co-dependence, resentments,
madness, child neglect, and guilt. Though some women
have access to very good child-care, most mothers agonize
over solutions to child-care.
What is more, most women go into motherhood unaware of all it will require of them. Patriarchy has been
creating myths telling us for five thousand years that our
greatest reward is raising children and that it is a blissful
endeavor. Women who go into motherhood with these
expectations are gravely disappointed. Motherhood will
bring you some fulfillment but self-empowerment is our
greatestreward. Anothermythofmotherhoodisthathaving
a child will hold a relationship together, in fact, if your
relationship is in trouble, the stresses of having a child will
probably destroy it. Orthatmotherhoodis for every woman,
it' snot.
Raising children in oursodeo/isa thankless job that eats
away ourself-esteem. Because, though raising children is the
most important job in the world, it receives no status or
recompense. Women are made to feel that what they're
doing has no value - only corporate heads or business
professionals are important to our world. The patriarchal
arrangement for motherhood undermines women' empowerment - always being in service to others (no matter how
well they treat you) who are off to an important day of work
or school subtly enforces feelings of worthlessness.
Raising children is a job, a: labor of love, sure, but it is no
picnic. Expect your whole life to change (it will, no matter
how adamantly you deny it), expect sleepless nights and

6

Her/and Voice May, 1994

constant interruptions, expect the spontaneity of your life to
disappear, expect your sex life to be severely limited, expect
to cook regular meals and keep regular hours, expect to
worry and feel anxious about their well being, exp~t to feel
guilty, expect everything to revolve aroun~ t:he kid~ ~d
don't expect to go out dancing or horseback ndmg or hiking
or star gazing or anything you enjoy doing as an adult on a
whim as much as you like anymore.
Of course women do work things out and can and do
enjoy motherhood (the older the kids getth~ more. fun it gets)
and some women really do experience bliss at it. But beaware of all the conditioning, illusions and delusions, pretty
images and stereotypes brought to you and often unknowingly taken in by you, that patriarchal ideology serves up.
Motherhood will make you grow up, fast. Motherhood
will show you strengths you never knew you had. Motherhood will teach you to really appreciateyourmother(butyou
ought to do it anyway, even if you don't get along - try to
understand her circumstances and conditioning). Motherhood will bring you a really wonderful little pal.
It is very important that women dispel the patriarchal
myth of motherhood and redefine what motherhood really
isandcanbe. "Thehumanspeciesisdependentonmaternal
(or adult) care in infancy much longer than any other animal
species, and in creating a situation in whi~h they could
nurture and rear infants safely and effectively, women
became the civilizers, the inventors of agriculture, of community, some maintain of language itself." (Adrienne Rich,
"Of Women Born") Women's power to reproduce is aweinspiring and womanhood ought to be revered. We are all
D
born of woman!

Rebecca R. Cohn, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychology

Norman, OK
321-2148

Individual,
Couples & Family

Therapy

Published by: Herland Sister Resources, Inc. 2312 N.W. 39th,
Oklahoma City, OK 73112
Newsletter Committee: Margaret Cox, Deborah Fox, Vivien Ng,
Pat Reaves
Circulation: 1300
Advertising Rates: Business card $15; 1/4 page $35;
1/2 page $60; full page $100
The Voice is offered as an open forum for community discourse .
Articles reflect the opinions of the author and not necessarily those
of Herland Sister Resources. Unsolicited articles and letters to the
editor are welcomed and must be signed by the writer with full name
and address. Upon request , letters or articles may be printed under
a pseudonym or anonymously.

Subscriptions to The Voice are free upon request.
The Voice is printed on recycled paper.

CHERYL WHEELER:

D~kes To Watch Ont for

DRIVING HOME
-.-.. ll-1~-E-..-TE-N-.-=-,0-K-AY-,Y-OO-,RE-AU.--:[X)N-E,-,,,--=or-111-:--AI~),-.,

By Ji/I Gamer

11iE I.AS< ~~/NE oll ~E C1R[u1f. tloT MD FOR YO'JI'
Fl~51 DAY. A A>"'"""''HS W01<<1ilGOl11.ikE1l<Af,
!WP Y()iU BE /~ DECM S~Al'f !

I had the wonderful pleasure recently
of hearing Cheryl Wheeler sing at the Blue
Door Cafe. I was floored by her voice, her
songs, and the way they made me feel.
Wheeler has a gorgeous voice that wraps
around you and sweeps you away to New
England in the spring and fall, to small
Pennsylvania towns, and takes you through
love rekindled and love gone wrong, from
tears to the top of the world. Her latest
release, Driving Home has made a lifelong
fan of me, and this is music that's meant to
be shared.
Wheeler's lyrics are vivid, moving and
close to the heart. In "Spring" and ''When
Fall Comes to New England," the changing
of the seasons is celebrated "and leaves are
Irish Setter re<i when fall comes to New
England." "Spring" is one of the liveliest
songs on the album and will have you
tapping your feet and feeling like the world
is truly a wonderful place to be. Mary Chapin
Carpenter provides harmony vocals on ''75
Septembers," a song Wheeler wrote for her
father. It's a beautiful, touching song that
muses" Areyoumoreama.zedathowthings
chmge, orhowtheystaythesame?' Alison
Krauss, two-time bluegrass Grammy
Award winner (and voice like an angel),
sings with Wheeler on the humorous "Don't
Forget the Guns" about a family going on
vacation prepared with an arsenal of weapons.
And what's an album without love
songs? "Silver Lining," a cheerful and
hopeful melody, describes a love that faltered but came back strong. "Almost," a
tune that features just a piano and Wheeler's
exquisite voice, is full of that familiar ache of
wanting with lines like "I'm almost everything you have ever wanted, I'm almost
your best dream come true." In "Act of
Nature," a violent storm illuminates the
death of a relationship as she sings "Someone said I should hear, waming cries soft
and clear, whispered in the calm before the
stonn."
''Driving Home," with Patty Larkin
providing her sweet voice on harmony and
playing slide guitar, showcases Wheeler's
fabulous singing and songwriting as she
carries us over the backroads of Pennsylvania with no need to hurry.
Wheeler captures my feelings about
this album in "Music in My Room" singing
"I know I've played this one a hundred
times, and I know the sonss will end too
soo4 whenI'mlisteningtothemusicinmy
room." Wheeler's Driving Home is definitely one to drive home with.
To order Driving Home call Herland at
521-9696.
0

MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD
The Herland Voice is a forum for community discussion of issues and events of
interest to lesbians and other women. We encourage submission of items for publication.
Coming issues will focus on:
June - "Stonewall & Before :" This issue will focus on what it was like to live as a
lesbian in Oklahoma in the 60's and earlier. We invite women to send essays, letters,
stories, poetry and photos of lesbians in Oklahoma prior to 1969. If you would rather tell
your story to someone else to write, please call Herland.
July - "Celebrating Stonewall:" We invite reports, reflections and photos from
Stonewall 25, the Gay Games and events surrounding the celebration in New York, the
OKC Gay & Lesbian Pride Parade and other lesbian and gay pride events.
Items submitted for the Voice are preferred on floppy disk in Wordperfect or ASCII
format. They may also be sent typed and double-spaced or, if necessary, will be accepted
inneathandwriting. Eachartidemustbeaccompaniedbytheauthor'snameandaddress
when submitted. Pseudonyms may be used for publication if requested. Mail to:
Herland, A TIN: Voice, 2312 N.W. 39, OKC, OK 73112; e-mail to preaves@delphi.com;
or fax (405)524-7510. For more information, please call Herland at 521-9696.
0

Her/and Voice

May, 1994

7

MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR MOTHER's DAY
(continued from page 1)

This fight continues. In October, 1993, the Oklahoma
Court of Appeals challenged the findings of the Cleveland
County District Court which stated the mother was "unfit" to
have custody because she is a lesbian, but the higher court
maintained thatthe possibility of future prejudice against the
children is sufficient reason to refuse her custody. This
decision is being appealed to the Oklahoma Supreme Court.
The purpose of the Herland Legal Defense Fund is to
provide financial support for the legal expenses of lesbian
mothers who are appealing loss of custody in cases where that
loss is specifically due to their sexual orientation. Priority is
given to cases which offer an opportunil y to set precedent. At
this time, any positive decision in the Appellate Court or the
State Supreme Court in similar cases will set an important
precedent in the state of Oklahoma for future child custody
cases involving lesbian and gay parents.
The Herland Legal Defense Fund Committee is inviting
interested women and men to join us in fighting the discrimi·
nation and prejudices that have been adminstered by the
Oklahoma legal system. The HLDF Committee meets the
second Monday of each month at 6:30 pm. at Herland Sister
Resources to plan fundraisers such as phone banks, mailingsauctions, dances, and concerts.
Please join us and help make a positiveimpactforour lesbian
and gay families. Donations to the Defense Fund can be sent to
Herland Sister Resources, 2312 N.W. 39th, Oklahoma City, OK
73112. For more information, call (405)521-9696.
D

OKLAHOMA PRIDE SUMMIT
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender Oklahomans
and their friends will gather on the University of Oklahoma
campus the weekend of July 15-17 for the Oklahoma Pride
Summit. The Summit is the result of efforts of a number of
Oklahoma's gay,lesbian, bi and transgender organizations to
build an effective network.
By providing a forum for lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and
transgenders to meet and share news and goals, organizers
say they hope themeeting will further empower and motivate
participants, building unity while recognizing diversity.
Organizations involved in the development of the Oklahoma Pride Summit include Herland Sister Resources, Tulsa
Oklahomans for Human Rights, Family of Faith MCC, Per·
spectives, Simply Equal-OKC, OU/GBLA, OSU/GLBSA.,
Affirmation - OKC, Simply Equal -Norman.
Interested Oklahomans from all parts of the state are
invited to register and attend. Pre-registration forms are
available at Herland. Organizers are working to keep registration fees as low as possible with a sliding-fee scale based on
the participant's income. Inexpensive campus housing and
child care will also be available to pre-registered participants.
Volunteers are needed to assist in conference planning
and staffing. The next planning meeting for the Oklahoma
PrideSummitwill be held at 11 AMonMay7 atthe Family of
Faith MCC in Jenks. For more information on this meeting or
on volunteering or registering for the Summit, call Herland at
521-9696 or OGLPC at 791-0202.
D

JltJl. l. l~'l1 IN Jltt1llllt
Lesbian only cowtseling group. Wednesday evenings. Contact Jo L. Soske, M.Ed.,
M.H.R, l.C.A.D.C., N.C.C., L.P.C at 3545708.
Womyn's Works: Don't miss Womyn's
Works, the current show of the Queer
Consortium on display at Triangle Association, 2136 N.W. 39th, OKC. The next
scheduled show will be themed around
the Stonewall/Gay Pride Week festivities.
Meetings fo the Queer Consortium are
open to the community. The next meeting
is scheduled for Thursday, May 19th at
6:00 PM. at the Triangle Association.
Kitchen Table: Women of Color Press is
searching for a Managing Director to lead
this unique non-profit cultural and political institution through its next phase of
growth and development. The applica·
ti on deadline is May 15, 1994. Contact the
Kitchen Table Search Committee cf o the
UnionlnstituteCenterforWomenbycalling 202-667-1313.

Academic Dykes Qesbian faculty and
staff at Oklahoma colleges and universi·
ties) will have our nextpotluckinNorman
on May 14th from 7 p.m. to whenever.Please call Judy at 405-321-6350 for direc·
tions to the house. This will be our last gettogether for the academic year.
Congratulations Crystos! The Audre
Lorde International Poetry Competition
of the Cleveland Poetry Center has been
awarded to Crystos for her manuscript,
Fugitive Colors, which will be publiched
by the Cleveland Poetry Center at Cleveland State University in Spring, 1994.
National Women's Reproductive Health
Call-in Day: People for the American
Way is organizing a national call-in to
Congresspersons and Senators on May
18th to urging them to include reproduc·
tive health services including abortion in
the national health care plan.

Wanted: Essays, poehy, short stories and
artwork for a book on women and our
experiences with "mental illness." Looking for work on our histories with one or
more of the following: psychiatry, psychi·
atric drugs, voluntary orinvoluntary hos·
pitalization, and psychiatric diagnosis.
Stories can be personal, theoretical or both.
Send contributions or questions to:
Alexandra Laris, P. 0. Box 91106, Santa
Barbara, CA 93190-1106. Deadline for
submissions is September 1, 1994, but
please send ASAP.
Domino's Pizza has just awarded its an·
nual humanitarian award to James Dobson, presidentofFocusonFAmily,alarge,
right-wing Christian "family values" organization located in Colorado Springs
that played a vital role in the passage of
Colorado's anti-gay Amendment2. To let
Domino's know how this decision effects
your digestion: Tim Mcintyre, Director of
Public Relations, Domino's Pizza, P. 0 .
Box 997, Ann Arbor; Ml 48106. (Info from

GLAAD/NY}



~~HERLAND ~
May, 1994

MorHERSONG

ICE

MAKE A DIFFERENCE
FOR MOTHER'S DAY

by Judith Rycroft

by Helen Miller

Mother's Day is May 8-time to sing a little Mother-song:
M is for the miUion things she gave me;
0 means only that she's growing old.
"T" is for the tears she shed to save me;
"H'' is for her heart of purest gold.
"E" is for her eyes with lovelight shining;
"R" is right, and right she'll always be.
Put them all together, they spell "Mother,"
a word that means the world to me.
That'smy mother, every word-even the '"R' is right .... "
She is so Right that she would vote for Pat Robertson for
President! I trytooverlookthatstrange conviction ...goodness
knows she overlooks many of mine!
I learned that song in my eighth year of daughterhood.
I sang it to Mother, who smiled mistily and said, "How
sweet; thank you!" and all that stuff, but there was a degree
of effusiveness missing.
Later, seeking reassurance, I asked, ''Did you really like
the song?" "It was wonderful, Honey ...but what was that
lineabout'growingold'?"Shehasalwayshadalittletrouble
handling age.
Age is a Painful Reality, and my mother simply cannot
absorb Painful Realities. Oh, sometimes she can hang onto
one a little while, but then it fades. Part• of this survival
technique is conscious-she prays away the negatives. Much
of it, however, is unconscious; her mind will not hold onto
more than she can deal with. The result is that she is
~ail~gly c~eerful, optimistic, and positive ...and many
times m my life I was a motherless child.
I could be resentful of the times I told my mother about
pain-molestation, rape, abuse-and she didn't hear my cries
for help. She never suggested. I wasn't telling the truth; she
justindicated.thatmyversionofthetruthmightnotbevalid"Oh, Honey, maybe you just misunderstood."
I could be resentful of the elocution, ballet, and voice
lessons, the dresses, the curls, all the devoted dedication that
went into her attempts to force a chunky tomboy into a Little
Lady mold.
I could be resentful, and perhaps I am-at some level or
at some times. One of the things she taught me, though, was
to try. to understand others' motives and, thereby, their
behavior.
Mother Nature's prime motive is survival of the species.
Human motives echo Nature's; it's just that we have tried to
overlay instinct with manipulations of thought and environment.
(continued page 4)
11

0

11

11

Volume 11 Number 5

In 1907, Anna Jasvis began a letter campaign to governors, members of Congress, and the President to recognize a
day to honor mothers. In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson
issued a proclamation declaring Mother's Day "as a public
expression of our love and reverence for the mothers of our
countsy."
As Mother's Day approaches, we may begin to think
about what motherhood means to us. In the courtrooms of
America, motherhood is being narrowly defined by conservative viewpoints that ignore the reality of healthy lesbian and
gay families. The question in the law becomes, "Are lesbianism and motherhood compatible?"
Hundreds of lesbian custody cases are fought yearly,
with many being settled out of court. In most of the cases, the
le~bianism of the mother is given priority over her parenting
skills. In most of the cases, the lesbian mother loses.
In 1992, papers were filed in the District Court of Cleveland County seeking the removal of two young children from
the custody of their mother based solely on the grounds that
she is a lesbian and lives with her partner. The judge's ruling
stated thatthemotherwas "unfit" solely because of her sexual
orientation and gave immediate custody to the father . In
response to this ruling the Herland Legal Defense Fund was
created to raise money for a series of appeals.
(continued page B)

)-) ERtJ.\~I D

SPRt~IG

R;·raEJ.\·r

featunng
Miss 8rown to You
MAY

20-22

See Jnside for Registration lnfomation

Herland Sister Resources

2312 N.W. 39, OKC, OK 73112

Sr. Sve1L
Sybil Ludington, Matron Saint of the Forgotten Woman, is an
occasional contributor to this space. Although she likes to think
of herself as all wise and all knowing, views expressed by her
are her own, and not necessarily the views of The Voice.

Dear St. Sybil,
Here it is, Spring has sprung, and to go along with the
gorgeous flowering trees and shrubs, my back yard has
turned into a dandelion patch - it looks like the lawn is
wearing a beautiful yellow and green dotted swiss coverlet.
Myproblemismypartner,whothinksdandelionsareweeds
and wants me to get out there and mow them all under. Do
I have to?
Sorrowfully,
Olive M . Aull
Dear Olive,
No. Ofcoursenot. Never. Notonyourlife. Well,ok,
maybe someday; when those pretty little yellow blooms tum
into fuzzy blowing grey things you will probably want to,
and then you can.
The whole thing about lawns and flower gardens kind of
has all of us here bemused, even those who were avid
gardeners while living on Earth. Actually it is the srassmore
than anything which seems such-a-human anomaly. You
tear down everything natural to build your little houses and
then plant this boring manicured basically worthless stuff,
and poison it and the abnosphere and any dogs, cats, birds,
worms, snails, butterflies, beetles, ladybugs, lightning bugs,
snakes, gophers, possums, raccoons and little kids who live
or playonit;justto keep it as bland and boring looking as you
can. Grass belongs on the golf course, Olive, tell your partner
that.
And as for flowers - believe me, where I am we don't
differentiate between "flowers" and "weeds." The dandelionis asbrightandcheerfulacolor, andas pleasingindesign,
as any flower can be. Its appearance in the Springtime is a
tribute to all that is beautiful and enduring. It is, truly, the
good hardy peasant stock of the flower fiefdom.
What is my favorite flower, you ask? Lilac, of course,
huge bunches and bushes of lavender and white lilac perfuming the earth with a sweet whiff of heaven; and zinnias,
of oourse, a homely sweet flower with no perfume to speak
of, but a perfect design in such subtle variations of color the
heart sings; and carnations, fresh grown in the field, with an
aroma thatmakesa person wish to be corporeal again...ahem.
And honeysuckle, a wonderful weed, sweet smelling
andtastytoo. Theperfectweed,ofcourse,isHemp. Ifhemp
weregrownforpaper,therewouldbenodebateoverspotted
owls vs. timber-hemp isarenewablefarmablesourceoffiber
for making paper, clothes, rope, strong fabrics - did you
know that during World War Two the US Government paid
farmers to grow hemp for the war effort? A little known but
fascinating nugget, and true.

The medicinal properties of hemp are still being discovered, more slowly than they should be because of the nature
of the weed and the controversy surrounding it. It is quite
amazing to us here to see your society attempt to suppress
such a useful plant. Even if you didn't want to get together
once a month and smoke it and celebrate and have fun and
give thanks to Creation for it, you could still use it for its other
benefits. Hemp was legal until very recently in your history,
a valuable crop (and still Oklahoma's largest cash crop); but
unfortunately Hemp isa lot like solar energy-so ample and
available that not enough people can figure out how to make
enough money from it. As soon as they do, my dear, it will
be legalized, believe me.
Well, Olive, I believe I digress. Sorry. It's hard not
to get on a high horse when people are being so idiotic. Love
to you and your partner, anddon'tmow down anythingyou
don't want to.
Love & kisses,
Sybil

Personaland confidential to VN: Oh my dear, you know
Oklahoma needs you - your scholarship, your intelligence,
your courage, and your cocky attitude ...
Many Oklahomans love to appear ignorant and bigoted
andcrimsonaround the old collar, butoneononeareusually
just as pleasant and neighborly as anyone could ask for; and
there don't appear to be more hate crimes per capita in
Oklahoma than there are elsewhere - it's probably the
frontier live-and-let-live spirit at work. Howsomever, there
are a few very vocal idiots, notably in the legislature and in
some pulpits, who celebrate ignorance and inflame bigotry;
your voice is urgently needed to help quell their's.
Anyway, how could you even think of leaving after the
gorgeous Spring you are having this year - really! Alaska,
pshaw; rain and dark and cold; who needs it...
Admiringly yours,
SL
D

'be.&;a

Her/and Voice May, 1994

!B'townlnfj,

cf?.Pfi . 'b.'b.d'.

!lJ•ntJ Ca.;• {o~ tf.. Entiu "Ja.mil!J
.Sa.{• !lJcntid~!J {o~ £fnud .duwiuou
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15521 dVouf. d'.1.nidia.n

2109 S. AiR DEp<n

7,,.4099
Offk• dla ..u &y dlppcitatmuu

(405 )?H-0496

Micl-wm Ory, OK 7} l 10

AiR DEpoT ANiMAl HospiTAl
CAil

2

!J(.

foR AppoiNTMENT

JOY HUSKA, D.V.M.

~ May~ 1994~
SUPPORT GROUP fomillg for Wcm!n with HIV.

If JOU are interested

in helping farm this networking/support group, call 405/524-3903.

Monda~

Sunda~

1

2

Tuesda~

~ednesda~ Thursda~

4

3

GAY MAY DAY

OK NOW
conference
continues

8

7

7 pm

Q
Fferland LeEJal
Defense Fund
6:30

at Herland
All
lnleresled
Folks are
li.lelcome

10

11
Simp1¥
Equal
7 pm
Herl and

Co DA

7

P.lll.

Norman
Public
llbrar:y

Herl and

pm

Her land

13 PEGGY~

12
Teachers
Group
7 P.m.
Herl and

Salurda~

7

6

Cleveland
County
NOW

Simply
E1:1ual

..

5

Frida~

j:

PEGGY
JOHNSON
at the
WildrloYJer &
Herb Feslival
Pose:v Park.
Eu/ala
after Ham

14
ACADEMIC
DYKES
Call C405)

JOHNSON
at the
Cratet\11 Bean
NW tOlh &
Walker, 9-n

321-6350

for time &
Norn1an
location

..

CoDA, 7pm

21

19•

.
..

Malcolm ><
t925-t965

26

SPRING
RETREAT
al
Roman Nose

27

SPRING
RETREAT
toniEJht.:
HISS BROWN
TO YOU~

28
Co DA

7

pm

Herland

PEGGY
JOHNSON
at
L.a S.aeuet.t.e
323 W. Boyd
in Norman
9pRt - 2am

John Bram, May 9, 1800 - 1859; Aboliti.mist & Bartyr
Bargaret Poller, May 23, 1810 - 1850; PbUnsqiber and FEiiini.st.
Mary Harris (Bother) Jones, May 1, 1830 - 1930
llal.cobl I, May 19, 1925 - 1965
Harvey llilk, BaJ 21, 1930 - 1978

HERLAND SISTER RESOURCES, INC.

2312 N.\\I. 39th Street

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Permrt No. 861

HUMAN RIGHTS IN TULSA
The Tulsa Human Rights Commission's Committee on
Sexual Orientation has issued a report stating that they found
evidence of discrimination and prejudice based on sexual
orientation and calling on the Tulsa Human Rights Commission to recommend changes in city policy and ordinances.
Among the recommendations are a proposal to amend
the Tulsa human rights ordinance adding the words, "sexual
orientation" and a proposal that the city'semploymentpolicy
prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation
be written into law by the city council. The committee's
recommended changes to law would prohibit discrimination
in housing and public accommodations in Tulsa.
The Tulsa Human Rights Commission will hold two
public hearings to allow comments on the proposals before a
decision is made about a recommendation to the Tulsa City
Council. The hearings will be May 4 at Aaronson Auditorium
in the Central Library and May9 atthe West Regional Library.
Tulsa Oklahomans for Human Rights is encouraging
anyone who lives in Tulsa, does business there, or travels to
Tulsa to contact members of the Tulsa City Council to support
the proposed amendment to Tulsa's anti-discrimination act.D

LETTERS
Dear Herland:
Enclosed is my Herland Sustainer pledge. I am more than
happy to be a contributor. I think that it's a splendid way to
instill pride in the collective and in its stated mission.
I am also very happy to see that one of the stated goals for
Herland is to develop a policy for active participation by
transgenders and men. Support of the collective's mission
does not necessarily stop at biological sex or gender identity
boundaries, and I think I am at least one example.
As I'm sure that at least some of the staff is aware, I'm a
lesbian-identified, male-to-female transsexual, still
preoperative at this point in time, but scheduled for my
surgery (finally) in June. I've been pretty open and up-front
aboutbeingcrossgenderedandlesbian.l'moutandrelatively
outspoken. Not all TS's are comfortable being open about
their transsexuality and I or their sexual preference, but that's
an individual matter, and being open doesn't necessarily
make me any more, orless, a human being. It just means that
I feel good about who I am, and I want to share that feeling.
Regardless of gender or sexual preference, it takes a belief in
oneself as a whole person, as a complete being, to love ourselves and to live the life that we were created to enjoy. That
affirmation cannot be manifested or given to us by someone
else - it has to come from within.
My path to surgery has certainly been bumpy. I've taken
my share of emotional lumps and bumps along the way' and
my journey is not over. It has just begun. I sincerely thank my
many friends, both men and women, both gay and straight,
for affirming me as the whole person that I am. I thank
Herland and my friends within the lesbian community for
being straightforward and honest with me. I would expect
nothing less.
Lovingly,
Kendra Marie Foyil

DuE PROCESS
by Vivien Ng

However you look at it, OU botched the way it handled
the "Teepee Incident." If, as the American Indian students
alleged, several fraternity members vandalized the teepee
that they set up on campus to celebrate American Indian
Heritage Week last month, the silence maintained by President Van Hom is disgraceful. The university ultimately
decided not to file charges against the fraternity members
because of "lack of evidence," and stoutly defended their
actions by invoking "due process."
Well, I'm willing to take the officials at their word and
accept their explanation that they had followed due process.
But I'm not willing to excuse Van Horn's curious silence about
the whole matter. On second thought, perhaps I shouldn't
have been so surprised for,after all,itwas Van Horn who came
up with the brilliant idea several years ago that a good way to
improve racial climate on campus was for majority students to
"smile every morning at a member of the minority." Yes, flash
a row of teeth and all will be forgiven.
A leader with moral courage would have taken the opportunity to address the issues of racism and intolerance. He
(in the social and political context of OU, the leader will remain
a "he" for a long time to come) could first ask students to
withhold judgment about the specific fraternity members
until all the facts could be determined, and then use the
occasion to say that racism and disrespect for others have no
place at the University of Oklahoma. His advisors should
have shown him the Michigan Law Reviewarticle written by
Mari Matsuda (a Japanese American law professor) that
argues powerfully for the need to regulate racist speech.
Matsuda makes the convincing case that a university that
opts to do nothing about racist speech on campus hurts all
students: "Official tolerance of racist speech in [the university] setting is more harmful than generalized tolerance in the
community-at-large. It is harmful to student perpetrators in
thatitisa lesson ingetting-away-with-itthatwill have lifelong
repercussions. It is harmful to targets, who perceive the
university as taking sides through inaction, and who are left to
their own resources in coping with the damage wrought.
Finally, it is a harm to the goals of inclusion, education,
development of knowledge, and ethics that universities exist
and stand for. Lessons of cynicism and hate replace lessons in
critical thought and inquiry."
Lacking access to all the facts, I have no way of telling
what really happened that night on March 14. The fraternity
insists that its members are innocent of the charges lodged
against them by the American Indian students. Butwhatl do
know is the history of insensitivity on the part of Van Hom to
racial matters on the campus of OU. What I can feel for the
American Indian students is solidarity with them in their
struggle for recognition and respect. I offer them a quote from
Gloria Anzaldua from her book, Borderlands: '1 will no
longer be made to feel ashamed of existing. I will have my
voice:Indian,Spanish,white.Iwillhavemyserpent'stonguemy woman's voice, my sexual voice, my poet's voice. I will
overcom~the tradition of silence."
0
Her/and Voice

May, 1994

3

MOTHERHOOD
By Jo Soske

I stand in awe of the task before me. How shall I write
about my experience of motherhood - a subject of volumes for a short piece which must be completed within five days.
Still, this may be the most appropriate time for me to do exactly
that. My mothering is about to undergo perhaps the most
major change I have known - perhaps not. It may be that
change and contrast are inherent in the very definition of
motherhood.
In 1981, I wrote an article about lesbian motherhood for
the Brazen Hussy Rag. I was angry. The lesbian community
- my community-was grappling with the politics of separatism. Ideas such as those espoused by Alix Dobkin were being
discussed and examined . One womon even suggested to me
that I should consider "giving my son up for the good of the
lesbian community." It was in this atmosphere that I took pen
in hand to defend my right to be both Lesbian and mother.
This was not a theoretical discussion for me. This was about
my baby. Jon was 4 years old.
In 1989, Jon wrote a chapter for Louise Rafkin's book,
diHerentMothers. ltarticulates the struggleofa young person
attempting to reconcile his life'sexperience with thatof middleschool homophobia. It chronicles the beginnings of the passing from childhood to adolescence. I as mother was still
greatly admired, but the world of peers was pressing. Jon was
12 years old.
In 1990,lwasinvited to participate on a paneloffeminist
mothersofsons. lwasveryexcited. The participants included
some of this country's most important feminist scholars. We
discussed mother blaming, patriarchy, and many other pertinent topics. Though I gave a presentation, my major contribution was tears. Jon was 13 years old.
In 1992, I became quite involved in the project to pay off
Herland's mortgage. Jon insisted in participating in this, the
project of mothers and lesbians. The gesture rendered me
speechless with pride. The result was phenomenal. Lesbians
emerged from everywhere offering him encouragement and
cash contributions toward meeting his goal. One womon who
had not seen Jon in 10 years called and made a contribution.
His history dearly had roots in our herstory. Today, there is
evidence of this engraved on a permanent plaque in Herland.
Jon was 15 years old.
In 1993, I rode to our semi-annual retreat in the back seat
ofacarwithAlixDobkin. Wespokeofpatriarchyandfeminist
mothers of sons. She told me how her views had changed and
how she now views the sonsoflesbians to be an important part
of societal change. It was a delightful conversation. She is a
wonderful womon. I considered the most important aspect of
our conversation to be that I found her ideas irrelevant. Jon
was 16 years old.
ltis 1994. Jon has just received the University of Southern
Califomia'smostprestigiousscholarship. He has been admitted to skip his senior year of high school and enter directly into
their resident honors program. By external societal standards,
I believe I have done well. We have done well. Being a good
mothermeansthatlappeartohaveraisedacapable,ableson

4

Her/and Voice May, 1994

who will now leave, and a capable able self who will help do
so. It also means that though he will leave and he will receive
the highest merit awards, I will remain while one quarter of
my net income goes to USC with him for the next four years.
No mother ever had a more wonderful son. No mother could
be prouder. Writing about motherhood, though, I must say
that my experience ofit is pride laced with tears, joy tempered
with loss, love joined by anger, gain coupled with cost, and Jo
struggling, growing, and emerging with and without Jon. D

MOTHERSONG
(continued from page 1)

When I watch the PBS nature films, I marvel at the
camouflage and behaviors which fauna use against predators ...and I understand my mother better. Those frills and
fripperies she put me through were her effort to provide me
with protection from our culture's predators. If I could blend
in and keep still at the right times, life would be easier for me-and for her. Her denial of my pain (andhers)was a desperate
attempt to ding to the belief which she inherited from her
mother: that if you do your best and live the Golden Rule, life
:will be beautiful.
The mother I know today is a sweet woman whom I
lovegreatly;andlrememberoldresentmentsonlywhencrisis
requires an examination of my own reactions and choices.
I suspect that there is proportionally more resentment of
mothers among lesbians than there is among our "straight"
counterparts. Perhaps Mother's Day is a suitable time to
assess our attitudes toward our mothers. Whether they are
negative or positive, those attitudes affect how we relate to our
lovers. Also, for those of us who are mothers ourselves, they
affect how we deal with our children.
What might have been, wasn't. We cannot change what
happened, only our attitude toward those events. We don't
haY.e to make the same mistakes or, sometimes as damaging,
mistakes at the other end of the spectrum, in an attempt to
change the pattern. We do, I think, need to find some way to
live with a "mother complex" we11 carry through our lives.
Years ago I had a talk with my daughter-back when life
suddenly boiled down to just the two of us in an unfamiliar
world . '1 don't know how to be a good mother," I told her,
"but I promise you 111 be a good friend."
Thatwasacop-outonmypart-likenotplayingthegame
because I wasn't sure I could win. Recently I was trying to do
the Big Confession thing with her, saying that for years I have
felt guilty about laying that exclusion on our relationshipthat I've felt it was a kind of desertion at a time she really
needed a mother more than a friend.
She laughed. "Hey, whatever you wanted to call your
role,Ialwaysknew I had amother--a weird one, but definitely
a mother!"
We are three generations: a sweet old lady who listens to
Rush Limbaugh, a lesbian still dragging her shreds of camouflage, and an outspoken feminist who believes that we all are
women of value whose lifestyle choices deserve respect.
It's strange. It's wonderful. Pay tribute to the mysteries of
motherhood on May 8-hug a mother.
D

Roman
FU ff!

Register Nowt
Sing le
Annual

Person's
Income

Retreat
Pre-registration
per person

Household
Annual
Income

$6,500

$15

under

$25

$13,300

$13,250

- $13,250
- $19,500

$35

$18,000

$19,500

-

$45

$26,000

$60

over

under

$6,500

over

$30,000

$30,000

$13,300

-

$18,000
$26,000
$50,000

Please choose the registration fee most appropriate for you
based on these suggested guidelines. On-site registration
will be $60 with no exceptions. The deadline for preregistration is May 19, 1994. Registration is non-refundable
after May 20.

$50,000

-----------------------------------------Complete and return the pre-registration form to Her1and, 2312 N.W. 39, Oklahoma City, OK 73112.

------------------------Phone---------

Name

Adctess_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

City:_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _State_ _ _ _Zip_ _ _ __
Registration fee enclosed: _$15 _$25

_$35

_$60

_I need a scholarship to attend.

_

I'm enclosing an additional $

_

I'm bringing _ _ children . (Girls of all ages and boys under 1O are welcome at the retreat.)
I would like to ride with someone.

to provide retreat scholarships.
_

I can help provide rides to the retreat.

GoDDEss MADE Us IN
HER IMAGE
By Deborah Fox
From time immemorial women have brought forth Life.
Yes, men play their part, as stimulators, but women carry the
seeds as well as bring them to fruition.
It's not surprising our Ancestors worshipped the Goddess, for Life taught them reverence for the female - who
swells with new life over many moons and then with innate
courage endures the great pains to miraculously bring forth
a new human being. That's not all; She also produces
sustenance from her own body to ensure healthy survival.
Isis, Oshun, Demeter, Kuan Yin, Kali-ma, Danu, Copatlicue,
Kunapipi,Ashtoreth, Freyja,Spiderwoman.. .And then there's
Gaia, Erde-Mother Earth, who each Spring brings forth life
anew fulfilling Her promise of rebirth and renewal.
Upon entering motherhood, entranced in labor, I felt a
Cosmic Alliance with all mothers of all time, I could almost
hear all their whispered words of wisdom and encouragement. Motherhood is a spiritual initiation - I, creatrix.
Under Patriarchy motherhood has been institutionalized - aiming to ensure that women's reproductive powers
-andallwomen-remainundermalecontrol. Wherechildren
were once raised communally, giving mothers the time for
their own needs and creativity, now mothers and their
children are isolated and forced into unnatural dependence
and arrangements, producing co-dependence, resentments,
madness, child neglect, and guilt. Though some women
have access to very good child-care, most mothers agonize
over solutions to child-care.
What is more, most women go into motherhood unaware of all it will require of them. Patriarchy has been
creating myths telling us for five thousand years that our
greatest reward is raising children and that it is a blissful
endeavor. Women who go into motherhood with these
expectations are gravely disappointed. Motherhood will
bring you some fulfillment but self-empowerment is our
greatestreward. Anothermythofmotherhoodisthathaving
a child will hold a relationship together, in fact, if your
relationship is in trouble, the stresses of having a child will
probably destroy it. Orthatmotherhoodis for every woman,
it' snot.
Raising children in oursodeo/isa thankless job that eats
away ourself-esteem. Because, though raising children is the
most important job in the world, it receives no status or
recompense. Women are made to feel that what they're
doing has no value - only corporate heads or business
professionals are important to our world. The patriarchal
arrangement for motherhood undermines women' empowerment - always being in service to others (no matter how
well they treat you) who are off to an important day of work
or school subtly enforces feelings of worthlessness.
Raising children is a job, a: labor of love, sure, but it is no
picnic. Expect your whole life to change (it will, no matter
how adamantly you deny it), expect sleepless nights and

6

Her/and Voice May, 1994

constant interruptions, expect the spontaneity of your life to
disappear, expect your sex life to be severely limited, expect
to cook regular meals and keep regular hours, expect to
worry and feel anxious about their well being, exp~t to feel
guilty, expect everything to revolve aroun~ t:he kid~ ~d
don't expect to go out dancing or horseback ndmg or hiking
or star gazing or anything you enjoy doing as an adult on a
whim as much as you like anymore.
Of course women do work things out and can and do
enjoy motherhood (the older the kids getth~ more. fun it gets)
and some women really do experience bliss at it. But beaware of all the conditioning, illusions and delusions, pretty
images and stereotypes brought to you and often unknowingly taken in by you, that patriarchal ideology serves up.
Motherhood will make you grow up, fast. Motherhood
will show you strengths you never knew you had. Motherhood will teach you to really appreciateyourmother(butyou
ought to do it anyway, even if you don't get along - try to
understand her circumstances and conditioning). Motherhood will bring you a really wonderful little pal.
It is very important that women dispel the patriarchal
myth of motherhood and redefine what motherhood really
isandcanbe. "Thehumanspeciesisdependentonmaternal
(or adult) care in infancy much longer than any other animal
species, and in creating a situation in whi~h they could
nurture and rear infants safely and effectively, women
became the civilizers, the inventors of agriculture, of community, some maintain of language itself." (Adrienne Rich,
"Of Women Born") Women's power to reproduce is aweinspiring and womanhood ought to be revered. We are all
D
born of woman!

Rebecca R. Cohn, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychology

Norman, OK
321-2148

Individual,
Couples & Family

Therapy

Published by: Herland Sister Resources, Inc. 2312 N.W. 39th,
Oklahoma City, OK 73112
Newsletter Committee: Margaret Cox, Deborah Fox, Vivien Ng,
Pat Reaves
Circulation: 1300
Advertising Rates: Business card $15; 1/4 page $35;
1/2 page $60; full page $100
The Voice is offered as an open forum for community discourse .
Articles reflect the opinions of the author and not necessarily those
of Herland Sister Resources. Unsolicited articles and letters to the
editor are welcomed and must be signed by the writer with full name
and address. Upon request , letters or articles may be printed under
a pseudonym or anonymously.

Subscriptions to The Voice are free upon request.
The Voice is printed on recycled paper.

CHERYL WHEELER:

D~kes To Watch Ont for

DRIVING HOME
-.-.. ll-1~-E-..-TE-N-.-=-,0-K-AY-,Y-OO-,RE-AU.--:[X)N-E,-,,,--=or-111-:--AI~),-.,

By Ji/I Gamer

11iE I.AS< ~~/NE oll ~E C1R[u1f. tloT MD FOR YO'JI'
Fl~51 DAY. A A>"'"""''HS W01<<1ilGOl11.ikE1l<Af,
!WP Y()iU BE /~ DECM S~Al'f !

I had the wonderful pleasure recently
of hearing Cheryl Wheeler sing at the Blue
Door Cafe. I was floored by her voice, her
songs, and the way they made me feel.
Wheeler has a gorgeous voice that wraps
around you and sweeps you away to New
England in the spring and fall, to small
Pennsylvania towns, and takes you through
love rekindled and love gone wrong, from
tears to the top of the world. Her latest
release, Driving Home has made a lifelong
fan of me, and this is music that's meant to
be shared.
Wheeler's lyrics are vivid, moving and
close to the heart. In "Spring" and ''When
Fall Comes to New England," the changing
of the seasons is celebrated "and leaves are
Irish Setter re<i when fall comes to New
England." "Spring" is one of the liveliest
songs on the album and will have you
tapping your feet and feeling like the world
is truly a wonderful place to be. Mary Chapin
Carpenter provides harmony vocals on ''75
Septembers," a song Wheeler wrote for her
father. It's a beautiful, touching song that
muses" Areyoumoreama.zedathowthings
chmge, orhowtheystaythesame?' Alison
Krauss, two-time bluegrass Grammy
Award winner (and voice like an angel),
sings with Wheeler on the humorous "Don't
Forget the Guns" about a family going on
vacation prepared with an arsenal of weapons.
And what's an album without love
songs? "Silver Lining," a cheerful and
hopeful melody, describes a love that faltered but came back strong. "Almost," a
tune that features just a piano and Wheeler's
exquisite voice, is full of that familiar ache of
wanting with lines like "I'm almost everything you have ever wanted, I'm almost
your best dream come true." In "Act of
Nature," a violent storm illuminates the
death of a relationship as she sings "Someone said I should hear, waming cries soft
and clear, whispered in the calm before the
stonn."
''Driving Home," with Patty Larkin
providing her sweet voice on harmony and
playing slide guitar, showcases Wheeler's
fabulous singing and songwriting as she
carries us over the backroads of Pennsylvania with no need to hurry.
Wheeler captures my feelings about
this album in "Music in My Room" singing
"I know I've played this one a hundred
times, and I know the sonss will end too
soo4 whenI'mlisteningtothemusicinmy
room." Wheeler's Driving Home is definitely one to drive home with.
To order Driving Home call Herland at
521-9696.
0

MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD
The Herland Voice is a forum for community discussion of issues and events of
interest to lesbians and other women. We encourage submission of items for publication.
Coming issues will focus on:
June - "Stonewall & Before :" This issue will focus on what it was like to live as a
lesbian in Oklahoma in the 60's and earlier. We invite women to send essays, letters,
stories, poetry and photos of lesbians in Oklahoma prior to 1969. If you would rather tell
your story to someone else to write, please call Herland.
July - "Celebrating Stonewall:" We invite reports, reflections and photos from
Stonewall 25, the Gay Games and events surrounding the celebration in New York, the
OKC Gay & Lesbian Pride Parade and other lesbian and gay pride events.
Items submitted for the Voice are preferred on floppy disk in Wordperfect or ASCII
format. They may also be sent typed and double-spaced or, if necessary, will be accepted
inneathandwriting. Eachartidemustbeaccompaniedbytheauthor'snameandaddress
when submitted. Pseudonyms may be used for publication if requested. Mail to:
Herland, A TIN: Voice, 2312 N.W. 39, OKC, OK 73112; e-mail to preaves@delphi.com;
or fax (405)524-7510. For more information, please call Herland at 521-9696.
0

Her/and Voice

May, 1994

7

MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR MOTHER's DAY
(continued from page 1)

This fight continues. In October, 1993, the Oklahoma
Court of Appeals challenged the findings of the Cleveland
County District Court which stated the mother was "unfit" to
have custody because she is a lesbian, but the higher court
maintained thatthe possibility of future prejudice against the
children is sufficient reason to refuse her custody. This
decision is being appealed to the Oklahoma Supreme Court.
The purpose of the Herland Legal Defense Fund is to
provide financial support for the legal expenses of lesbian
mothers who are appealing loss of custody in cases where that
loss is specifically due to their sexual orientation. Priority is
given to cases which offer an opportunil y to set precedent. At
this time, any positive decision in the Appellate Court or the
State Supreme Court in similar cases will set an important
precedent in the state of Oklahoma for future child custody
cases involving lesbian and gay parents.
The Herland Legal Defense Fund Committee is inviting
interested women and men to join us in fighting the discrimi·
nation and prejudices that have been adminstered by the
Oklahoma legal system. The HLDF Committee meets the
second Monday of each month at 6:30 pm. at Herland Sister
Resources to plan fundraisers such as phone banks, mailingsauctions, dances, and concerts.
Please join us and help make a positiveimpactforour lesbian
and gay families. Donations to the Defense Fund can be sent to
Herland Sister Resources, 2312 N.W. 39th, Oklahoma City, OK
73112. For more information, call (405)521-9696.
D

OKLAHOMA PRIDE SUMMIT
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender Oklahomans
and their friends will gather on the University of Oklahoma
campus the weekend of July 15-17 for the Oklahoma Pride
Summit. The Summit is the result of efforts of a number of
Oklahoma's gay,lesbian, bi and transgender organizations to
build an effective network.
By providing a forum for lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and
transgenders to meet and share news and goals, organizers
say they hope themeeting will further empower and motivate
participants, building unity while recognizing diversity.
Organizations involved in the development of the Oklahoma Pride Summit include Herland Sister Resources, Tulsa
Oklahomans for Human Rights, Family of Faith MCC, Per·
spectives, Simply Equal-OKC, OU/GBLA, OSU/GLBSA.,
Affirmation - OKC, Simply Equal -Norman.
Interested Oklahomans from all parts of the state are
invited to register and attend. Pre-registration forms are
available at Herland. Organizers are working to keep registration fees as low as possible with a sliding-fee scale based on
the participant's income. Inexpensive campus housing and
child care will also be available to pre-registered participants.
Volunteers are needed to assist in conference planning
and staffing. The next planning meeting for the Oklahoma
PrideSummitwill be held at 11 AMonMay7 atthe Family of
Faith MCC in Jenks. For more information on this meeting or
on volunteering or registering for the Summit, call Herland at
521-9696 or OGLPC at 791-0202.
D

JltJl. l. l~'l1 IN Jltt1llllt
Lesbian only cowtseling group. Wednesday evenings. Contact Jo L. Soske, M.Ed.,
M.H.R, l.C.A.D.C., N.C.C., L.P.C at 3545708.
Womyn's Works: Don't miss Womyn's
Works, the current show of the Queer
Consortium on display at Triangle Association, 2136 N.W. 39th, OKC. The next
scheduled show will be themed around
the Stonewall/Gay Pride Week festivities.
Meetings fo the Queer Consortium are
open to the community. The next meeting
is scheduled for Thursday, May 19th at
6:00 PM. at the Triangle Association.
Kitchen Table: Women of Color Press is
searching for a Managing Director to lead
this unique non-profit cultural and political institution through its next phase of
growth and development. The applica·
ti on deadline is May 15, 1994. Contact the
Kitchen Table Search Committee cf o the
UnionlnstituteCenterforWomenbycalling 202-667-1313.

Academic Dykes Qesbian faculty and
staff at Oklahoma colleges and universi·
ties) will have our nextpotluckinNorman
on May 14th from 7 p.m. to whenever.Please call Judy at 405-321-6350 for direc·
tions to the house. This will be our last gettogether for the academic year.
Congratulations Crystos! The Audre
Lorde International Poetry Competition
of the Cleveland Poetry Center has been
awarded to Crystos for her manuscript,
Fugitive Colors, which will be publiched
by the Cleveland Poetry Center at Cleveland State University in Spring, 1994.
National Women's Reproductive Health
Call-in Day: People for the American
Way is organizing a national call-in to
Congresspersons and Senators on May
18th to urging them to include reproduc·
tive health services including abortion in
the national health care plan.

Wanted: Essays, poehy, short stories and
artwork for a book on women and our
experiences with "mental illness." Looking for work on our histories with one or
more of the following: psychiatry, psychi·
atric drugs, voluntary orinvoluntary hos·
pitalization, and psychiatric diagnosis.
Stories can be personal, theoretical or both.
Send contributions or questions to:
Alexandra Laris, P. 0. Box 91106, Santa
Barbara, CA 93190-1106. Deadline for
submissions is September 1, 1994, but
please send ASAP.
Domino's Pizza has just awarded its an·
nual humanitarian award to James Dobson, presidentofFocusonFAmily,alarge,
right-wing Christian "family values" organization located in Colorado Springs
that played a vital role in the passage of
Colorado's anti-gay Amendment2. To let
Domino's know how this decision effects
your digestion: Tim Mcintyre, Director of
Public Relations, Domino's Pizza, P. 0 .
Box 997, Ann Arbor; Ml 48106. (Info from

GLAAD/NY}