Queer Ramblings : v.32(2003)
- Title
- Queer Ramblings : v.32(2003)
- Description
- The majority of this magazine features a short story about a lesbian relationship between a college graduate and a higher ranking drug dealer. Their relationship had many ups and downs as they both navigated the relationship. There are many comic strips from a queer artist called “Out There” about domestic aspects to their relationship. There are a few poems and short stories about lesbians. The magazine also features many different images of WLW relationships, either reader submitted or of celebrities.
- Date Issued
- 2003
- Relation
- Queer Ramblings
- Rights
- Contact UCO Chambers Library's Digital Initiatives Working Group at diwg@uco.edu for the permission policy on the use, reproduction or distribution of this material.
- Contributor
- Queer Ramblings Publications
- Date
- 2024-11-26T00:00:07Z
- Date Available
- 2024-11-26T00:00:07Z
- Subject
- WLW (Women Loving Women)
- Short stories
- extracted text
-
I
suggested retail price:
USA$1.00
CAN $1.50
the reader and writer to have their own
reality under a common idea. The
writer pours in to words her experience
and the reader absorbs it within a different perspective. Two minds, two
worlds, same words. Cada cabeza es un
mundo.
Welcome to the thirty-first issue of QueerRamblings, a fabulous monthly
Please do send me your work. Ifl
publication featuring the creativity of queer women. I started this magainclude your work, I' II send you a free
zine because of the abundant talent in our copy. Don't forget that your work inqueer community that often goes unrecspires many. You may snail mail or
ognized due to limited amounts of publi- email to the address below. I encourage
cations that will feature queer-themed
material of any kind and subject, but
creativity.
don't bother sending violence-themed
While I do encourage coming out, being
material.
visible and feeling proud to be queer, I
Finally, a special thanks, hug and big kiss to my darling partner Cid.
also respect that many of the readers and I am truly blessed to have hym.
contributors are not out of the closet for a
This month's cover models/ photographers: Jeanine & Angel
variety of reasons. QueerRamblings is a
safe space, with the option of sharing
Sandra R. Garcia I QueerRamblings Publication
your talents and still remain anonymous
12800 Florence Blvd/ Blythe, CA 92225
should you choose.
I look forward to a lifetime of issues filled
Note: I'm moving to NY next month to be with my FTM partner
with the creativity of the fabulous queer
CID (huge grin) You can send mail to the CA address and I will rewomen who have the courage to share
ceive it. I will give my new address as soon as I get settled in.
their work, and a little bit of themselves.
www.QueerRamblings.com
Written experience is especially signifidid ya know you can look at the covers for past issues? Yeah,
cant to me because it allows the space for
just click on "Images" and then "Covers" Pretty neat!
About me, my vision of
grandeur, and other such
queer ramblings ...
Photography: various black and white
Painting: Anniversary (p~ 15)
Jeanine & Angel
Christy M. Ikner
D. Alexandria Williams,
known as Glitter
Davis & Sanders
Dasa Moon
Monthly column: What's wrong with you? The insider's report: 3
Commitment Service
(including photo and bio)
BlindLove 5
I am ever so excited to announce Out There Comics will be 4, 7, 9, 12-14,16, 19, 25joining QR as a regular contributor. Welcome, welcome! 27. 29-32, back cover
A. Hamilton (including photo and bio) poetry:
known as Lovelybrown
Too Strong to be This Weak
24
The Librarian
29
Heather Rose (including bio) prose:
Moonreapr
KD
Vic Cozy
(includes photo and bio)
Cocoon;
(includes photo and bio)
Phoiography
Drown Me 32;34
Artwork 35- 40
Picking One Up;
Vinnie Valero
poetry
Memory in Flight;
Tara Chen
poetry
Fourteen Floor Sunset;
SurfRocks 41
Dance of Love 43;49
Little One 48;49
Images and words are used by permission of creator. Images may vary from originals. Photocopying necessitates that I lighten
the images and convert images to grayscale. If no creator is noted, image is copy-right free. In any case QueerRamblings Inc.
non-profit organization, makes no attempt to profit from their use. Just trying to spread the word that queer women kick ass, and
well, frankly, working toward domination. P.S. Should I make a mistake, just Jet me know. I'm only one person trying to get it
all done and keep a smile on my face.
What's Wrong With You? ... The Insiders Report
by: Christy M. Ikner
new car never seemed to take very
long. So imagine my surprise when
five and a half hours later my partner
and I were still at the dealership waiting on the completed paperwork to
be signed.
In today's technologically advanced ·society of online loan approvals one would think the process of
ca; buying would be significantlr
shorter. And it may be for the blissfully married heteros. But for us lifepartnered gays, the process was
longer than the 1982 Buick LeSabre
Cars and Insurance that I inherited from my parents upon
my high school graduation.
What do you get when you cross
A process that took less than the
one car salesman, an insurance representative and two lesbians? One better part of a Saturday for my par- gether. After they det~rmined that
ents, became a three day ordeal for we were indeed a lesbian couple
foreign car registered into two.
who, following the stereotype probanames, one American SUV dnven by my partner and I. Let me start fr~m
the
beginning.
My
partner,
Jen_mfer,
bly didn't make much money, they
one lesbian but registered to another,
is
a
Realtor
who
drives
what
might
as
pawned us off on an intema~ion~I
one loan in two names with a high
well
be
a
million
miles
a
week
in
her
salesman working his third
interest rate and insurance coverage
V8
Ford
Explorer,
causing
.--~=-~~,
day
on the job. Our salesfor all with a multi-car discount.
a
severe
deficit
in
our
man
was very kind but spoke
Whew!
household
budget
under
with
an
extreme accent for
When I was a little girl my parthe line item "gas." Therehis nationality that made
ents traded in the family car every
fore,
the
decision
was
what
should have been short
five years for a new one. Bein~ that
made
that
we
would
look
u
ve·
.
and
concise
conversation
it was a family decision, many times I
for
her
something
stylish,
more
lengthy.
Not
to
mention the
accompanied them on the trip to the
safe
and
roomy
but
with
a
smaller
fact
that
every
time
he
said the word
Buick dealer. I remember it vividly.
engine.
We
did
some
suave,
Internet
"Volvo"
it
sounded
like
"vulva" which
we would meet a salesman,
research
and
the
4cylinder,
Volvo
made
it
difficult
for
me
to
focus on
pick a color, take a test drive, my
S-40
was
chosen.
In
short,
it
took
us
the
task
at
hand.
father would fill out the paper work,
less time to research and choose a
After a satisfying test drive we
we would drive it home, one phone
car
than
to
actually
purchase
the
car.
accompanied
our salesman to his
call would be made to the insurance
The
plan
was
to
trade
in
my
old
glassed
cubicle
and b~gan to answer
company and voila? The new car
clunker,
which
was
registered
and
more
questions
regarding our tideal was done and we were off to the
insured in my name, for the new car
land of "Are we there yet?" and
nances.
that Jennifer would drive and I would
"Don't make me stop this car!" Even
Again we were faced with
begin to drive the Explorer as I don't
in a child's mind, where time often
scrunched foreheads, the national
travel the county hocking houses.
stands still, the process of buying a
sign for confusion, of how it was that
Simple enough, right? I truly
we two women owned a house to,,_,_.,...~~"".""Zl'"T..., believe it would have been easier to
gether and shared bank accounts. I
solve the Martha Stewart Insider
wanted them to stamp "LESBIAN"
Trading scandal than trying to puracross our application just to make it
chase this car as a gay couple.
easier for the loan processing. Not
Upon arriving at the dealership we
only did we have to answer the s~me
played "20 Questions" with the
questions, that we had just five mmsales staff in order for them to understand that we were buying the
(Car Salesman continued on page 4)
Gia Carangi,
Lesbian
Supermodel
so tragically
of Aids, the
pbying
in the
water withwho
another
model. died car and mak'1ng the decision toQueerRamblings issue 30, P· 3
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, P· 3
utes earlier answered for our salesloans since she
man, for the girl in the finance depart- bought the Ford prement, we also had to be lectured and me also making both
chastised by the Credit Manager on
cars registered in her
how co-signing wasn't always
name with only
the wisest decision. How about
the Volvo in my
•name, which I
this? If we were allowed to be
don't even
legally married there would be
no co-signer, the loan would
drive. We had
just be in both of our names as a cou- to have two separate
insurance policies.
ple without us both having to fill out
separate loan applications and give
And forget about
all of our information, that is initially
Jenn's good driving
the same, two separate times to three record spawning a discount
..
each carry your own ink pen
different people!
for me! Also, we were not ~ and be prepared to answer
Needless to say, we survived the eligible for any couple or
~ every question that can posbuying process and the "Vulva" drives family discounts and once
~ • sibly be asked regarding
great! We rested on Sunday and
again found ourselves filling
finances, incomes and bank
began the insuring process early on
out two separate piles of paperwork. accounts about three times each. Or,
Monday. We have a great insurance
So, ladies and lesbians, the les- you can simply order the "LESBIAN"
agent, Caroline Pistole of State Farm. son here is simple. When you begin stamp and hope for the best. u,,.,"""
Caroline has all of our insurance the process of buying a car you need
policies and knows that we are a very to be sure and clear your calendar,
cute, responsible, lesbian couple,
so we anticipated no problems
OUT THERE: BIO
I was born in Havana Cuba and
getting the Volvo insured. And
came
to
the
states
when
I
was
2 years old in 1962 (now you
indeed, compared to buying the
know how old I am) I was raised in Astoria, Queens, NY and
car, we had few. But take a look
lived there until I met Tina and moved to Upstate, NY in 97.
at the list of situations that we
had to resolve because we are
Tina was born and raised in upstate NY, we live in a cute litnot recognized legally as a martle town house with our 3 babies ( our cats) ! I have 4 children
ried couple. The only way we
all grown up who live in NYC and whom we adore dearly!
could receive a multi-car discount
Don't know what else to say about us except we are kinda
was because Jennifer happened
nutty and have the same sense of humor which is very importo have her name on both car
Ir.=========================~
,...._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.,..1tant especially if you are a cartoonist! And I kid you not 90
percent of my material is stuff that has really happened to us
with a few embellishments here and there.
Ip'{ Dl\\'1$ f, ~I\NDt-:tz.'5
D{',.'5f>. MOON
YOU 'DE-f. MP.., NI C..OLE- !'.:,
NOT MY 12-0DMATt '5r\f,'~
Mi LOVf-12,.... MA? ..MP..?
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 4
www.QueerRamblings.com
Ott MY l,,AWD I !(tLLf,D
MY MOH\f-\2.!
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 4
Young woman but
with years beyond told.
Childlike mind, but with a
wise elder's soul.
Massachusetts, born and raised Jamaican heritage,
full of pride and rage
Eclectic, alternative,
and with a sharp wit
Gemini personality and
even a modern Witch
Future in journalism, novels, and poetry
Not surviving this world, but changing it,
you'll see
Life full of changes
and sparkles at every turn
Born D. Alexandria Williams, but known as Glitter
Blind Love
by Glitter
I can't believe I'm going to prison.
__ Damn, I was trying not to think about
it. But it's not like you can really ignore it as
you're on the bus, driving on the highway,
chained to someone you don't even know. I
kept looking out the window, staring at all
the cars, trucks, and mini-vans, wondering
where all those people were going. It was
Saturday; so probably shopping, vacation,
or maybe a road trip to see family in another state. Who knew? They had many
possibilities. As for this bus, everyone who
saw it knew where it was going.
__ My eyes caught a black Cadillac
SUV, and I was immediately reminded of
Dre. She loved her Caddy almost as much
as she loved me. Or how much she claimed
to love me.
__No, no, no. Don't go there, I told
myself. Dre loved me ... I knew she did. No
matter how rough this shit gets, I had to
hold onto that. Because in the end, she
was who I was coming home to. Whenever
I was going to be able to come home.
__"You think that Andrea cares about
you?" The detective had asked me again
and again when they had me in the interrogation room the day I got arrested. "She's
going to let you take the fall for this, Astoria. You are going to go to jail and she's
getting away with it, and she'll take up with
someone else."
__I hc1d just sat there silent, smoking
my fifth cigarette in an hour, my heart
pounding in my chest, but on the outside I
looked calm as ever.
__"Don't be stupid, Astoria. Look at
what you're facing. Up to fifteen years in
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 5
prison. And the state is definitely going to
ask for the max. Are you really going to let
Andrea make you take the fall for this? And
don't say that she isn't in on this, because
we know she is. I know she put you up to
this. She's not going to rescue you, Astoria.
She'll let you take the fall and run . And
you'll be facing all this alone. You are going
to have to stop this yourself."
__ Still silent. I just puffed away, my
eyes trying to picture Dre's face. Dre's comforting, warm, beautiful face. God, I needed
her right now.
__"You are a fool if you don't admit it.
You're going to throw your life away for
someone who won't even remember who
you are this time next month. I hear you
have a wonderful career ahead of you. You
spent years working on making a life for
yourself. And you're just going to throw it all
away." He suddenly slammed his fist on the
table, making me jump in my seat.
"Dammit, Astoria! Admit that Andrea
Walker was the head of this. We know that
you couldn't have pulled this whole thing by
yourself. Only Andrea could have done this.
Why don't you just admit it?"
_ _I had finally turned and looked him
straight in the eye. "I was alone on this. No
one was in on this, but me. Andrea didn't
even know about it."
__ His eyes clouded over in anger and
he stood up. "You're going to go down for a
crime she committed. I hope whatever you
had with her was worth it, Astoria. Because
your future is gone, and so is she."
__ Lies, all lies. Dre wouldn't leave me.
Not like this. She had promised to take care
of me. And I believed her. With all my heart.
_ _But it's hard to believe much when all
you can think of is a tall, nerdy-looking
white man, reading a piece of paper and
saying, "guilty", and knowing that your fate
www.QueerRamblings.com
is sealed. The first thing I had done was
tum around in my seat and looked at my
mother's horrified face. She belted out a
wrenching cry and we had immediately
reached for each other.
__•Just talk, baby." She said quickly.
"Please. I know you didn't do this. This isn't
you. Don't go to jail, just talk. It can't be
worth it, please."
__But with tears in my eyes, I just
squeezed her hand and got to my feet as
the bailiff came for me, handcuffs ready.
The last thing I saw, as they took me away,
was my mother laying her head on my
father's shoulder, crying so hard her whole
body shook. Not cool. You never want to be
the reason your mother cries like that. But I
had no choice; I had to keep stay silent. But
that moment would always haunt me.
__ I watched as the bus finally left the
highway, taking an exit that lead to a dirt
road. After about ten minutes, the building
came into view. The first thing I saw was
the metal fence that surrounded the entire
building. About forty feet tall with barbed
wire on the top. And that's when I broke.
That's when the tears came down and I
realized this was going to be my new home.
My freedom was truly gone.
Countless times I wondered how I got
myself in this mess. Throughout the entire
trial I silently wondered in my seat, trying to
pinpoint the exact time I had decided everything that I had worked for didn't matter to
me anymore. A year ago, I was happy,
graduating college with a BA in fashion
design, and I was the apple of my parents'
eyes. But a year ago, I didn't realize what
true love could feel like. And as soon as
love hit me .. .all hell broke loose.
__ Love is blind. It took me a while to
truly understand that phrase. I think everyone understands it to some degree, but
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 5
{Blind Love Continued from page 5)
until you're actually in love, full realization
and understanding doesn't hit you yet. I
think I kind of laughed at it, like most people do. Come on, love is a beautiful thing. I
could always see myself falling so deeply
in love that I would practically do anything
for the person I loved. But never, in my life,
did I think I would fall as hard as I did.
Have the urge to protect someone so
much. When you realize that nothing matters more to you than the safe, well being
of that person. That taking risks don't matter to you anymore. I fell. I fell so hard that
I got so blind to what love was costing me.
************
_ _ It was my senior year at college, and
I was partying like a madwoman. Graduation was less than a month away, and I
only had to worry about finals that I knew
would be a breeze, and my week vacation
in Jamaica that my parents were sending
me on. I had already landed a job as an
assistant illustrator for a prestigious fashion house. My dorm roommate and best
friend, Anya, and I had already paid and
signed the lease for our new apartment
that would be waiting for us when we
came back from Jamaica. Life was pie as
far as I was concerned. All I was thinking
of was celebrating.
_ _ Friday night, Anya and I were getting dressed for the club, when she suddenly groaned aloud.
_ _"What's wrong?" I asked as I swiftly
lined my eyes in purple.
_ _"I'm out of trees." She said. "Do you
have any?"
_ _ I shook my head. "I thought you had
gotten some more?"
_ _"Ran out. Fuck, I wanted to smoke
before we go to the club." She searched
her bag. "All I got are woods. We're gonna
have to make a stop ok? Let me call one
of my peeps."
_ _ Finished with my make-up, I stood
back and looked in the mirror and smiled. I
had bought a new outfit, black hip-hugging
jeans, a metallic purple corset, and matching purple, heeled boots. My long, light
brown braids were pulled back into a loose
ponytail, and I wore an array of purple and
silver bangles on my arms. I turned to see
my profile, and my big ass jumped out,
loud and proud. I was voluptuous, with no
shame in my game. I loved being thick and
would always be. If you were going to hold
me, you were going to definitely feel me.
__"Damn, girt, that outfit's hot." Anya
said as she came up behind me. She was
dressed in a red lace cat suit, and you
could see the black short panty and bra
set she wore underneath. Her short black
hair was adorned with glittered hair clips,
and she had lined her eyes so they had a
cat-like look.
_ _"Thank you. You too." I smiled, making one more touch up to my lip-gloss.
__"We gotta stop at Danny's." She
said. "He got some. You got twenty dollars?"
__I nodded. "I always got money for
weed, girt."
_ _ It was almost eleven o'clock, so we
finished up quickly and ran out of the room
to Anya's car. Anya grew up a couple of
neighborhoods away, so she knew the
(Blind Love Continued on page 7)
i\ne/t:iina ,) 0 u...,
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 6
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 6
OUT -n-\£.\Z-,f,
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(Blind Love Continued from page 6)
area like the back of her hand, and we
were flying. In less than ten minutes, we
pulled up in front of a brownstone, and
Anya stepped out.
__"Five minutes or less." She promised then she disappeared inside.
__ I pulled down the visor to check my
lipstick in the vanity mirror, before I lit a
cigarette. When I flipped the visor back, a
black SUV pulled up in front of Anya's car.
The driver side opened, and someone
dressed in all black stepped out. Whoever
it was, wore a hoodie that was over his
head, with a baseball cap that was pulled
down so low I couldn't see his eyes, and
his head was lowered. All I could see was
his full-lipped mouth.
__ I forced myself to look away,
reminding myself to never pay attention
to anything during situations like these.
You never know who's going to notice
that you saw them, and you never
wanted to be a witness to anything.
The best rule to live by was to just mind
your own business.
__ But for some reason I looked up,
just in time to see that he was looking
straight at me, through a pair of sunglasses.
__ Unfair. He could see me, but I
couldn't see him. But in a quick glance
of his body, I realized that he wasn't a
he after all. Tall with a shapely body
that you could see, regardless of how
baggy the clothes were. He was a she.
__ She·suddenly smirked, then
turned to walk inside the brownstone. I
caught myself biting my bottom lip. If
only she didn't have the sunglasses on,
I could have gotten a decent look at her
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 7
face. But I knew that I liked what I saw, so
far. Something about that smile got to me.
_ _ A couple of minutes later, Anya
stepped outside and got into the car.
"Danny is having some kind of party. We
got invited-and I would have said yes,
cuz sometimes Danny's parties can outdo
the club, you know what I mean? But then
the crowd just got kinda hot, so I said
nah."
_ _"What do you mean? Who was
there?" I asked. Someone had to be pretty
bad for Anya to turn down a party if they
were present.
_ _ She just shook her head as she
started the car. "People you don't want to
fuck with, that's all." And I knew that meant
to leave it at that.
_ _We had a great night at the club,
opting to go to one of the few gay clubs in
the area. Since I was gay and Anya was
straight, we would usually split the club
scene down the middle. We'd alternate
nights between straight and gay clubs, but
when it came down to it, we were going for
the music and to just bug out. Both of us
were single and had no one to answer to,
so we'd have as much fun as possible.
Whenever we went to a straight club, I
danced with guys as well. No harm in just
dancing-but I was always honest when I
realized they were getting a bit too attached. And the same went for Anya, who
always managed to land the finest women
whenever she went to a gay club. Like me,
she was always honest, but even she
admitted that she liked her studs, saying
that was her only temptation to bisexuality. Like tonight, for instance; I was at the
bar, ordering a Vanilla Stoli with coke,
when I spotted Anya near the centre of
the dance floor, grinding her ass on a
cute stud, who was wearing all red as
well. Anya sure wasn't acting straight
now, as she looked back at the girl she
was dancing with, holding the girl's hands
on her hips as she gyrated.
_ _ I shook my head, laughing to myself as I took my drink back to where I
was standing earlier.
_ _" 'Sup, Shorty?"
_ _ I turned and faced a person
dressed in all black, and I realized it was
the same girl with the SUV from Danny's.
She had pushed the hood and hat off her
head, revealing a long oval face, cute
button nose, and round cheeks. Her
blondish-brown hair was in micro corn(Blind Love Continued on page 8)
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 7
my hips.
_ _My mystery
woman smiled,
watching me lose
myself to the
music. I felt her
hands grab my
hips and pull me
close, and I
moved with her,
placing an arm
around her neck.
Something about
reggae just makes
you want to act as
sexual as you
can. All of a sudden, you are moving parts of your
body you hardly
paid attention to
before, and whoever you are
dancing with is
the audience to
your solo sexual
tease. And I was
happy with the
audience I had. I
didn't allow myself
to get as raunchy as I knew I could get,
opting to keep some innocence, but I
wanted to overheat her just a little bit.
_ _We danced a few more songs together, until the DJ switched up to Rap
again. Laughing, I stopped dancing and
led her back to where she found me. I
picked up my drink and took a sip.
_ _"You need to learn to behave yourself when you dance." I told her, knowing
the alcohol was getting to me.
_ _•And what makes you say that?"
She asked me.
_ _"You and your busy hands."
-===================== __"You liked
- my busy hands."
_ _ !just
smiled, knowing
•· she was right.
- "Maybe I wanted
to get to know
you better before
your hands got so
,~ busy."
_ _She was
silent for a moment, and I could
tell that she was
sizing me up. In
the silence, I
decided to smoke
(Blind Love Continued from page 7)
rows, and fell down to her waist.
__"Hello." I answered, ready to tum
back around. My heart was pounding in
my chest.
_ _"Didn't think I'd luck out and see you
again." She said.
_ _"What do you mean?" I asked, opting to play dumb instead. Sorry, but I stuck
by my rules.
__"I know you saw me." She lowered
her sunglasses, and my pounding heart
literally froze. She had the most amazing
eyes I had ever seen. Slanted eyes, but
such a strong, clear brown that they
seemed to see right through you. "It ain't
no big deal, but I kinda liked what I saw,
that's all."
__•Just kinda?" I asked, wondering
why I suddenly felt my hands getting
clammy.
__This time, she took the sunglasses
fully off and slipped them into her pocket.
Up close, she was about five feet nine,
maybe ten. Under her clothes, she had a
somewhat thick or muscular body, but she
had shape; you could see she was bigbreasted and thick in the hips.
_ _"Well, you never know if you fully
like something unless you get to try it."
She said boldly. "Feel like dancing?"
_ _As if I was on automatic, I nodded
and let her take my hand as she led me to
the overcrowded dance floor. I didn't think
we would find a place to dance, but a suitable area suddenly opened up for us, and
my mystery woman just pulled me close to
her. Anya and I loved going to this particular club, because the DJ always did a
perfect mix of new and old school Rap,
R&B, and Reggae. And as soon as we
were on the dance floor, "Murder She
Wrote" came on. It was one of my favourite songs, so I lit up and started grinding
A
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 8
www.QueerRamblings.com
a cigarette. She immediately produced a
lighter, lighting my cigarette for me.
_ _"You got a girl?" She asked.
_ _I shook my head. "Not yet. You?"
_ _"No."
_ _"Good." I said.
_ _ She smirked making me remember
what attracted me to her in the first place.
Damn, that smile was hot.
_ _"Give me your number." She said.
_ _I shook my head. "Uh-uh. Give me
yours."
_ _She chuckled. But I watched her pull
a pen out of her pocket and she scribbled
her number on a napkin. "And who shall I
expect to call?"
_ _ I took the napkin, folding it carefully
before I pocketed it. "Astoria.•
_ _"Astoria?" She asked. Then she
smiled. "Cute."
_ _"And who am I calling?" I asked.
_ _ She took my hand, lifting it to her
lips. After the gentle kiss that I could feel
all the way to my toes, she winked at me.
"Dre. Don't take too long to call me." Then
she turned and walked away.
_ _And I stood there, in awe. I watched
as she gave daps to people on her way
out, and realized I wasn't dealing with just
anyone. Just how people seemed to liter(Blind Love Continued on page 9)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 8
our THE-12-£
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DA.'01\. MOO!-.!
I jtisl ash ti 1/lhal
timi it "'a5!
(Blind Love Continued from page 8)
ally make room around her. She was special. I patted the napkin in my pocket before going back to the dance floor.
__ I didn't call her for two days. I'm
sorry, but I didn't want to seem desperate.
And I wasn't calling for a full conversation
either. I had a routine that I lived by. If you
get a number, you wait two days before
making the initial call. And you call to just
say hello, verifying the number and the
person you met match. Remind them that
they gave you their number, say a quick
hello, and schedule a time to actually talk.
Ever since I started dating, I lived by this
plan, and it always worked out well for me.
__ Dre was haunting me. Regardless of
whatever I did, I couldn't get those eyes
and that smile out of my mind. I practically
forced myself not to call her the first day,
going to a movie and dinner when I really
wasn't in the mood. The
second day was easier; I
had two finals, and a few
professors I had to speak
with. I didn't make it back
to my room until almost 5
o'clock, and I was practically drained. My head
hurt from thinking too
much, my feet hurt from
running around campus,
and all I wanted to do was
rest my head for a moment before my whirlwind
night of pc1rtying started.
__But as soon as I
stepped into the room,
Dre was the first thing on
my mind. I was in the
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 9
clear; I could finally call.
__The napkin with her number on it
was in my nightstand, and I quickly retrieved it and calmed myself before I
called.
__"Hello?" It was her---1 couldn't forget
that voice anywhere.
__ "Hi, Dre, this is Astoria."
_ _"Astoria? Oh yeah, from the other
night. Didn't think I'd hear from you.
Thought I told you not to take too long to
call."
__"I'm in college, I get busy." I said as
I sat on my bed. Just go through the routine, just say you wanted to touch base,
and you'll call her later.
_ _"Busy girls need some down time." I
heard some rustling on her end, then she
asked, "What are you doing right now?"
_ _"Um, resting. I had some finals today."
__ "You go to Anderson, right?"
__"Uh, yeah ... how did you know?"
__"Meet me in front of the campus
library in one hour. Wear something nice
and warm." Then she was gone.
__ I stared at the phone, hearing the
dial tone and I was in shock. How did she
know where I went to school? Why did it
feel like she had been expecting my call?
And who in the world did she think she
was just telling me meet her without expecting some kind of agreement? Did she
think I didn't have a life? That I could just
drop everything for her?
__ Hell the fuck no. I wasn't some dog
that would just come if you snap your fingers. I wasn't going to let her play me like I
was some punk. My shock turned to anger, and I hung up the phone, laying on my
bed in defiance. She could go fuck herself.
I wasn't about to jump just because she
said so.
_ _I decided to get comfortable, changing into some
sweats, and turned on the small
television Anya and I bought
together. Cartoon Network.
Whenever I wanted to calm
down, I turned on a cartoon and
laughed my troubles away.
_ _But the clock kept ticking.
Loudly. And against my will, my
eyes kept shifting towards to
clock. It was twenty to six.
Twenty minutes. In twenty minutes, Dre would pull up in front
of the library and realize that I
was an independent woman
who did not respond well to
13/ind Love Continued on page 10)
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 9
(Blind Love Continued from page 9)
being ordered.
_ _ Nineteen minutes. She'd realize how
foolish she was to speak to me that way.
And she'd feel guilty and stupid.
_ _ Eighteen minutes. Maybe I'll call her
in a few days. Make up some excuse,
some emergency came up. But she won't
care. She'll be so grateful to hear my voice
that she'd apologize all over the place and
ask me to give her another chance.
__ Seventeen minutes. To believe, she
had the audacity to actually tell me to be
ready. Not even ask. How dare she? Who
did she think she was?
__ Sixteen minutes. Well, it doesn't
matter anyway. Maybe I'm better off not
knowing her. I mean, would you really
want to get with a person that had that
kind of personality? Didn't she realize what
era it was? Women today didn't have to
put up with that bullshit. We deserved
people to treat us with dignity. And just
because she was a woman and a lesbian
didn't mean I was going to expect any
differently.
_ _ Fifteen minutes. I finally screamed
out of aggravation and jumped to my feet. I
ran to my closet, pulling out whatever
suitable outfit I could think of. Nice and
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 10
warm, nice and warm. Wool boot-cut grey
pants, and a black sleeveless turtleneck.
Good, good, good. I pulled out a pair of
black boots, matching purse, and laid out
my makeup before I ran down the hall to
the bathroom.
_ _What was I doing? I should still be
comfortably in my bed, watching television,
and planning my fun night. Not rushing
through a shower at top speed. I washed
everything that was necessary, and halfnaked, ran back to my room to get
dressed.
_ _ Five minutes. I now had mastered
the art of putting on my makeup while
getting dressed. I secured my hair in a
ponytail, grabbed my purse, dumped everything I needed in it, then ran out of my
room.
_ _By the time I made it to the library,
my watch read 5:59pm. I had made it. I
somehow managed to be dressed, ready,
and on time in less than fifteen minutes. I
made a mental note to never, never confess this to anyone I dated.
_ _And at 6 o'clock, the black SUV
appeared out of nowhere and pulled up. I
watched Dre get out, and walk around the
front of the vehicle to where I stood.
_ _"You look great." She said.
www.QueerRamblings.com
_ _ I look great? That's it? No, hello,
thank you for meeting me at such short
notice, none of that? For a split second, I
thought about turning around and walking
back to my dorm.
_ _ But, of course, I just smjled. "Thank
you. You too." I had to admit that she
looked nice. As if we had similar minds,
she wore black slacks, and a grey and
black knit sweater. Her hair had been rebraided, still cornrows, but with these Aztec type designs. Damn, her hair was long.
"So where are we going?"
_ _"It's a surprise." She opened the
passenger side, and helped me up and
inside the SUV. I couldn't help but notice
the Cadillac monogram on the side. "Do
you like seafood?"
_ _ "Yeah, I do." I admitted. Lobster was
actually a big weakness for me. But you
never, NEVER admit your ultimate favourite foods on the first date. Especially if they
are expensive. Your date will think you're
some gold-digger, and unless you are, you
definitely don't want anyone to assume
that about you, or you'll get absolutely
nowhere.
_ _ "Have you ever been to Nina's?"
She asked starting the engine.
_ _ "Don't think so."
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 10
(Blind Love Continued from page I 0)
__"It's wonderful. The best seafood
I've ever had-except for when I was in
the Bahamas."
__"You've been to the Bahamas?" I
asked her.
__ "Yep."
__"My roommate and I are going to
Jamaica after graduation. I can't wait."
__ Dre pulled away from the curb.
"You're a senior?"
__"Yes." I replied. See, ifwe had gone
with my plan, she would have already
known this before our first actual date.
__"What's your major?"
__ "Fashion design."
__She grinned. "No kidding? You like
making clothes?"
__ "Sure do. One day, you will see my
designs on a runway. I will be famous."
She chuckled. "I don't doubt it. You
seem like a woman who knows what she
wants."
__"And how is it that you know that
about me? You hardly know me."
__ Dre just shrugged. "Let's just say I
have good taste. And any woman I like,
has a good head on her shoulders."
__ Good one, good one. She was
smooth. I just nodded and sat back in my
comfy seat. Was this leather? Goddamn,
who was this woman?
__ "So, are you in school?" I asked,
knowing full well she wasn't.
__ She shook her head. "Nah, just
work."
__"What do you do?" I asked.
__ She smiled. "Construction. I love
building houses. And I do other odds and
ends on the side."
__ I just nodded. It didn't add up, but I
wasn't going to pry. I just sat back and
enjoyed the ride.
__ Nina's turned out to be a quaint
restaurant, nestled on the edge of a fishing
town that was about an hour away in the
next state. As soon as we pulled into the
parking lot, my first thought was wondering
how Dre had found it. But as soon as we
stepped inside, I forgot all about that. I
swear to God, ii was like we stepped into
some movie. We were given one of the
best tables, beside a huge picture window
with a view of the ocean. The waitress
seemed to have been hovering near us,
because she would appear as if by magic
whenever we needed her. And Dre was on
point with the menu. She had me try oysters for the first time, which, I have to add
that I didn't want to even look at, at first,
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 11
but I decided to have an open mind and
tried it, and ii was wonderful. The lobster-that Dre insisted I had to order because it
was her favourite as well---was so good
that ii had me in tears. Conversation was
minimal. We discussed the necessities,
but I could tell that she was holding back.
Her mannerisms, the way her eyes
seemed to always be on the lookout. She
was a woman with a lot of secrets. And for
some strange reason, that only appealed
to me more.
_ _After dinner, Dre left the SUV in the
parking lot and took my hand as we
walked along the quiet beach. With the
moon and seagulls as our only audience,
Dre started to talk. I learned that she was
twenty-five and was the middle child of
three, to a single mother who worked two
jobs. Or, I should say, she used to. Once
Dre got on her own feet, she made sure
that her mother, Lorelei, who was now
sickly, didn't have to work again. I asked
about her siblings. Her older sister,
www.QueerRamblings.com
Marlene, lived out in California and didn't
have much to do with the family anymore.
And her younger brother, Antoine, was still
in elementary school.
_ _"If I ever had a child, it would be
him. He's my heart." She confessed. "I
make sure he stays out of trouble so my
moms won't have to endure any more
shit."
_ _ I just nodded. "He's a problem?"
__ She shook her head. "Nah, just
stubborn that's all. A lot like me. But he
won't have the opportunities that I had, so
I look out for him."
_ _"Can't you just teach him what was
taught to you?"
_ _I could feel her stiffen. "He doesn't
need to know all that. Let's just say that
my opportunities aren't for everyone. As
long as he sticks with the books and goes
to college, he'll be alright."
_ _I knew when to stop prying, so I just
changed the subject. By the time we made
(Blind Love Continued on page I 2)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 11
e>Y DA\•I~ f. 'i>t,NDf,\Z-$
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a, are- 1cu1 ii~bame-d, of JnJ?
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{Blind Love Continued from page 11)
it back to the SUV, I felt more comfortable
in her company. Somehow, she managed
to open up a bit and let me get to know
QueerRarnblings issue 30, p. 12
l.ind'I- hn a&nilllled olio&ffr.rm<-e.
however ihe wai 'fOUr father dres1;es
hatre-d, vio\el'l(.e, and intolm1n<.e l>1~t
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who she was, without really telling too
much. And I respected that.
__ Dre had me back at the dorms before midnight. As I was getting out of the
SUV, she grabbed my hand.
_ _"I want to see
you again." She said
simply.
_ _"I'd like that."
_ _She leaned
forward and gently
kissed my lips, and I
felt my nipples
harden at the contact. With one kiss?
Damn.
__ "I'll call you."
She told me. I had
already given her
my number.
_ _I just nodded
as I closed the door.
As soon as she took
off, I lit a cigarette,
and slowly walked
back towards my
dorm. Something
about her was so
damn attractive yet
mysterious. I wasn't
sure what it was, but
I promised myself I
would soon.
_ _From that day
on, my life was total
chaos-but in a
good way. Shocking
my friends and my-
www.QueerRamblings.com
self, I ended up seeing Dre three more
times that week. Usually, I don't stick to
one person like that. I loved my freedom
and would just date people instead of
inching towards anything exclusive. And
spending a lot of time with one person may
give them the impression that having
something exclusive can be an option. But
for some reason I just really enjoyed the
time I spent with Dre. How I found the
time, I have no idea. Dre was supportive
though. One day, after my last class, I was
heading towards the library to do some
research. I had made plans with Dre earlier, but had to cancel them, because my
professor had thrown the class a curveball
of a last minute assignment. Dre had
sounded disappointed, but had understood. But as I turned the corner to walk
into the library, I saw her SUV parked out
front.
_ _Walking up to the vehicle, I met her
grin with a cynical smile. She was reclined
in her seat, and smoking a blunt of all
things-and in broad daylight. The girl was
crazy. "What are you doing here?"
_ _ She gave a big, dramatic sigh. "I
realized that I couldn't have you just drown
yourself in these musty books studying. No
fun for you and definitely no fun for me."
__ I shook my head as a I chuckled.
"Well, I DO have to study though."
__ She winked. "I know. But I got an
alternative. Hop in."
_ _Against my better judgment, I got in
beside her, snatching the blunt from her
and took my own puff, as she took off. She
{Blind Love Continued on page 13)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 12
(Continued from page 12)
drove me to her loft, which was on the
other side of town. And there, she let me
have free reign on her computer so I could
use the Internet and study. And while I
studied, she cooked dinner for us. And
even had the nerve to go over my research notes to critique them.
__ "And what makes you such an expert on this?" I asked as I cut into my
steak. Damn, she was good. It was like
cutting butter.
__ "Construction wasn't always my
dream, you know." She said as she made
a mark on my paper. "At one point, I actually wanted to be an English teacher."
__ "Well, why didn't you?"
_ _ She shrugged. "Things happen. It's
too late for me now, but at least you can
benefit from my expertise." Then she
winked.
__ Dre was a complete and utter mystery to me. Every time I swore she'd turn
right, she'd go left. A lot of things just
weren't adding up about her. Al first, I
thought she was just some regular Joe,
probably did a little petty crime stuff when
she was younger. She seemed to be like
all the other thugs from the neighborhood-cuz no offense, but male or female, almost all the thugs in our neighborhood
were similar. But then she would initiate
the most intellectual conversations that I
ever had, inside or outside of the classroom. I soon learned that Dre wasn't only
street smart, but book smart as well. On
my many visits to her loft, I found a lot of
English and French literature, poetry, and
sociology and psychology textbooks. I had
no doubt in my mind that she was as intelligent as each of my professors. But for
some reason, she just didn't apply what
she had to make herself better. Not that
she needed to, mind you. But it's not every
day that you meet a construction worker
that will debate with you for over two hours
on the accuracy of George Orwell's book,
"1984". I know professors who haven't
even read the book.
_ _Maybe it just wasn't that she was a
smart woman who still lived around the
ghetto that made her a mystery to me.
Maybe it was how she made me feel. For
the first time in my life, I actually found
myself wanting to spend time with someone ... romantically. As much as I loved
women , they could be complicated sometimes. And
while I was in school, I didn't
want to get distracted with
relationships. Let's go on a
date, have fun, and heck, if
we end up in bed, all the
more better--but definitely
nothing more than that. I saw
Anya's many attempts, and I
just decided I would wait
until I was somewhat settled
in my career before I would
go that route.
_ _But Dre just had me
feeling differently. When I
was with her, I felt like a
princess. She made me feel
alive, important, special, and
down right sexy. Through
her eyes, I saw life a different way. Life wasn't always
the pretty peaches that my parents had
tried to make it be. Life could be cold and
heartless. But if you were strong enough,
you could survive ii. And Dre had accomplished that, and it just made me admire
her all the more. And when I wasn't with
her, I felt empty, sad, and so damn alone. I
found myself thinking about her when she
wasn't around. Wondering what she was
doing, who she was with, if she was thinking about me. I would actually be counting
the days until I could see that damn smile
again. Hell, if I didn't know better, I'd think I
was really beginning to really like this
woman.
_ _And what was even stranger was
the fact that I wouldn't let her touch me.
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 13
OUT T\-\f,{l..£,
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,
(Blind Love Continued from page 13)
Not that I'm easy, but usually if I'm on a
third or fourth date with a woman, we've
already slept together. But for some reason, I couldn't go to that level with Dre yet.
Not to say that she hasn't tried. Oh, no,
Dre can be the most creative person when
it comes to trying to get into a woman's
panties. She was epitome of sensuality.
With just one look, that woman could make
me wet my panties, no lie. And when she
kisses, you feel like you feel like you feel
like you're flying. Every moment is like
gliding on air, feeling the rush wash over
your entire body and you become lightheaded. And there's this edge of danger
that teases your lips, tingling your senses,
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 14
right down to your very toes.
_ _And I amaze myself every single
night that I'm able to deny her. And Dre
always gives this cute, sad puppy look
when she realizes that I'm serious.
_ _"You are a wicked tease." She said
to me one time. "How can you expect me
to remember you're a lady, when you walk
the way that you do? Girl, have you ever
seen your ass? It's a sin itself to want me
to not touch you."
_ _I smiled. "You better try your best."
_ _"You're gonna give in you know. I
can see it in your eyes. You want me as
much as I want you."
_ _I kissed the tip of her nose. "When
the time is right. I promise."
__And she always relented
and never pressured me. I
think, in a way, she loved the
teasing as well. And I had to
admit, I never thought about it
before, but teasing can be a
beautiful thing when you adore
the person.
_ _When my graduation
came around, it was a pretty
much done deal that Dre and I
,. were becoming quite an item. I
was spending most of my time
between school, studying, and
Dre. I wasn't able to really find
•. time for other things.
_ _First, let me say that I
should have seen it coming.
Anyone who has a close friend
should see it coming. Especially if you live with her. You
can't just spend the majority of
your time with someone new
and not have it affect the per-
www.QueerRamblings.com
son you used to spend all your time with.
Yes, I'll admit it; I was an idiot.
_ _ It was a little past midnight, and I
had just walked in from another date with
Dre. I was still a little high, and I could hear
my bed calling for me. I found Anya on her
bed, watching television. When she saw
me, she rolled her eyes.
_ _"Oh, you finally decided to come
home?"
_ _Aw, shit, not now. "What's wrong?"
_ _"What's wrong?" She sat up, crossing her arms under her breasts. "Hello,
Astoria. Do you remember me? Anya
Townsend, your roommate, best friend,
future travel partner for next week. Does
any of this ring a bell?"
_ _ "Yes, yes, yes, what's going on?"
Why, why, why? Anya knew me. She knew
I was high, why mess with someone while
they're high? That's just cruel.
_ _"Astoria, I hardly see you anymore!
You're never around, you run from your
classes straight to wherever, and you
spend all of your free time with Dre •
_ _"So that's it. You think I'm spending
too much time with Dre and not enough
time with you."
_ _"Well, duh!" She cried. "What do you
need, a rock to fall on your head or something?"
_ _I rolled my eyes. "Give me a break,
Anya. Whenever you get serious about
some guy, you're MIA as well."
_ _Anya got to her feet. "This is different. Dre is different."
_ _"And why is that? Why is Dre so
different from the guys you date, except for
the obvious."
_ _ "I just don't trust her, that's all." Anya
(Blind Love Continued on page 15)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 14
_ _"Believe me,
I'm using the right
words." She started
to pace. "Are you
gonna stand there
and tell me that you
don't realize who
Dre is?"
_ _"Besides a
human being, I'm at
a loss."
_ _"Come on,
Astoria! What construction worker do
you know can afford
a brand fucking new
Cadillac Escalade
and a Cadillac Deville in the same
year? Do you see
the clothes she
wears? Or how
about her jewelry?
When was the last
time you saw a
construction worker
wearing iced-out
platinum?"
_ _"So she has
expensive tastes,
that doesn't mean
anything. Some
people do save
money for the things
they really want, you
know? And construction workers
can make good
money."
_ _Anya shook
her head as she
opened a window.
She sat in the chair
before it, and lit a
cigarette. •Astoria,
you are so blinded. I
seriously thought
that you were just
gonna mess around
with her for a little bit
then let her go like
(Blind Love Continued from page 14)
_ _"Independent." Anya muttered.
you do the others. That's why I didn't say
said. "Listen, there are a lot of people you "Yeah, whatever."
anything to you before. But for some reacan hook up with. Why does it have to be _ _My eyes narrowed as I glared at her. son, it's like you don't see what's in front of
her?"
"And what does that mean?"
you, and you're actually interested in her."
__ Now, I was getting upset. "Why not _ _ "Are you a complete idiot or what?" __•Jesus, Anya. Stop with the games
her? Anya, Dre is a wonderful person. I
_ _I could feel my blood starting to boil. and just talk. What is it about Dre that you
like being with her. She's fun, caring, intel- Oh yeah, I had definitely sobered up now. don't like."
ligent, and independent. What more can I "Be careful of the words you use." I said
__ "She's a fucking dealer, Astoria! She
ask?"
(Blind Love Continued on page 16)
through clenched teeth.
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 15
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 15
(Blind Love Continued from page
15)
sells trees."
_ _I just stared at her. "What
do you mean? She sells a little
weed?" I chuckled. "Who fucking
doesn't? Didn't you date Danny?
Isn't Danny one of the people you
buy from? Anya, you yourself sell
weed when we go to the club
sometimes, it's no big deal."
_ _Anya shook her head.
"Danny can't even compare to
Dre. Not even in his wildest
dreams can he compare to Dre."
_ _ I sat on my bed slowly.
"What do you know?" .
_ _ She sighed. "Dre is big. How big, I
don't know, but big enough that she's one
of the biggest suppliers in this city. She's
top shit around here. It's a fucking chain of
command, Astoria, and she's on top. She
got mad heads underneath her. She deals
with various heads, who deal to other
people, who deal to other people. Shit, that
last person supplies to all the small assholes we get our shit from, even Danny."
_ _ "How do you know all this?"
_ _ She sighed. "Danny. I was curious
about how he got started and he told me."
She gave me a pointed look. "But none of
what I say to you can ever leave this room,
okay? He was an idiot for telling me in the
first place, and the only reason I'm telling
you is so you can smarten up."
_ _ I just nodded absentmindedly.
_ _"Honey, that's why I broke it off with
Danny. He was getting to be too much for
me. When you end up dealing so much
Dre.
_ _I didn't waste any time. Not
my style. The next day, I jumped
the gun and took the bus over to
Dre's loft. Graduation was the
next day, I obviously had no
classes and Dre was supposed to
be at work. I don't know what I
, was planning on doing when I got
there. I knew that if Dre truly
wasn't home, I wanted to be there
when she arrived after work. I
didn't want to play any games, I
wanted straight answers.
_ ___;..,___ __ I walked into the lobby of
the building, and took the elevator
that you're actually making some money
up to the top floor. As soon as I stepped
from it, that's when you get hot. Most just out of the elevator, Dre's door opened and
do it so they can smoke for free. Danny's
she stood in the doorway, wearing a tank,
talking about buying a Jetta. Cash. This
boxer shorts, and a robe, smoking a cigatime last year, I had to pay for dinner if I
rette.
wanted to eat out with him."
__"How did you know I was here?" I
_ _ I didn't know what to say. It didn't
asked.
seem possible to me. I mean, if Dre sold
_ _"I could ask you the same thing."
weed, who cared? I smoked weed, so hell- She countered; her voice still had traces of
--perfect relationship right there. But if she sleep.
was as big as Anya said she was it meant _ _ "Can I come in?" I asked.
she could be trouble.
__ She nodded and stepped aside,
__ "I'm not saying she's a bad person." letting me inside. Out of nervousness, I lit
Anya finally said. "Just that I think you're
my own cigarette before I even sat on the
getting in over your head here, that's all.
sofa.
Hell, honey, you may be tough, but deep
__ Dre walked over to the bar that
down you're as innocent as they come. It's separated the kitchen from the living room
too dangerous."
area. I watched her pour a drink. "You
_ _I just nodded, feeling my eyes begonna tell me what's up?"
ginning to water. I wasn't sure what hurt
__"What makes you think something's
most: the fact that Dre didn't even hint
up?" I asked her. My hands were getting
anything about this to me, or the fact that clammy. Why in the blue hell do I get so
(Blind Love Continued on page 17)
Anya was right and I'd have to stop seeing
OUT l l-\EF-£
~ DI-,\'\';, ... ~NQf~~
PAf:>A.MOON
t don't c.ari if I
1.pontane.ous\1 Gombmt;t
t want m1 ma\loma~!
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 16
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 16
nervous around her?
__"It's almost nine in the morning on
the day before you graduate college. You
have no classes, no appointments, and
you're awake and here on your own." She
downed the shot quickly. "So something's
up."
__ "Do you deal?" I decided to just
come out with it.
__ Dre just stared al me calmly for a
moment, then she ran her fingers through
her braids and sighed. She grabbed another glass, then poured some of the amber liquid into both. She brought the
what I am. This is the only way I knew how
to be successful, and it's worked for me,
and I'm cool with it."
_ _"Don't you want better?" I asked.
"Dre, you are an intelligent woman. You
are so damn talented, why don't you just
do something else?"
__"I ain't gonna change, baby." She
said softly. "Now, I've gone through this
conversation with my mother, and I know
how it turns out. I made my choice a long
time ago, and I'm not changing my mind.
So before you start a whole speech or
something, just save it, please."
__ I stiffened. "Fine.• I got to my feel,
glasses into the living room area, handed
me a glass, then sat down in the easy
chair opposite me.
__ "I haven't known you for very long,"
She began, "but I know that you're the kind
of woman I'd want in my life. I pride myself
on being able to know and surround myself with people I can trust That's how I've
been able to survive this long. I've had to
make a lot of sacrifices in my life. But I
have only one goal that keeps me going.
And that's to make sure that my moms, my
little brother, and I can make it. By any
means necessary. No apologies. I am
setting the glass on the coffee table.
"You've made your choice, and I'm making
mine."
_ _I made ii all the way to the front door
praying she wouldn't say anything. Just
stay silent Dre, and let me walk out the
door, out of your life, and out of any
chance of heart ache I know I'd endure in
the future with you. But as soon as my
hand touched the knob, I heard her slam
the glass on the table.
_ _"I don't get to trust that many people
in my life, Astoria." Her voice was shaking.
"And I've never met someone that I
(Blind Love Continued from page 16)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 17
www.QueerRamblings.com
wanted to trust. I mean really trust. I want
to trust you."
__ I didn't say anything.
__"You wanna hear me say it, Astoria?
That I want you in my life? That I need you
in my life? That as soon as I first lay eyes
on you in that car, I saw how beautiful you
were. And not just because you're attractive, but the person that you are. Baby,
you got this way about you that just hypnotizes me. The way you look at me is like
catching me in this web, and all I want to
do is just hold you, be with you, and take
care of you. I can't force you to be with
me, but I want you to. I've never wanted
someone in my life like this
before, and I do. And it's
you."
__ "And what am I supposed to do? Just ignore ii?"
I asked, still facing the
door, feeling a tear run
down my cheek at her
words. A woman always
wants to hear those words.
And damn her for saying
them before my big exit.
_ _"No. But I want you to
accept me. See me, just Dre,
for who I am. Not what I do."
_ _ Not fair. Not fucking
fair. I hardly knew her. Barely
a fucking month. No fucking
fair that she was able to get
to me like this. No fucking
fair that I could feel this
deeply for her so soon. "You
should have told me."
_ _"I'm not perfect. I
never pretended that I was.
But it's not like I could just
tell you something like that. I
can't just let anyone know
what I do."
_ _I didn't say anything. I
just stared at that door telling
myself to open it. Ordering myself actually.
Just walk out. It's for the best. Anya was
right. This was dangerous territory that I
had absolutely no business in. Astoria, just
walk out that door and don't look back.
_ _I then heard her sigh. And it
sounded so defeated.
_ _Damn, damn, damn.
I don't know what came over me.
But for some reason I turned around and
just looked at her. And for the first time, I
really got to see her. I got to see just how
alone she was. How beaten she looked.
(Blind Love Continued on page 18)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 17
(Blind Love Continued from page I 7)
She wasn't always the tough Dre that she
shows everyone. Right now, she was vulnerable. This was the same woman who
stayed up late to help me write papers,
who listened to me while I worried, who
always seemed to magically be there for
me whenever I called.
_ _And against every voice in my head
that spoke, I walked over to Dre and took
the glass out of her hand. She looked up
at me, just as I lowered myself onto her lap
and placed my arm around her neck.
_ _"I see you." I said softly. "And I ain't
going anywhere."
_ _ Dre wrapped her arms around my
waist and held me tightly, as I felt her body
shake. For the first time in my life, I
watched her cry. She buried her face in my
chest and just cried. I stayed silent and
just held her feeling the tears run freely
down my face as well. I kissed the top of
her head and just closed my eyes. I didn't
know what I was getting myself into, but
my heart was telling me that I needed to
be with her. And for the first time, I was
going to listen. She needed me. And
maybe I needed her too, who knows. But
for some reason we were being pulled
towards each other. And in my heart, this
felt right.
_ _ Dre tipped her head back and
looked at me through her tears.
_ _ "It's too soon, I know. But I feel like I
love you, girl."
_ _ I just nodded. "I feel the same way."
_ _ Our eyes met and it was as if lightening struck. God, it's a sin for someone to
have eyes like that. I could see the need
and lust in her eyes and I knew that she
wanted me. And when her lips touched
mine, I could feel myself start to take flight.
But this time was different. I had this urge
to be as close to her as possible. Damn,
this was it. This was the moment I was
waiting for. I placed her hand over my
breast, and when she pulled her head
back and our eyes met again, I just nodded.
_ _ I let her stand me up, and felt her
hands unbuttoning my dress, and I found
my own hands pulling her tank and shorts
off. I had never had this urgency before.
This need to be touched, to be kissed, to
be caressed. Every time Dre's fingers
touched my skin, it felt like an erotic bum.
We somehow managed to fall onto the
sofa, kissing so hard, my lips felt like they
were going to bruise.
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 18
"imp" by "Jeanine & Ange~
_ _ Dre slid down to the floor, pulling me
to the edge of the sofa as she spread my
legs. She leaned forward kissing my lips
again and I wrapped my legs around her
waist, pulling her close to me.
_ _ Her lips found my neck, and I
moaned at the exquisite feel of it. I was
running my fingers through her braids,
realizing just how wet I was, and how wet I
was making her sofa. Her lips left my neck,
trailing down my chest, until she met one
of my nipples. She let her tongue snake
out and gave my nipple a slow lick. She
then sucked it into her mouth, holding it
www.QueerRamblings.com
gently between her teeth as she gave it
fast licks with the tip of her tongue, making
me moan loudly.
_ _"I want it." She whispered huskily.
"Now."
_ _I sat up, ready to kiss her, but she
pushed me back. She pulled herself away
from me, raising my legs even higher,
resting them on her shoulders. Then she
slid her hands under my ass, getting a
good grip, then she literally lifted my ass
up and off the sofa until my pussy was at
her level. I was only touching the sofa by
(Blind Love Continued on page I 9)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 18
(Blind Love Continued from page 18)
my upper back, but I didn't panic, because
she had a good grip on me. Then I felt her
mouth on my pussy and I just sighed. She
literally devoured me. Her nails digging
into my flesh, I felt her tongue slide deep
into me, and I cried out. She was being so
aggressive with me, at first I thought I
should stop her, but my better half just told
meto enjoy.
__And did I ever. The entire morning
she had me calling out her name. We
made love, then fell away exhausted. At
some point, I realized I was thirsty and had
walked to the kitchen to fetch us some
drinks, when I felt Dre come up behind me
and her lips kissing the back of my shoulders. I felt her hand on my shoulder,
pressing me down, and I bent forward till
my breasts lay on the counter before me.
Then I heard her drop to her knees behind
me, spreading my legs wide, and her fingers were swiftly inside me, filling me. God
this was fucking amazing.
__ "Wider." She said, forcing my legs
even farther apart. Then I felt her lips on
me, and I just closed my eyes relishing in
the feel of this. I never knew that sex could
feel this good.
__ I reached out to grab the other end
of the counter for leverage when I felt Dre
stand behind me. Her hands grasped my
hips, and I felt something being pushed
inside of me.
__"Oh, shit" I moaned.
__ "You like that baby?" She whispered
in my ear. I felt her pull her toy out of me
partway, then push back inside making me
moan again.
_ _"Yes."
__"I can't hear you."
_ _"Yes!"
__ Dre pulled out of me, quickly spun
me around and lifted me on top of the
counter. Just as quickly, she was back
between my legs, and inside me.
__ "I need you." Her breathless voice
said before kissing my neck. I wrapped my
legs around her waist, gripping her back. "I
need you with me."
_I was gasping with every thrust. "Dre •
__She was moving her hips faster, and
I could feel the power in her as she made
love to me. This was not to be a gentle
fucking. I held onto her as tightly as I could
as she pounded into me. Never had I
thought such roughness could feel so
good.
_ _ Dre's lips found my neck, and I felt
her teeth sink into my skin and I moaned
so loud. Suddenly she lifted me away
from the counter, and was supporting me
on her own, practically impaling me. I
was about to cum and I knew it. My nails
were digging into her skin, and I was
biting so hard on my bottom lip I was
probably drawing blood. Everything soon
went hot white as this catastrophic feeling seized my body, and I went rigid. Dre
continued to fuck me hard until I heard
her moaning my name loudly. We
gripped each other, gasping for breath,
until she started to slow down.
_ _ I don't know where she found the
strength, because after an orgasm, I'm
sometimes dead to the world. But with
my legs still around her, Dre carried me
down the hall to her bedroom, where we
fell asleep in each other's arms.
_ _The last thing that Dre whispered to
me before I fell asleep was, "Never leave
me"
_ _And I answered back. "Never."
_ _Was it love? I don't know. No one
has ever been able to explain to me what
love was. Everyone has his or her own
idea or theory, but no one can really pinpoint the exact emotion that love is. Everyone says you'll know when you're in it. And
I honestly felt that whatever it was that I
felt for Dre had to be love. Or at least,
damn near it. I hope it was. Because it
helped propel me to do the unthinkable.
************
(Blind Love Continued on page 20)
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 19
www.QueerRamblings.com
\
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 19
(Blind Love Continued from page I 9)
_ _Guilty, guilty, guilty.
_ _That word will always haunt my
mind. I can close my eyes and just see the
word permanently imprinted. When you
hear that word, and know that it's being
said about you, you can only
hope that you deserve it. I'm
serious. You should only
hear that word if you were
actually guilty. But I wasn't. I
was innocent. But like a fool,
I lied and said that I was. All
for the sake of love. To protect the woman I loved. A
woman who, by all means,
was supposed to be off
limits. But something kept
drawing me to her. Maybe it
was the danger; maybe it
was the excitement of the
unknown, I don't know. But
all I know was that the day I
finally made love to her
nothing was the same again.
_ _ The day of my
graduation was a big one.
My parents were beaming of
course, and when they met
Dre (who I introduced as
Andrea--her real name),
they were charmed by her
just as I was. My father had
loudly echoed my own
thoughts, wondering why
such an intelligent woman
settled for construction, but Dre had just
told him that she had followed her heart
and she made good money. And that was
enough reason for him.
_ _ Watching my baby was amazing.
How she complimented and fawned over
my mother, and how she held competitive,
political discussions with my father. She
was a multi-faceted woman, and even
though I fell for who I already knew she
was, realization hit me that there was definitely more to her that I had to learn.
_ _ "I cannot believe you're still with
her." Anya walked up beside me, while I
watched Dre explain a building structure to
my father. My mother was talking to one of
the other mothers not to far away. Anya
had already taken off her cap and gown.
HELP HER CARRY ON , "Didn't you talk to her?"
,_~--!ii""'"--- • _ _"I did talk to her." I said.
_ _"And?"
_ _I turned to look at her. "I don't
know, Anya. I'm not saying that you're
wrong. I'm probably in over my head.
But I care for her deeply. And I want to
be with her."
_ _ "Are you out of your mind?" She
grabbed my arm and pulled me towards
a tree and away from listening ears.
"Astoria, you cannot stay with this
woman. You are not realizing what kind
of person she is "
_ _•Anya!" Dre called as she walked
NATIONAL LEAGUE towards us. She slipped her arm around
farWOMANS SERVICE my waist and smiled. "What are you and
my girl gossiping about?"
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 20
www.QueerRamblings.com
_ _ "Nothing, baby." I gave Anya a
warning look before returning Dre's smile.
"We're talking about Jamaica, that's all."
_ _"Yeah. Jamaica." Anya took a step
back. "Don't forget, we leave tomorrow,
bright and early. I know you'll want to
spend the evening with
Dre and your family, so
I'll see you back at the
dorms later, okay?"
_ _ I just nodded.
_ _ Anya nervously
smiled at Dre, and then
walked away.
__ Dre kissed my
forehead. "She's the one
that told you about me,
huh?"
__ I immediately
stiffened, not knowing
what to say. Think fast,
think fast. "She's just
worried that I don't know
what I'm getting myself
into, that's all. She's my
best friend, she cares
about me."
Dre forced me to
look her in the eye. "I
won't let anything happen to you. You got my
word. I will take care of
you and protect you. I
swear."
_ _ I smiled. "I know,
_ __. baby. And she'll realize
that soon too. Don't worry. By the time we
come back from Jamaica, she'll be head
over heels for you, almost as much as I
am."
_ _Dre chuckled before kissing me
again. But I could see the look of worry in
her eyes. I knew what she was thinking. If
Anya went off the handle, she could screw
Dre over. And I couldn't let that happen. I
had to get Anya to at least see my side on
this, even if she didn't fully support it.
_ _But Anya had surprised me as soon
I walked into our room that night.
_ _"Listen, don't say anything until
you've heard me out, ok?"
__ I just nodded as I sat on my bed.
__ "I'm not gonna lie. My gut instincts
tell me you are making the biggest mistake
of your life. But I know that love can be
blind, so I'm not going to start a war with
you on this." She lit a cigarette and sighed.
"I talked to Danny for some advice. And
word is that Dre never really had a girl
(Blind Love Continued on page 21)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 20
(Blind Love Continued from page 20)
before. I mean, she dated and shit, but she
never got serious with anyone. He said
that if Dre's serious about you, it's gotta be
a good thing. And maybe he's right. I don't
have all the answers. But maybe you're
supposed to be her savior or something
her conscience, who knows? But I just
want you to keep your eyes open and be
careful, alright?'
__I nodded. "Alright."
__Anya rolled her eyes. "We're girls, I
got your back on this. Don't worry."
__I just laughed and jumped on top of
her, hugging her tightly. "You'll see. Dre is
going to be the best thing that's ever happened to me." And I truly did believe it.
God, what an idiot I was. I had no idea
what was in store for me.
__ But first, the vacation. Jamaica was
the shit! Oh my god. Let me stop to say
that if you are not a skeleton thin woman,
your ass needs to go to Jamaica. Even if
you're not into men, you'll appreciate how
much they appreciate a thick woman.
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 21
Anya and I couldn't go anywhere without
being whistled or hollered at. And the
clubs were off the hook! Our very first night
in Kingston, we went to the Cactus Club,
and danced until we were positively exhausted and drunk off our asses. Every
night we partied in some form or fashion.
And faithfully, every night, I'd call Dre to let
her know I was okay. She always sounded
extremely busy, but made time to speak to
me, telling whomever she was with to
come back later.
__"I hope you're having a great time
and not thinking about me." She said. It
was my third night there, and I was alone
in our hotel room .
.- - "How can I not think about you? I
can't wait to be in your arms again." I said
honestly.
__ "Nah, live it up, alright? You'll never
know when you'll have this chance again."
_ _ "Yes, ma'am." I said giggling. •can
you tell I'm high as a kite?"
_ _ "If you were in Jamaica and weren't,
I'd be kicking your ass as soon as you got
www.QueerRamblings.com
home."
_ _"Yeah, yeah, yeah ." I yawned.
"Mmm, I think it's past my bedtime."
_ _"Why aren't you out anyway? I'm
surprised Anya's letting ya'II stay in."
__"Anya has a date."
__ Dre chuckled. "Are you serious?"
__"For real. We were at the beach this
morning, and she met up with some guy."
__"Your girl doesn't waste any time,
does she?"
__•Anya? Please. When it comes to
dick, she's right on time."
_ _And to prove my point, when Anya
did finally walk into our hotel room at almost three in the morning, she had this
glazed look in her eyes as she carefully
walked to her bed.
__ "You ok?" I asked. She was taking
the most careful steps as if she was drunk,
but I knew she wasn't.
__"Girl, I don't even know." She
flopped down on her bed. "I don't even
know how I walked here."
(Blind Love Continued on page 22)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 21
(Blind Love Continued from page 21)
_ _ I laughed. "Was it that good?"
_ _"Good?" She asked me. "Shit, why
did I sit, I need to pee. Hell yeah, it was
good. Oh my God, that boy had me
screaming, do you hear me? SCREAMING." She got back to her feet and started
for the bathroom. "Every woman should try
Jamaican dick, that's all I gotta say. You'll
never be the same afterwards. It should be
mandatory for every fucking woman to
fuck a Jamaican dick."
_ _I laughed.
_ _"Well, in your case it's different."
She walked into the bathroom. "Maybe
they make straps here or something. Goddamn, if it's Jamaican made, it's gotta be
good. We'll find your ass a genuine Rastafarian-made dildo or something to take
back to Dre. Goddamn, my legs are sore."
Then she closed the door, leaving me
laughing so hard I fell off the bed.
_ _ By the time we got back to the
states, I was refreshed and ready to take
on the world. Anya and I settled into our
new apartment, and I was ready to start
my career.
_ _When I finally started my job, I was
thrust into this fast-paced, competitive
world that really took me for a loop. I had
interned at the company during my senior
year, but the four months of my internship
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 22
couldn't have prepared me for all the responsibilities I'd have. But I loved it. I was
in my element, being creative, sharing my
ideas and designs, and being mentored by
some extremely talented people. Every
time I rose for work in the morning, I literally jumped out of bed, not being able to
wait to start my day.
_ _ Dre was a big driving force behind
me. Many nights, I'd be at her place
sketching while she handled her own business. She'd walk by me, look over my
shoulder, and suggest a change here, a
different cut there, or the use of a possible
fabric. And I had to admit that she did have
good taste and ideas. One day, I walked
into her loft, and found about a dozen bolts
of fabric and a sewing machine in the
room she let me draw in when I needed
quiet. She had just smiled and told me that
I needed to start putting what was on paper, on actual people. It made me work
even harder. I was producing sketches for
my job, and also some that I kept for myself and actually making into garments.
Pretty soon, what I was designing, I was
wearing while I went out with Dre.
_ _ She totally loved showing me off. I
wasn't like the other girlfriends or wives of
the friends she had or the people she did
business with. As chicky as I could be, I
could still watch the game with them, and
www.QueerRamblings.com
understand what was going on. I could
actually participate in a lot of the conversations they had, while the other women
would just sit and talk about the latest
music video or their favorite celebrities. I
could tell on instant, that I wasn't really
accepted by these women. They made me
feel like an outsider, and I had to admit
that I was in a way. I didn't come from their
neighborhood, I didn't know any of them,
and I definitely wasn't used to this kind of
life. I really wasn't like them, but I definitely
wasn't losing sleep over it. But when those
girls found out that I designed, all of a
sudden I was their best friend. They saw
the clothes I wore, and immediately
wanted variations for themselves. And
even though I was initially against it, out of
spite for those two-faced vultures, Dre
insisted that I do it for them. Not only
would it help keep The Bitches-as she
called them, not !--happy, but it gave me
exposure on my own, since the designs I
did for my job were under the name of the
fashion house label. And, as usual, Dre
was right, and I knew it. No matter where I
turned, she always seemed to be looking
out for me, and it was a comforting feeling.
_ _She was slowty starting to let me
into her world. Little by little, she was hiding less and less from me. I learned to
(Blind Love Continued on page 25)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 22
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 23
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 23
Even when I was with someone else
And you was with someone else
And we both placed our seeds of "what ifs" on the shelf
But loving you gave me so much wealth
Now I feel impoverished and torn down
Or rather broken down again
Remaining your friend
Remaining
See I'm too strong to be this weak
Carrying that chain /chain/chain
But you have this amazing power over me
It's true
I'm defeated before I even get the strength to fight
I still do
And I haven't been the same since the first time ever I
What I gotta do
saw your face
Planning a future for me
And you held me tightly in your arms
Moving past your wife and kids fantasy
I'm alarmed
At the fact that after your ex and my ex
But the way you talk to me about those things at times
and misplaced feelings and
makes me confused
I'm skipping down this rainbow
hate
colored road
I am still feeling you
moving ahead trying to live in the
feeling me
present
But you can 't fill that void
My friends say you and I have
that was created the first
this sick obsession
time we separated
But in every emotion I learned a
and I hate the fact that my
lesson
mouth jump started my emoAnd I do need you .. .
tions
But I also need you to grow up
Cause now I'm engulfed in
some tropical ocean
And you need me to trust
I need you to push aside your
Drifting
pride and fears
Sifting through the ravished
And you need me to be satisfied
ships of relations
with what we have here
Hesitation
At th is moment
Depreciation
But at times it feels like it's stolen
Old sensations
How deep is my love?
Empty promises
You have no comprehension
Unfulfilled
Not to mention
I can't feel those actions
Your intervention is vvhat i need
Thoughts of the a picture
perfect future can't bring me
Before I go off and conquer the
Lovelybrown, aka A. Hamilton is a poet and
world and become a "world resatisfaction
nowned, diva, poetic justice InSo I harvest my tears, pain
writer born under the sign of Scorpio. She
and anger
dependent Lady"
writes as a form of mental therapy. Currently
Cause loving you is bitter
But my house is not complete
residing in the Neo-Negro Metropolitan of
sweet
without you
Atlanta, GA/Self proclaimed gay capitol of
At times I HAVE to retreat
But
damn
I'm
too
strong
to be this
the New South. She is 27, single and happy to
Cause I get so weak
weak
be alive. She is currently working on a book
But I'm to strong
But the way that you love me
of poetry entitled, Phases. Please feel free to
Don't get me wrong ... cause
Makes me believe in
contact
her at lovelybrown_75@yahoo.com.
it's not like I'm trying to purge
what under any other circummyself of these feel ings
stance would be abnormal
But I can't keep feeling like this
and unhealthy
I keep singing "Maybe come one day"
We never had the chance to be
Wanting to be your baby
And you're probably the one factor that can make my
Feeling like your lady
equation complete
But our intentions are never on the same page, the
And speaking on love has no real validity
copy has faded and the storyline is shady
without the mention of your name
and a bit to small to read
And I only have my heart to blame
But damn
Loving you is a gift and a curse that I can 't explain
Damn ... I'm too strong to be this weak. *********
It's for you I've breathed
Too Strong
to Be This Weak
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 24
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 24
(Blind Love Continued from page 22)
never question anything that she did. Dre
knew what was best for her, and I just tried
to fit my time in with hers. When she had
to go out of town for a few days, I just
made sure that she ate before she left,
and went shopping and stocked her fridge
while she was gone. And through my busy
schedule, I tried to be available whenever
she needed me. I noticed that around the
end of every month, Dre always took a
three-day vacation. She always looked a
little tense before she left, but would come
back calm as ever. Those days before she
left, I would try to be as upbeat as I could,
making her laugh, trying to get her mind off
of business. And every time she'd look at
me and give me that smirk, I knew I was
doing right.
__ There were days I wouldn't see Dre
at all, and since I was so immersed in my
job, I didn't really take that much notice.
Not until she'd call me up out of the blue,
and take me out for a romantic dinner at
Nina's (which soon became my favourite
place in the world), or to just spend a lazy
evening in just talking or making love.
__ Day after day, I was getting used to
my life with Dre and I think vice-versa. I
soon realized that Dre wasn't really used
to having a girlfriend. She never had to
really share her life with anyone on a personal level outside of her family. I knew
that the girls she dated before me didn't
really take the time to know her and her
family. And, of course, I had to be different. Around the time of our fifth month
together, I finally asked Dre if I could meet
her mother and brother. The look on her
face totally threw me. What I saw was fear.
__ "You want to meet my family?" She
asked.
_ _ I nodded. "Shouldn't I want to?"
_ _ She shrugged. "I'm just protective,
that's all." And we left it at that.
_ _ I soon realized how protective over
her family she truly was. Her mother and
brother had absolutely no clue as to what
she did. They lived a few cities away, and
we took a day and drove up to see them.
As soon as I met her mother, I realized
why Dre felt the need to take care of her.
Lorelei Walker was sick with breast cancer. Around the time she found out her
diagnosis, was around the same time that
Dre had moved out. At first it sounded odd
to me, but then I put two and two together,
and realized that Dre truly did start dealing
once she realized how sick her mother
was. As soon as she could, Dre talked her
mother out of working and concentrating
on getting herself better, while Dre footed
the bills for both her and her younger
brother. Dre had bought the house they
lived in, under the same pretense that it
was rundown and she had fixed it up first
before they moved in. She had even set
up a bank account for Lorelei and Antoine,
so they never had to worry about money.
As long as Dre was careful and never got
(Blind Love Continued on page 26)
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 25
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(Blind Love Continued from page 25)
caught, her family would be okay. I realized how much pressure Dre had on her
shoulders, and that only made me love her
more.
_ _I was now becoming more and more
involved in Dre's life. I had my own little
routine. Usually I spent most nights working at home, but every Wednesday and
Sunday, I'd spend the evening with Lorelei, helping her with this and that, but
mostly to just keep her company. She was
a wonderful woman, always positive, regardless of the diagnosis that her doctors
gave her. She had been through treatments off and on, and had to have a double mastectomy. But she was the typical
strong black mother. She kept after Antoine, making sure he was a good
student, and, I suspected, worried
about Dre more than she cared to
admit. But she seemed to always
have a smile on, despite whatever
happened. And Antoine was adorable. At twelve, he thought he
knew everything, but truly was a
sweet boy. He and I got along
well. We were both into video
games, so Dre and Lorelei would
often find us zoned out playing his
Playstation. Every day I spent
with him, I found myself becoming more
and more attached to him. It got to a point
that whenever I'd come around, he'd
spend every possible moment with me.
_ _"You love my sister?" He asked me
out of the blue one day.
_ _"Yes. I do." I said simply.
_ _ "And she loves you?"
_ _"I believe so, yes." I didn't know
where this was leading, so I wanted to be
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 26
careful with my answers.
_ _ He thought it over for a moment
then said, "Good. Cuz I love you too.
You're cool." Then he went back to his
homework, leaving me in surprised shock
at his frankness, but welcoming the kind of
innocent honesty that only children can
give.
_ _ If I ever had a son, I hoped he would
be like Antoine. He was so inquisitive and
sweet; I just generally enjoyed spending
time with him. I could tell that Dre's idea of
them moving out to the suburbs was a
good one. Antoine was a happy, carefree,
easygoing kid with hardly any worries. Not
like a lot of the kids I knew that lived in our
area, who looked like they lived their lives
like they were ready for war.
_ _And I think that's when
Dre realized I was here to
stay. When our relationship
first started getting serious, I
had this feeling of being
watched, as if I was being
tested somehow. And
slowly, the further our relationship went I noticed little
things happening. The first
thing to happen? Dre gave
me a copy of the keys to the
loft. Now, let me pause for a
moment to explain something. Always be
on the alert when your girt gives you the
key to her place. It almost never means
that she trusts you. It means that she is
testing you. Now you have the freedom of
being able to walk in and out of her domain without her help. Most women will be
stupid and take it as an invitation to spend
even more time at their place. Never,
never start just showing up out of the blue.
www.QueerRambiings.com
One, it means that you're overstepping
your boundaries, and two, your girt will
think you don't trust her.
__ So when Dre gave me the keys to
her place, I just graciously took them,
added them onto my key ring, and
promptly forgot about them. Half the time,
Dre had to remind me that I had the keys
and I could just let myself in if I wanted to
come by, which I would do--but after
clearing it with her first. And I still never
came over without her knowing about it
ahead of time. If I knew she wasn't going
to be there, my ass would be tracking her
down first to call and let her know I wanted
to come by her place. And I always made
sure to never touch her things. I had my
own business to worry about. When I was
there, it was either to sew or to meet her.
No reason for me to start snooping just
because she wasn't there-another mistake a lot of women make once they get
that key. Eventually, about two months
after she gave me the keys, Dre had to sit
me down and let me know that it was okay
for me to come and go as I pleased. That
she trusted me, and it was fine.
_ _I passed.
_ _ Next thing to happen? She left a roll
of money on kitchen counter. I'm not stupid, I know my baby. She does not accidentally forget a roll of bills. And even if
she did, I'm not stupid. I promptly called
her on her cell and just let her know. She
did it twice actually. The second time, it
was a few hundred-dollar bills on the coffee table. I decided not to even call her. I
just sat in the living room and just watched
television. When she came home, she
gave me a kiss, then saw the money on
(Blind Love Continued on page 27)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 26
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(Blind Love Continued from page 26)
the table.
__ 'Why didn't you take it, baby? I left it
for you."
_ _ I just shrugged. "It's not mine, I'm
not gonna touch it. Next time, leave me a
note or message." You go, girl.
_ _ Passed again.
__ Next. She went for the big guns.
She left weed in the bedroom. Just laying
out on the nightstand. I wasn't the most
educated when it came to weighing weed,
but I could pretty much tell by sight that
she had left behind about an ounce. Now,
the reason a lot of people get caught in
this test, is that they will take out "just a
pinch", thinking that whoever left it, won't
notice. Hell no. That's what scales are for.
Never, never, never touch the weed. She
left it on the nightstand, and when she
came back, she found it on the nightstand.
_ _ "You didn't want to smoke?"
_ _ I shrugged. "Wasn't sure if you had
plans for it. But if you want to smoke, I'll
roll." I smiled. A definite way to your girl's
heart, even if you don't smoke yourself:
know how to roll.
_ _Passed again. And this time, I was
in.
_ _ It was about October. I had let myself in with my keys, and practically collapsed on the sofa. I was beat. My eyes
hurt, my hands hurt, my feet hurt, my brain
hurt damn, even my ass hurt for sitting so
long on the damn chair while I was sketching.
_ _"What happened to you?" Dre appeared out of nowhere and planted a kiss
on my forehead.
_ _"Stupid people who want stupid
miracles." I answered.
_ _She chuckled as she passed me a
blunt. "Here, smoke this. You know you're
the bomb, baby. They're working you hard
now, because they know that you're gonna
make it big. You just gotta pay your dues,
that's all."
_ _ "I know, I know, I know." I took a hit.
"I'm just a little overworked, that's all."
_ _She sat beside my head. "We gotta
talk."
_ _ Oh yeah, that got my attention. I
took another hit and passed it back to her,
sitting up. "What's wrong?"
_ _ She shook her head. "Nothing,
baby. But I figured it was time that we had
this talk, that's all."
_ _"What talk."
_ _ She smiled. "The what if talk."
(Blind Love Continued on page 28)
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www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 27
(Blind Love Continued from page 27)
_ _ Nope. I didn't like the sound of this
at all. "What do you mean?"
_ _ She took her time to answer. "I love
you. You know that. And I promised to do
whatever I could to protect you. And I will.
But you know what I'm into, and you know
it ain't safe. And I want to make sure that
you're safe at all times."
_ _"I'm not touching it." I said as I got to
my feet knowing exactly where this was
leading.
_ _"Astoria"
_ _ "Dre, you know how I feel. I'm not
touching it."
_ _ She sighed. "You don't understand"
_ _. "I understand completely. You want
me to be able to protect myself. But I'm not
going there."
_ _"Astoria
_ _"Dre"
_ _"ASTORIA!"
_ _ Silence. I just
stared at her in shock.
She had never raised
her voice to me before.
_ _"Damn, woman.
You act like I want you
to go out there shootin'
people and shit. All I
want is for you to be
able to know how to
use one, just in case
something happens."
_ _"What's gonna
happen?" I asked.
_ _She shook her
head. "I don't know.
And I don't know when.
Any day I can get
caught, baby. Either by
the police or by some ~~~=
ambitious asshole. That's the game I live.
And if you're gonna be with me, you gotta
be prepared."
_ _I walked to the window and stared
out at the street. Dre walked up behind
me, wrapping her arms around my waist. "I
know you're scared, boo. But believe me,
you won't be if you know how to use one.
Okay?"
_ _I just nodded, not saying anything.
_ _"I never wanted to live like this, you
know. Shit, I always thought I'd have a
regular job, married to a fine-ass woman
like yourself, have a couple of kids and
shit. I never pictured my life like this."
_ _"Then why did you do it?" I asked.
"It's not like you didn't have options."
_ _She shook her head. "When my
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 28
moms got sick, I needed money for her
and fast. She didn't have insurance and
she needed chemo. Doctors want to save
your life, but they want their money too.
This is the only way I knew to get the
money quick."
_ _I turned in her arms, facing her.
"Once you were set, why didn't you just
stop?"
_ _She smiled. "You can't just stop
when you make it to where I'm at. Shit, the
dude I took over for didn't just stop."
_ _"What happened to him?" I asked.
_ _ She stared at me in silence. And I
understood.
_ _"I got lucky, baby. Most niggas gotta
work their way up and shit. They gotta
earn a lot of people's trust. Me? I just met
the right guy at the right time. He realized I
was serious and decided to take me under
his wing and shit." She smiled. "I think he
wanted to make some kind of an example
out of me since I was a chick. But I did
right and I earned his respect. And soon,
everyone else's."
_ _"People are afraid of you." I said
softly.
_ _She nodded. "I ain't never asked for
that, believe me. But business is business.
If you show one moment of weakness,
these niggas will run you down in a heartbeat. No joke. If someone fucks with me or
my shit, they gotta pay the consequences."
_ _ It sent chills down my spine to hear
her say these words, even though I understood.
_ _"And you, Miss Thang. You gotta
www.QueerRamblings.com
stay safe. I want you to be able to protect
yourself." Her eyes narrowed and I knew it
meant she meant business. "Understood?"
_ _ I nodded and let her kiss me, even
though my heart was banging in my chest.
__ I think this is when I had my first
doubt. The first time I actually had second
thoughts in the six months Dre and I had
been together. I had thought Dre's other
life wouldn't really touch our life together.
So, it felt safe. I mean seeing a deal here
and there, meeting with some of her contacts, stuff like that was okay. I could deal
with that. But now the stakes were getting
higher and I wasn't sure if I could cut it.
_ _ Dre must have had some faith in
me, because on Saturday, she drove us
out to a friend's house in the country
where we had target practice for two
hours. She had presented me with my own
::::;;;;ii] piece. We decided to keep it
in the loft, nearby so I could
get to it in a hurry if I
needed too. She had raised
the point of my needing
protection if I was out by
myself, but one look from
me and she knew that this
was as far as I would go. At
least for now. By the time
we left the practice range, I
knew all the basics to protecting myself, and another
part of my innocence had
died.
_ _ It was as if I had just
unlocked the door to some
tidal wave, because all of a
sudden there was no more
hiding. Dre would conduct
business in front of me as if
I wasn't even there. I'd be
walking around the loft and see bricks
upon bricks of weed on tables, waiting to
be distributed. Money was flying, people
were talking, and I was the silent one,
sketching or reading, usually minding my
own business unless Dre needed me to
figure something out with her. She knew I
had her back, and she felt comfortable
with that. I was now a part of them.
_ _I was living the lifestyle and I was
getting so accustomed to it. I never questioned a damn thing. When December hit
and my birthday came around, Dre surprised me with a new Volkswagen Jetta.
For Christmas, I got a platinum diamond
solitaire ring. For New Years Eve, Dre took
me to New York City, and we lived it up in
(Blind Love Continued on page 33)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 28
The
Librarian
by Heather Rose
_Heather Rose, subversive
feminist cheerleader, is the editor
and creator of the former grrrly
zine Riot Gone Rose. When not
obsessing over ex-girlfriends, she
is currently working on her first
novel, entitled Auspen. She can
be reached at :
hottieheatherriot@hotmail.com.
Something about that bruise
is turning me on. Wedged symmetrically on a pale plump thigh
between white knee socks and a
loose green jersey dress, it resembles one of those butterfly
inkblots except that it's small and
kind of brown .
She probably got it from working here.
The tables in this library are
so packed and close together
that it's hard to move without
banging into something. Or
someone.
I've never seen this librarian
before. I've been coming to this
library to study with my dorm
mate Kelly for almost a year now.
I'm quite sure that I would have
noticed her- she looks about 20,
the same age as me, and with
her long bright red hair, big green
eyes and her soft, curvy figure,
she stands out among all the
drab, colourless people working
here.
"What the hell! I just don't get
this!" Kelly's copy of
Mrs.Dalfowav goes flying past
me, barely missing my ear.
I chuckle, "You don't get much
lately, do you?"
"Ha ha, like your one to talk."
Kelly sits back, smoothing her
dark brown ponytail to the side
and grins at me wickedly.
Sometimes I wonder why we
never got together, we have been
dorm mates for nine months and
we get along great- there's no
one that I feel more comfortable
with than Kelly. Unfortunately,
though, we're both too romantic,
too into the mystery of it all to
ever consider hooking up with a
known friend. That would be
much too easy.
"Hey, show Virginia a little
respect."
I look up, the red haired librarian is holding Kelly's book. She
places it back down on our table
and gives me a crooked smile
before going back to her bookshelves.
Kelly snorts and mumbles
something that I can't hear because I'm too busy thinking of the
librarian's plump red lips and of
the freckles dotting her nose and
cheeks- hmmm, I wonder where
else she has freckles.
She is bent over now, arranging the books on the lower shelf,
her beautiful heart shaped ass
not very well concealed under the
thin material of her dress. I feel a
tingling in my pussy and my
palms start to sweat as I imagine
cupping that round, juicy ass in
my hands.
"OOOH, somebody wants the
'fire down below'!"
"What?" Kelly's laughter has
snapped me out of my daydream.
"Fire down below. As in redheads. They're usually red down
there too, you know. Well, that is
if they're real redheads- do you
think she is?"
"Shut up." For some reason I
really don't want Kelly talking
about this woman's crotch.
"Come on, Elizabeth, why
don't you go talk to her? She's
pretty cute."
Pretty cute? More like freaking gorgeous. But Kelly's crazygo talk to her? Like it could be
that simple.
"Whatever. Anyway, how was
your date last night?" I'm a
champ at changing the subject.
"Oh, that" Kelly sighs, "Um,
she was nice ... "
"But?"
(Continued on page 30)
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 29
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desk, flicking the lights off and on.
"Well, she was nice but she just "Ten minutes until closing, everyone!"
wasn't Christine."
"Good!" Kelly exclaims, packing
"Oh, you mean she wasn't a
up her books, "I can't wait to get
conceited jerk who treats you like
shit?" Kelly smiles sadly and looks out of here. Want to go get a drink
down at her hands. "I know ... but I or something Liz?"
still can't stop thinking about her."
"I can't. This essay is due MonI reach over and take one of
day and I still have so much reKelly's hands in mine. "It's ok. I
search to do!" I can't believe that
I've spent all this time checking out
called Donna's cell phone this
the librarian's ass when I should
morning just to hear the sound of
her voice."
have been studying. I can't afford
"Oh no! Did she pick up?"
to fail this class. I'm doomed.
"Yep, I hung up when she said
"Excuse me," I look up- it's the
red-haired librarian looking down
'hello'." "I hope you dialled *67."
"Of course."
at me with concern in her dark
Kelly laughs and rolls her eyes, green eyes, "I'm sorry, but I could"Listen to us! We're so pathetic! I n't help overhearing you. I have a
mean, it's been a year since Chris- lot of work to finish up here and if
tine dumped me and at least eight you wouldn't mind helping me lock
months since you and
up afterwards, I'll let
Donna broke up. Do
you stay and study
you think we'll ever get
for another hour."
over them?"
"Really? Wow,
My eyes have
thanks!"
moved back to the
She smiles before
librarian's supple ass,
walking back to her
her red hair is falling
desk, "I don't usually
down her back now
do this, you know."
and her dress has ab- ,
"This is great!" I say
sently hiked itself up
to Kelly, opening
higher- revealing more
back up my noteof those juicy thighs.
book.
I think to myself, "I
"Go for it."
wouldn't mind getting
"What are you talking
over Donna with her".
about?"
The librarian has
Roberta Stokes-Jaque Dupree
"Go for it. She fuckFamily,
stopped shelving and
ing wants you."
(www.lovemakesafamily.org/
is standing at the main
"Whatever, Kelly,
lovemakesafamily/stokes.html)
(Continued from page 29)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 30
www.QueerRamblings.com
she's just being nice."
"Yeah right- 'I don't usually do
this, you know'- she wants you."
I shoo her away with my hands,
"Leave me alone, go home and
call that girl from last night."
"Ok, but I want details." Kelly
winks at me before getting up to
leave.
"Crazy," I mumble to myself,
"She doesn't want me. She's
probably straight. She's just being
nice."
An hour later, after putting all
thoughts of the luscious redhead
out of my mind, I've managed to
finish most of my research and
even have an outline done for my
essay.
Suddenly, I sense someone
standing behind me and my nostrils are filled with the scent of vanilla.
"Time for a little break?"
I stand up, knocking over my
chair, and turn around to face the
librarian. Her full red lips are
parted and look slightly wet as
though she's just been licking
them. Her eyes are hazy and
there's a blush colouring her freckled cheeks.
"I saw you watching me earlier."
What does she have eyes in
the back of her head?
My heart starts beating faster
and I begin to stammer, "1-1 wasn't... I mean, I .. ."
"It's ok, I've been watching you,
too. You're very pretty. Where are
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 30
\?'I DNcl'::i f. ~/\NDl';,f<.t,
Dfl..'6~ 1>1 0(.'N
1e:., ht\lo, I \lave a 90\d fi:1h "'hotn rve had
for a 1~r ow and I !hint he nud!> tnedu.al
,are,..1<i\l he's all bloatM and r,it..l: \ool:,it1.,,
uh huh,,.uh huh ...uh huh,..uh huh.,, thanl:.S
welt?
I
you from?"
Oh God, I hate when people
ask me that question, as if I just
got off a boat yesterday or something when really, I've lived here
my whole life.
"I was born here. My parents
are Canadians too, but their parents are from Japan."
"Mmmm ,. .you have such a
beautiful mouth ... " She leans in
and runs her tongue lightly over
my lips. I pull her to me, my nervousness now evaporated, and
cover her plump red lips with my
own. Her tongue pushes itself
hungrily against mine and I feel her
body quiver with desire. My hands
travel from her small waist, over
her blossoming hips to that gorgeous round ass. I knead the
fleshy mounds with my
hands as she gyrates
her hips gently against
me. She's so soft and
yummy; essay or no
essay, I have to have
her!
With her still in my arms, I push
her gently to the front of the library.
"Sit on top of your desk," I whisper.
She obeys and climbs a top her
workstation, ignoring the piles of
paper and books.
"Hike up your dress", I demand
and she· does; revealing virginal
white panties soaked at the crotch.
My breathing quickens and I think
about what Kelly said earlier about
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 31
redheads. "Take off your panties."
She leans over and slowly removes them, tossing them onto the
floor. I gasp- I don't think that I've
ever seen such beauty. Her pussy
lips are pink and puffy, surrounded
by trim red hair that's just a tad
darker than the hair on her head.
"Now spread your legs wide open
for me." Her white knee socks fall
down to her ankles as I grab hold
of her hips and dive down into her
lush pink pussy. I cover her lips
with my tongue and take in her
juices- she tastes sweet and her
natural scent mingled with her vanilla perfume is making me horny
beyond belief. With my tongue still
on her throbbing clit, I take two
fingers and insert them into her
tight hole- Damn! That's a wet
pussy!
The librarian is moaning
loudly with abandonment,
pulling onto my hair and
shoving her sweetness
deeper into my face. I
grab onto her ass and pull
her up so that I can fuck her with
my tongue. I push it in to herharder, faster and deeper, with
each thrust I can feel her soft
thighs quivering against my face.
Taking my index finger, I insert it
into her ass and she lets out a yelp
of pleasure and starts to come.
Her pussy is coming and coming
all over my already wet face. I
climb on top of her, two fingers still
inside of her, and kiss her passion-
www.QueerRamblings.com
they told me, to 9et
a ne\4 901d fo,h!
ately on the mouth. Her body feels
so warm and moist; I want to take
all of her into me.
She lies back and lets out a
contented sigh. "Oh, thank you,
you don't know how much I
needed that. "
"Mmmm," I whisper, still leaning
over her, rubbing my finger over
her wet lips, "thank you." She
smiles and lifts up my t-shirt.
"What beautiful perky breasts
you have." My nipples are now as
hard as little brown nuts, she flicks
at them with her tongue and starts
unzipping the fly of my jeans.
"Oh God," I moan. I can't believe that this is happening- I haven't been with another woman since
Donna ... Donna ... a million miles
away .. .
The librarian pulls my jeans and
my panties down over my hips and
pulls me up higher on the desk so
that my pussy is above her face.
My whole body is shaking as I
struggle to keep above on my
hands. Her cool wet tongue laps
against my lips and two of her fingers fuck me- at first gently, than
faster and more furiously. I hump
my pussy against her beautiful
face as her fingers pump away
inside me and her mouth hungrily
eats my clit.
She grabs hold of my waist with
her hands and buries her tongue
deeper into me. I feel dizzy and
weak. My body has broken out in
(Continued on page 32)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 31
(Continued from page 31)
a sweat and I'm about to come.
She pumps three fingers in and
out of my throbbing wet pussy.
With each thrust, my cunt tightens itself around her digits.
Running her tongue along
my thighs and over my stomach, she rolls out from under
me and kisses me on the
mouth. I taste myself on her
tongue and she tastes herself
on mine- nothing could be
more delicious.
The librarian stands up and
pulls her dress back down.
"Well, I hope that you were
able to finish that essay of
yours." I'm a little shaken; her
voice has suddenly turned all
business like. She gathers up
the books that have fallen on
the floor and starts arranging
them on the trolley. "We're
closed tomorrow but we're
open late Tuesday if you still
have some studying to do."
Speechless, I zip up my
jeans and stand up.
"Uh .. . thanks ... "
"I still have some work to
finish here but please make
sure to close the door tightly
on your way out."
I put on my jacket and
gather up my books. Numbly,
I cross the library to the exit.
OUT THt(Z.£.
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DM;:,t-- MOON
l<,t rntn1be~. ift -~ oot fur d , ~ ~
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 32
"Hey, wait a minute!" I turn
around; the librarian takes my
face into her hands and gently
kisses me on the lips. "Thank
you, again," she whispers.
I smile and push open the
door. The night air feels cool
against my skin. I touch my
lips lightly- I can still feel her
kiss.
When I get back to my dorm
room, Kelly is sitting up in bed
waiting for me. "Well?" she
smiles, "How was it?"
I toss my books on the floor
and plop down next to her on
the bed.
"Let's just say, I never knew
studying could be so much
fun!"
****************
Cocoon
© Moonreapr
see bio and picture below
You awakened my sleeping heart
From its slumber within
Turned my life around
Put me in a tailspin.
Feed my desire
That feeds you my love
You fit my soul
Just like a tight glove.
If you love me
You won't set me free
Look into my heart
And tell me what you see.
I foresee
The consuming desire
The love we make,
The passion and fire.
Hold me
Let me into the cocoon
that hides your heart
Let us be one
To never part.
Moonreapr: Artist Bio: 41, Louisiana, intuitive artist. My art is mostly
created in sync with the timing of
crop circle activity. This was discovered by accident when a friend of
mine suggested that I compare dates
ofmy drawings to crop circle formation dates. I also do oil and acrylic painting.
My b/w photography is based upon personal attachments to certain objects.
<moonreapr@cox-intemet.com>
Editor's Note: Moonreapr's artwork was also featured in Issue #31, May 2003
,,. ii - fl '
ft. ~ • .:!
7
We\\, thit- i& high\'( urn1&ui\\
l,ut it e.ee1iu, '(Our fo,h i&
E-uffortn9 from at11-if-l'(.
with Mme- mf.dic.alio11 she
&hou\d b~ Ju&t fine!
www.QueerRamblings.com
/\w,1w ,:;\1i c;hi. 'fOUh ji1st
\ii:e me!
\
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 32
(Blind Love Continued from page 28)
a posh hotel like we were born rich . Money
was available to me like you wouldn't believe. Even though I made my own money,
Dre would hand me a few hundred dollars
and send me shopping for a day with Anya
or sometimes, to make nice with The
Bitches. And I think Anya got caught up as
well, because there was never a hint of
argument from her anymore. We had it
made.
__ It wasn't until late January that
things started getting hot. The avalanche
always sends some small snowflakes first
before it hits. And the snowflakes were
starting to fall.
__ It was an ex~eptionally bright day for
January, so I had decided to sketch by the
large picture window in the main part of
the loft, under natural light. I must have
been sketching for about twenty minutes,
when my eyes shifted downward and I saw
a dark red car parked across the street
from the building. I didn't think anything of
it at first, but as I sketched, I realized that I
had seen the same car sitting in the same
spot the day before. I remembered vividly,
because one, I had never seen the car in
the neighbourhood before, and two, Dre
wanted to change the colour of her SUV,
and I thought the red would be nice. I
made a mental note to tell her, and then I
forgot about it.
__Two days later, I'm dragging a bolt
of fabric into the building. I got a little tired,
so I stopped on the top step to take a
breath. I must have looked up for some
reason, when I noticed a glint in one of the
windows in the building across the street.
When my eyes focused, I noticed a person
just standing in the window. I had my wool
cap on, so whoever couldn't see me looking up, but I could tell they were looking
down at me. It gave me an odd feeling, so
I forced myself to continue dragging the
fabric inside. And as I closed the building
door, my eyes, for some reason settled on
the dark red car, which, of course, was in
the same spot.
_ _ About a week after that, after making love to Dre, she went to take a shower,
while I went to the kitchen to fix us some
lunch. I'm naked (like I usually am at her
place), and as I'm walking, I realize that
the drapes to the big picture window were
still wide open. So, I walk over to draw
them shut, and as I close them, that same
kind of glint caught my eye. Keeping the
drapes closed, I peek out through a small
opening, and focused on the window
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 33
across the street from us. Another person
is standing in the same window staring
right at our window, with binoculars.
_ _ Oh God, no. It felt like my heart had
just stopped beating in my chest. No, no,
no, no, no. This wasn't happening. Not
now, not like this.
_ _ My first instincts were to run to Dre,
but I stopped myself. What if I was wrong?
www.QueerRamblings.com
What if I panicked her for no reason? Oh
God, what to do, what to do? So I sat and
thought. It was Saturday. Dre had just
come back from one of her travels the
night before. The boys were going to come
by later that evening to take what was
theirs. If something was going to happen, it
was definitely going to happen tonight.
(Blind Love Continued on page 34)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 33
(Blind Love Continued from page 33)
Every instinct in my body told me something was going to happen.
_ _ Shit, shit, shit! If she got busted, her
mother would be totally heartbroken. And
what about Antoine? The last time we had
visited with her mother, on the way back,
Dre had mentioned the possibility having
to raise Antoine. The cancer had returned
and her mother was getting sick again.
And this time the doctors' didn't seem
hopeful. She had actually talked about
getting out of the game so she could raise
her little brother. She had well enough
money saved. And her mother had already
talked to her about it. If Dre got busied,
who would take care of Antoine once Lorelei was gone?
_ _And at that moment, I made the
biggest decision of my life.
_ _ "I thought you were going to cook?"
Dre's voice broke my thoughts.
_ _ "Huh?" I asked, getting to my feet.
She was fully dressed.
_ _ Her eyebrow rose in amusement.
"Look at you, all naked. You're making me
want to tap that ass again."
_ _I forced myself to smile. "Yeah,
whatever."
_ _ She just kissed my lips gently.
"Don't bother with lunch. I gotta run out for
a little bit, you'll be alright while I'm gone?"
_ _ I just nodded. "I may leave for a little
bit. I have to pick up some things for dinner tonight. Everyone's coming by, right?"
_ _ "Yeah, but you don't gotta cook for
them niggas."
_ _ "Well, it'll be nice to have something
anyway." I insisted.
_ _ She pulled a couple of bills out of
her pocket and handed them to me. "Cook
til your heart's content. You won't get any
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 34
argument from me."
_ _ I just laughed.
_ _After she left, I
quickly got dressed,
© moonreapr
throwing on some sweats
and sneakers. I walked
into my art room and
I am that sky in your heart
pulled out a few bolts of
vast and wide
fabric and unrolled each.
I took a deep breath, and I am that ocean in your soul
went to the hall closet. I
a passionate noontide
felt along the inside wall
carefully until I felt the
little hidden trap door. I
You opened a river in me
pushed it open and there
Where once sat a dam
ii was. Dre's monthly
usual: one hundred
Comes the floods of my being
pounds of marijuana,
This is who I am:
already in bricks, just
waiting. And for the first
time, in a long time I
Waves washing over me
prayed.
_ _ II look me about an Wash over me to drown
hour, and about six bolls The High of You in me
of fabric, to move all the
In you I will never come down.
bricks from Dre's loft to
my car. When I had the
weed in the car, I made
Yes my passion drowns me
one final sweep of the
And I hope to never swim
apartment to make sure
that absolutely nothing
My desire stays constant
was left behind. I packed
Never to fade nor dim.
all of Dre's scales and
guns in my totes. I went
n'I notice anything, but first making a stop
through all her drawers and any phone
at the bridge, to gel rid of all the guns. I
numbers I found, I tore up and packed in
my totes as well--you NEVER throw any- raced back to Dre's as quickly as I could to
set everything back up. When I was finthing away in the trash. II can always be
ished, the first thing I did was take a peek
pieced together and pushed in your face
out the window and that person was still in
later on.
_ _ When I was sure that the place was the window. I breathed a sigh of relief. At
completely clean, I left, driving over to my least I hadn't tipped them off.
place, where I __ By the time Dre walked in, it was
four hours later and I was in the middle of
unloaded
everything and frying chicken.
stashed them __ "Mmm " She kissed my cheek. "That
in my room. I smells good, boo. Those idiots are gonna
be here in about an hour."
had to move
quickly, unroll- __I just nodded. Keep turning the
chicken. Make sure it's even.
ing all the
__She stopped and stared at me. "You
bolls, hiding
ok?"
the bricks in
my closet and __"Yeah, why?" Keep your eyes on the
chicken.
the trunks
__ "You seem a little shaky."
filled with
fabric I kept in __ I shrugged. "I'm not feeling well."
_ _ "What's wrong?"
my room.
Then I had lo _ _ "I think I'm getting sick."
move the bolts __ She placed her hand over my foreback to Dre's head. "Damn, you do feel warm. Why don't
(Blind Love Continued on page 36)
so she would-
Drown Me
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 34
KD, Artist Bio
<KD's work was also featured in the April
2003 issue of QueerRamblings and will be
featured in future issues.>
Cropped by Karen David (KD to my friends),
destined to live a butch life from day one
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 35
By Karen David (KD to my friends), destined to live a butch life from day one.
Well, I was born in Houston Texas and
raised in shake and bake country .... that
would be Los Angeles, California. Growing up, I knew I wasn't like the other little
girls, no matter how much my mother
tried to fit me into that cookie cutter mold.
I never fit in anywhere and I realized later
in life why. I was raised with 3 brothers
and when they got cap guns and holsters
for Christmas, I cried cause I got girly
toys, until my dad finally surrendered and
got me the road race set I'd always
wanted. I've been into art my whole and
can't remember a time when it wasn't. I
majored in art in high school, then went
to college, but flunked out cause I was
told, way back then, that I could not take
any of my major courses for 2 years.
This was back in 1971. I hope things
have changed by now. I then got the
bright idea to go to trade school and major in Architectural Drafting. I thought I
become an Architect, so I then enrolled
at Cal Poly, Pomona. Their program
was totally full so I went by to art. Poly
is not known for it's art dept., but I was
creating stuff and I was happy. I prefer
sculpting and I've been told that I draw
like a sculptor. At the time I didn't realize what that meant, but I do now.
When people see my work, they tell me
how much money I SHOULD be making from it, but I can't do the starving
artist thing. I work a regular job that
pays the mortgage and lets me have a
few toys. *******
http://hometown.aol.com/butchlife/
index.html
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 35
(Blind Love Continued from page 34)
you just let me finish up here and go lay
down?"
_ _ "No, no, I'll be fine. And besides,
you know they like my chicken better than
yours."
_ _"You little bitch." She joked, and
playfully smacked my ass before lighting a
cigarette. "I don't know what I'd do without
you though."
_ _"You'll think of something." I winked
at her. Was I really okay? I felt like my
heart was pounding so loud that she had
to have been able to hear it.
_ _She bit her bottom lip, lust suddenly
the kitchen. I soon heard the normal
sounds of Dre greeting the guys. In about
a half hour, everyone had arrived and I just
stayed in the kitchen, my heart in total fear
of when Dre would realize what happened.
_ _ I didn't have to wait long.
_ _"WHAT THE FUCK!" I heard her
scream.
_ _I could feel myself getting faint. I had
to force myself to sit down al the table.
_ _ "What the fuck is this bullshit!" I
heard something crash and I knew she
was tearing the closet apart.
_ _ "Yo, Ore, what's wrong?" I heard
someone ask.
today. Where's my shit?"
_ _"I don't know."
_ _ "What do you mean you don't
know?" She slammed her fist against the
wall, making me jump. "I checked on that
shit before I left the house. You were the
only person here."
_ _"Baby, I don't know. I was only gone
for a couple of hours •
_ _"Where did you go?"
_ _"To the supermarket to get food.
And I slopped by my place to pick up
some things to sketch •
_ _This time she punched the wall. I
could feel the tears already streaming
II)
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in her eyes. "You ever fucked while you
were sick?"
_ _ "You are positively disgusting, Dre."
_ _She laughed. "You love me though."
_ _And it'll distract her for a while, I
thought. I lowered the heat on the chicken
and let her lead me to the sofa in the living
room area. Every time her lips touched my
skin, I just wanted to cry. In my heart I
knew that this may be the last time I was
able to have her touch me like this.
_ _ But we weren't able to finish. We
had only cum our first time, when the doorbell rang. Dre cursed then got to her feet
while I rushed to get dressed and back into
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 36
_ _"My fucking shit is gone! I just
brought that shit in last night, how the fu
ASTORIA!" I heard her thunderous footsteps on the floor before she walked into
the kitchen.
_ _"What the fuck happened?" She
asked me. Her eyes were clouded over
with anger and mistrust, and I had never
been so scared of her.
_ _"What are you talking about?" I
asked. My voice was sounding hoarse.
Shit, don't tell me I was seriously worrying
myself sick.
_ _ "My fucking shit is gone. You and I
were the only people in this fucking house
www.QueerRamblings.com
down my face. I was so frightened I didn't
know what to do. I couldn't tell her. I just
couldn't. Not yet.
_ _"Tell me you didn't fuck with my shit.
Just tell me, and I'll believe you." She said.
_ _The last thing I wanted to do was
blatantly lie to her, even if ii was for her
own good. But I had no choice. "I didn't•
_ _Before I got to finish, we heard a
crash and then, "This is the police, everyone put your hands up!"
_ _ Dre's eyes widened as she reached
for me, and I just broke down and cried as
I lay my head on her shoulder.
(Blind Love Continued on page 37)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 36
(Blind Love Continued from page 36)
The game was over.
Under the advisement of my parents'
lawyer, I wasn't to have any contact with
Dre at all. I may have been the one that
had the marijuana in possession, but she
was the one that they really wanted. And
any contact between us could jeopardize
my case even worse. Not that it could get
any worse. I plead guilty. Like I could really
plead not guilty when the police found the
weed in my room. To me, it was an open
and shut case, but they didn't want me.
They wanted Dre. It turned out that they
had been watching her for a few months.
And I wanted to kick myself for not noticing
sooner. But at least I had noticed in time
before the raid.
__The looks on the police officers'
faces were priceless. They had turned the
loft upside down, tearing into walls, tearing
up pillows, chairs, beds, sofas--anything
they thought Dre would stash the weed in.
They even found the hidden door in the
hall closet, but of course, it was empty.
They were heated. Eventually, they started
getting rough with all the guys, and then
one of the cops had mentioned getting
warrants for everyone's houses. And in
about an hour, we were on our way to my
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 37
house. I dreaded every step up those
stairs. I dreaded the look of fear on Anya's
face as two officers and I walked into the
apartment. And I dreaded opening my
bedroom door for them, knowing they
would find it all.
_ _ I vaguely remember being read my
rights. I just stayed silent. They asked
questions, Anya asked questions, but I
wouldn't say a word. I just stared blankly
forward as they cuffed me and lead me
downstairs to the squad car.
_ _I had to finally speak, because the
detectives were starting to get on my
nerves.
_ _"What about Anya Townsend?"
_ _"She's not involved."
_ _"How do we know you're not lying?"
_ _ I just shrugged. "You'll have to believe me. Anya didn't know what I was
doing in the apartment."
_ _One of the detectives, Drake, sat
opposite me. He lit a cigarette and handed
itto me.
_ _"Astoria, why are you doing this to
yourself? We all know that you are not
capable of this."
_ _"What makes you so sure?" I asked
as I puffed.
_ _"You have no priors. Honour stu-
www.QueerRamblings.com
dent, good career .. .let's face it. You got
involved with the wrong person. There's no
point in you taking the fall for this."
_ _Silence.
_ _"Did Andrea plant the weed in your
apartment?" The other detective, Anderson asked. "Are you afraid to talk? Astoria,
we can get protection for you."
__That made me want to laugh. I was
safer out there than in here. "I told you
already. Andrea has nothing to do with
this."
__"So what did we walk in on tonight?"
Drake asked. "We heard a lot of yelling
and screaming before we got to the front
door."
__"Have you ever had hungry men
over your house before? Wasn't I cooking
when you busted in the loft?" I asked.
"They get loud often, even in public. You
can dress them up, but you can't take
them anywhere."
__ Drake sighed. "We're tired of this
game, Astoria. Do you realize that you're
facing anywhere between three to fifteen
years in prison?"
__Three to fifteen years? Jesus, my
life was over.
__ He must have noticed the look on
(Blind Love Continued on page 38)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 37
(Blind Love Continued from page 3 7)
my face, because Anderson suddenly sat
beside me. "I understand that you're in
love. But don't let her take advantage of
you like this. All you have to do is tell us
that the weed belonged to Andrea and we
can work out a deal for you. It's your first
offense, it's only possession ... "
_ _"I'm not going to lie." I said. "Andrea
had nothing to do with this. All that's mine."
_ _"Who are your contacts then?"
_ _I smirked. "Like I'm going to tell
you."
_ _ Drake slammed his fist on the desk.
"If you're not willing to help yourself here,
Astoria, we can't help you."
_ _ I just shrugged, infuriating them
even more.
_ _You're probably calling me stupid,
huh? Well, you're probably right. But you'll
do stupid shit in the name of love. All I
knew was that my baby was in danger and
that she needed to be out of it so she
could take care of her family. And I couldn't let anything happen to her. I wasn't
entirely stupid. I knew I was going to go to
prison, but I figured since I was a first-time
offender, I couldn't get the maximum.
Somehow, this had to work out for me.
_ _ I had stopped talking, and when my
parents arrived with their lawyer, I felt like
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 38
my world had totally crumbled. The look on
my mother's face shut me down. And it's
not easy, mind you. Having to lie when you
know it's only hurting those you love. But I
had no choice.
_ _The trial went rather quickly. Two
days. I must have been the very first person in history to plead guilty to drug
charges. The only thing that hitched us
was that the prosecution kept trying to go
after Dre. Trying to get me to admit that
Dre was in on this with me. But I wouldn't.
I said that I had found the contacts at a
rave and had somehow found a way to
raise the money to get the weed so I could
distribute it to people that I knew, who
could make back my money. I had even
lied, saying it wasn't my first time.
_ _The judge wasn't sympathetic. But
she did take in account it was my first
offense and that I had admitted I was
guilty. I was indicted and sentenced to five
years, maximum prison, with possibility of
parole after three years.
_ _ Dre wasn't at the trial. In fact, that
last I had seen Dre was the day of the raid.
I never really had any time to myself, and I
wasn't allowed bail since I dated Dre and
could be a flight risk. So the last time I saw
her, was really the last time. And my one
regret was that I didn't tell her I loved her
www.QueerRamblings.com
before I left.
_ _And here I was now, chained, walking into prison. I'll tell you this: the worse
sound you will ever hear in your entire life
is the sound of that gate closing behind
you. When I heard that heavy thud, I just
gritted my teeth and kept shuffling along,
making sure not to trip on the chains, and
tried my best to keep the tears in.
__ I was stripped. Examined. And whatever modesty and individuality I had was
taken away. Naked, I was given my number, since names didn't matter to them,
and I was welcomed to my new home.
__The first month was the hardest.
Actually, the first day was the hardest. I
had three cellmates, Tina, Corrine, and
Shameka. Tina was in for stabbing some
girt at a party, Corrine was in for grand
theft auto, and Shameka robbed a bank at
gunpoint.
_ _"She thinks she's Queen Latifah or
some shit." Corrine had said.
_ _Shameka flipped her the finger.
"Whateva." Then she hopped up on her
top bunk, walking out of the cell.
__"Watch your ass." Corrine told me
as she pulled her red hair back.
"Shameka's down to be like Cleo too, if
you know what I mean."
(Blind Love Continued on page 39)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 38
(Blind Love Continued from page 38)
_ _I knew what she meant. I could spot
a stud anywhere. But I just waved her off
and lay on my bottom bunk, underneath
Tina, and just closed my eyes and prayed I
could sleep the next five years.
_ _ After a while, you get into a routine.
If you want to survive, you keep to yourself, don't talk back to the guards, know
who not to fuck with, and basically watch
your ass.
_ _ Now, femmes, like me, can be a
prime subject for some major bullshit when
you first get in. Not saying all femmes-but
femmes like me. Dre was proud of the fact
that I was a "lady". I could get rowdy
sometimes, but when it came down to it, I
was extremely feminine and ladylike.
Sometimes too girly. And you can't be like
that when you go to prison. That's asking
for people to jump on your ass.
_ _It took about three days. I was in the
cafeteria, eating some lunch, when this
chick suddenly bumps into me. My first
instinct was to jump to my feet and kick
her ass, but I had to remember where I
was. So I just sat there and didn't move.
_ _"So you're a new fish, eh?" She sat
beside me. Goddamn, she was a burly
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 39
woman. At least six-feet-one and three
hundred and fifty or some odd pounds.
"What's your name?"
_ _"Tori." I answered, taking Corrine's
advice. Pretty names get bullshit responses.
_ _"Tori, huh?" I could feel her sizing
me up and I wanted to cry right there.
Could I really take years of this? "My
name's Rock. If you want to make it up in
here, you'll be nice to me, hear me?"
_ _I finally turned to look at her. "Why?"
_ _"Because if you're not, I can get
nasty with you." Her nostrils actually flared.
Jesus.
felt her move away from me, then a sharp
pain struck my stomach, then again, and
again. The woman was literally kicking me
in the middle of the cafeteria, and no one
was stopping her. I eventually just curled
up to protect what I could, praying for her
to stop.
__Then she was gone. I felt myself
being lifted to my feet and guards helped
me walk back to my cell, where I curled up
in my bed and cried. I had asked to go to
the clinic, but they ignored me, saying I
wasn't in that much danger and to sleep it
off. That's when I realized what I was in
for, and that I really had to face it all alone.
_ _Or so, I thought.
_ _My answer? I picked up my tray, got _ _At the end of my second week, was
to my feet, and walked away. Hell no. Get visitor's day. I knew my parents weren't
as nasty as you want, but I ain't gonna be going to come to see me, so I didn't expect
anyone's bitch. I'll be damned.
anything. But when a guard had come to
_ _ Obviously, Rock was not gonna take the lounge to tell me I had a visitor, I was
that lightly. Next thing I knew, my head
truly surprised.
was suddenly snapped back, and I
_ _I walked outside to where the visitdropped my tray as I fell to the ground.
ing area was, and in the far comer, a
The bitch had a hold onto my hair, and
woman in all pink waved at me. I had no
held me down.
clue who she was, but I was curious.
_ _ "Listen, fish. Don't fuck with me,
__"Astoria?" She asked softly as I sat
hear me?" Then her fists came at me so
down.
(Blind Love Continued on page 40)
fast, I didn't have time to even try to duck. I
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 39
(Blind Lave Continued from page 39)
__ I nodded.
_ _ She smiled. "I'm Ivy. I'm a friend of
Dre."
__My heart literally jumped. My baby
didn't forget me. But I held back. "How do I
know Dre sent you?"
__"She said to tell you that you're an
idiot...but the chicken was good."
__I smiled, wanting to hug this woman
I didn't even know, just out of happiness.
_ _ Concern washed over her face, and
I knew she was noticing my bruises. "What
happened to you?"
__"It's nothing." I said, knowing how I
looked. "Dre sent you? How? Why?"
__ Her eyes darted from side to side to
make sure no one was close by to hear.
"She can't come see you herself. They
have her under surveillance and just waiting for her to fuck up. And she's afraid that
if she comes to you that it'll only make
things worse for the both of you. They are
begging for her to make a wrong move."
__"But she's not going to." I simply
said.
__ Ivy nodded. "She's doing good actually. Everything's all over. She's living a
normal life again. Construction really is her
first love."
_ _I smiled knowing it was true.
_ _"I do have bad news though." Ivy
sighed. "Dre's mother died last week. She
said you ought to know."
_ _"Oh God." I just closed my eyes. If I
had any doubt at all, they were all gone. I
knew I had made the right decision. "And
her little brother's with her?"
_ _ Ivy nodded again. "I guess she and
her mother had some agreement that she
would take him."
_ _"Yeah." I could feel the tears starting
to roll down my cheek. I wanted to be
there for Dre so bad. She needed me.
Right now, she needed me to curl up beside her and just talk to her. I could only
imagine what she must be going through,
having to mourn alone.
_ _"I can't stay too long. But Dre
wanted you to know she hasn't forgotten
about you. That you're still and always will
be number one in her heart, and that she
and Antoine are waiting for you when you
get out." Ivy rose to her feet. She smiled at
me then reached out and lightly touched
my bruised eye. "And we'll see what Dre
can do about this."
_ _We hugged, then I watched her walk
away. It was a meeting of less than five
minutes, but it gave me the strength I
needed. Dre was waiting for me. I had to
survive for that. But as it turns out, I didn't
have to survive alone.
_ _Three days later, I'm in the cafeteria
again. I'm sitting in the far corner as usual,
when I see Rock enter the room. Fuck,
fuck, fuck. I had heard that she was looking for me, and I didn't want to have to
deal with her.
_ _ But, of course, she found me and
made her way over to the table I was sitting at.
_ _"I don't want any trouble." Was the
first thing I said to her.
_ _"Trouble? Oh, hell nah, I ain't gonna
fuck with you." She reached into her
pocket and pulled out two packs of cigarettes and laid them on the table. My
brand.
'These are for you ." She said.
I swear, I looked around, waiting for
the Candid Camera sign or something.
Yes, even in prison. "What for?"
_ _"I didn't know you were Dre's
woman ." Rock said. Were her hands trembling? "If I knew, I wouldn't have fucked
with you. I'm sorry, ok?"
_ _I just stared at her wide-eyed, wondering how the fuck Dre managed to pull
(Blind Love Continued on page 42)
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 40
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 40
Photography by Vic Cozy
Picking One Up
by Vic Cozy
Surf Rocks
by Vic Cozy
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 41
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 41
(Continued from page 40)
this one off? Damn, she's good.
_ _"If you need me for anything, just let
me know. I got your back up in here, ok?"
_ _I just nodded, still not able to speak.
__ She nodded herself, then walked
away.
_ _I made a mental note to not only
give Dre the biggest kiss in the world,
when I got out, but to also kiss Ivy whenever I saw her next.
_ _I won't say that my time in prison
was easy. It most definitely wasn't. But
having Rock on your side can make it
somewhat bearable. I did my time
like I was supposed to; I did all my r
duties, I took a trade class in auto
mechanics, and I read like a madwoman, spending as much free
time as I could in their limited
library. The only thing I didn't have
to worry about was my protection,
because Rock made it known that
if anyone fucked with me, they
were fucking with her. And no one
wanted to fuck with Rock, cuz she
was a lifer and had absolutely
nothing to lose.
__ Ivy paid a visit once every
month, keeping me up on what
was going on outside and how
Dre was doing. She was our only
contact with each other. The police had finally taken the heat off
her once they realized she had
definitely gone straight. But we
still didn't want to take any
chances, so we didn't write any
letters and didn't call each other.
But Ivy was good for keeping me
informed. Dre had managed to set
up a legit construction business of
her own, and was making quiet a
name for herself. It seemed that
Ivy was closer to Dre than I had
realized from the conversations
she had, and things she told me.
When Antoine had first entered high
school, I knew that Dre was going to be
beside herself with worry. Ivy regaled me
with stories on how Dre would call her for
advice on how to raise a teenager.
__"How do you know Dre anyway?" I
asked. It was strange, but I was so used to
not asking questions, that it never really
popped into my head before now. But after
two years and five months of being here, I
figured I could ask.
__"Let's just say that she met me when
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 42
I was at my lowest, and helped me better
myself." Ivy replied. "I owe her my life."
_ _"You have kids?" I asked.
_ _ She nodded. "Two. Seventeen
and fifteen. Both boys."
_ _"Can I ask you something?"
_ _"Sure?"
_ _ I lit a cigarette and sighed. This
question had been on my mind for the
longest time. "Does Dre ever date?"
_ _ Ivy didn't say anything at first.
"Um ... I'm not sure if I'm in the position to
say either way."
_ _"I'm not trying to check up on her or
anything." I explained. "It's just that... I
know she has a life out there. And if she
met someone ... I'd understand, that's all. I
can't expect her to wait for me." It's funny,
that I said it aloud, but in my heart if I knew
that Dre was seeing someone else, it
would probably kill me.
_ _ Ivy reached over and took my hand
in hers. "Believe me when I tell you that
you are the only person on her mind right
now. She doesn't have room for anyone
else."
www.QueerRamblings.com
_ _I closed my eyes in a silent prayer of
thanks.
_ _And my time went on. More visits
from Ivy, a couple of letters from my parents. I had started sketching again, which,
at the lime seemed a little hopeless, but
the girls on my cell block got a kick out of
seeing my designs.
"When I get out, I'm definitely looking
you up." One girl, Vera had said. "You're
shitis off the hook."
"You think so?" I asked. It had been
well over two years since I had picked up a
pencil.
Corrine looked over my shoulder.
"Damn, girl. Hell yeah. Hey, put
me on the list too. My ass won't be
in here for too long." Then she
winked before leaving.
Another ray of hope. It got me to
thinking that possibly I could start
up on my own once I got out. As
much as I made a name for myself
in the company I worked for, the
designs I created for myself and
;-.-. / The Bitches, put my names on a
-~.,.~
lot of women's lips in Dre's business. So at least, on the outside, I
could still have a chance. I made a
.,, mental
note to talk to Dre about it
as soon as I could.
Another year had passed, and
before I knew it, I was up for parole.
And I got scared.
_ _ Don't get me wrong. I did
want to get out. I did want to be
free. But I also think a part of me
was afraid to be out. I had
changed. Every day I spent there
chipped a little bit away from me. I
wasn't the same woman who had
first walked in here with tears in
her eyes. Hell, I couldn't remember
the last lime I had even shed a
tear. I would never say I was na'ive
beforehand. Hell no, we all know
that. But prison changes you, whether you
want it or not. If you managed to survive
one day in prison, you're never the same
again. How would I be after three and a
half years of lock-up? What would be out
there for me? I knew my job was gone.
During the trial, I had received a letter that
my services were no longer needed, and
they had shipped my materials home.
Home. Funny.
I no longer had an apartment, since Anya
(Continued on page 43)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 42
(Blind Love continued from page 42)
didn't want to deal with me anymore. And
it surprised me that I never cried over it.
had x-ed me out of her life. I couldn't
blame her really. Since she was in the
Not one single tear. I had just taken the
knowledge, locked it in my heart, and went
apartment at the time of the search, she
had been arrested as well, although even- on.
tually let go. But the experience itself had __ I did get paroled. Oh, please, you
thought I wouldn't? I was a model prisoner.
pissed her off, and she let me go. From
Ivy, I found out that she moved out of
Half of the guards couldn't understand why
state, and no one, not even Danny, knew I was in prison in the first place, and in my
where she went.
last months, they were looking out for me
_ _My parents had visited me only
as well.
twice during my time in prison. I could see But even if I was a model prisoner, and
that they were embarrassed each time, so everyone and their grandma said that I
I never asked for them to come back. My
was a good person, I still had to keep
father wouldn't speak to me, and all my
claim that I was guilty, and had reformed
mother could do was cry as soon as she
during my imprisonment. I had just told a
saw me or heard my voice. Eventually,
partial truth when I faced the parole board.
they stopped pressuring me to tell them
"I realize what I've done, and I realize
the truth, and slowly, they stopped calling it was wrong. I honestly just got caught in
as often, even though the letters stopped. a bad situation. It was stupid. And I ruined
And during the last six months, I didn't
my life for it. But I need to get back on
hear from them at all. Ivy told me that they track. I have a degree that I worked hard
were still around, so I knew that they just
for, and I have a lot of people to make
proud again. The three years I
spent in prison has taught
me a lesson: to think for
myself and do what's right
By Vinnie Valero
for me." I had rehearsed it
well. Little lie here and there,
How I hoped to be here before
but hell ... it got me out.
With this memory of you in my arms
By the time my release hapBlinded by illusion in its place
pened, I was in an emotional
conflict. I had absolutely no
Confused and intertwined within my mind
idea what to expect. All I
Yearning to feel the comfort of your strength knew was that the bus was
As I craved this need of your lips upon mine going to drive us back to the
city, and from then, I was
basically on my own. There
Absorbed instead in the dark
was a halfway house with a
Thinking never to be found
room available to me. I had
All the while longing for this very spark.
my parole officer that I had to
check in with the next mornKnowing all too well lunacy was not mine
ing, and once a week for the
Even if surrounded by its consequence
next six months. Almost everything was planned except
How I hoped you would come along
whatever life held for me.
With this mirror to discount
The night before my release
All the lies of insanity in my design
day, I had walked around the
building, saying goodbye to the
Oh! Look at me now ...
women and girls I had become
friendly with. Rock was the
Celebrating this love and our might
hardest to say goodbye to. She
And the sky on which we fly
admitted that at first, she had
Envisioning how our wings will caress
only looked out for me because
By being ever so close whilst in flight
I was Dre's girl. But after
awhile, she realized what kind
of person I was .
.... Unbound and ever so passionately
"You're a good person. Make it
ALIVE.
out there, ok? Don't end up
back in here."
"There's no reason for me to." I answered her as I hugged her tightly.
She just nodded at me, then walked
away, head down. She was genuinely a
nice person, but like the rest of us, had
gotten stupid at one point in her life. And
sadly she had to spend the rest of her life
in here. It's too bad that there wasn't
someone who had looked out for her when
she first came in. Maybe she wouldn't be
so untouchable. But I guess when you
know that there's no chance to leave, you
just have to survive the way that you know
how. That's all you can do. Survive. With
that in mind, I walked back to my cell to
spend my last night in my barred home.
The bus ride back wasn't much different than when I arrived. I still had no idea
what to expect when I arrived to my destination. My last visit with Ivy didn't clue me
in on anything. I had asked about Dre, and
she had said that she hadn't been able to
get in touch with Dre for a few weeks, so
Memory in Flight
www.QueerRamblings.com
she couldn't even tell her that I had been
granted parole. Chills ran down my spine
at her words. What if Dre was gone? What
if Dre got tired of waiting? What if she met
someone new? Three and a half years
may not be a long time in general, but it
really can be, especially if you have no
contact with the person. I hadn't even
heard Dre's voice in all that time. I didn't
doubt that she'd try to hold out, but there
were so many opportunities for her to be
with someone else, especially if I wasn't
there.
Then, all the doubt started. What if I
did all of this for no reason? What if the
detectives were right, and I was just some
(Blind Love continued on page 44)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 43
(Blind Lave continued from
page 43)
chick to her. True, she had let
me in and trusted me, but you
see all those movies were
gangsters and dealers have
these women that are basically playthings. These
women are temporary and
don't really mean much. What
if Dre thought of me that way?
No, no, no. She had sent Ivy
to me. For three and a half
solid years, she had sent Ivy
so that I had some kind of
contact with her. Why would
she go through all that just to
abandon me? Maybe she
wanted to keep my mouth
shut. Maybe if she thought
that if I knew early on, then I
would confess everything.
She could be long gone now,
and there would be no reason
for me to talk, since I had
already served my time.
I closed my eyes, pressing my forehead against the
window. My stomach was
churning. I was making myself
sick with worrying about all
this shit. I had completely
punked out, hadn't I? What
woman in her right mind gives
up all that she has worked for,
for a person she knew for less
than a year? My life was basically ruined. For the rest of my
life, I'd be known as an exconvict. I couldn't get a job or
an apartment without mentioning it. I was marked for life.
"Idiot." I cursed myself.
"Stupid, na'ive idiot." Everyone
was right, weren't they? Anya,
my parents, the detectives,
my lawyer; all of them were
right. I wanted to cry so badly.
And the closer we got to the
city, the more I wanted to just
disappear. I had done all this
for nothing. Granted, Antoine
wasn't a ward of the state, but
in exchange, I ended up a
ward of the state myself.
"You're in over your head
here," Anya's words danced in
my head. "You may be tough,
but deep down you're as inno-
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 44
hiny by "
"Jeanin
·_& Angel ·"
~
cent as they come. It's
too dangerous." I just
totally let love blind
me. What the hell was
I thinking?
Then I got mad. Mad
that I was such an
idiot. Mad that I had
absolutely nothing out
there. And for what?
Love? What did love
get me? Three and a
half years of my life
taken away. Then my
anger turned to sadness. Complete, total
sadness. I felt so defeated. I had taken the
risk for love and had
ultimately lost.
_ _I didn't even
realize the bus had
stopped until one of
the guards had
screamed my name. I
got to my feet and
slowly stepped off the
bus, carrying my clear
plastic bag full of idle
belongings I had collected over lime. I
recognized the area
quickly. I was about
fifteen minutes away
from where I shared
the apartment with
Anya. That, of course,
was now gone.
_ _I reached into
the pocket of my jeans
and pulled out the
address for the halfway house that I could
stay at. Walking-wise,
it would take me about
a half-hour, which was
fine. That would give
me enough time to
beat some more sense
into my head.
_ _The bus pulled
off, and I turned
around to start my
walk, when I saw it. A
black SUV. Cadillac
Escalade. And leaning
against it, arms
crossed under her
( continued on page 45)
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 44
(Blind Love continued from page 44)
breasts, smoking a cigarette was Dre.
Dressed in all black, her hair in loose
braids, with that smirk on her face when
she realized I had noticed her. She hadn't
changed a bit.
__I didn't know what to do. I just
stood there, feeling the tears start rolling
down my cheek.
__ She casually walked over to me,
then just pulled me into this huge bear
hug, lifting me off my feet. Instinctively, I
just wrapped my legs around her waist,
just as our lips met for the kiss I had been
waiting, for what felt like a lifetime to feel.
__"I've missed you so much." She
said. "You have
no idea."
_ _"Oh,I
don't?" I asked,
sliding back down
to my feet. I
stared into her
eyes, and felt my
heart do that pitter-patter thing.
God, I'd always
love those eyes.
_ _ She shook
her head. "It took
me a while to
understand why
you did it. Then
when my moms
died, it all clicked.
Baby, I owe everything to you .. ."
_ _"Dre ... "
_ _"And don't
you ever, EVER
do any shit like
that again, you
hear me?" She
continued. Tears
were streaming
down her face.
"You gave up too
much for me,
Astoria. Way too
much."
__ I couldn't
stop touching her.
I was gripping her
hands as if she
would disappear if
I let go, leaving
me all alone
again. But I
reached up and
brushed some of
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 45
her tears away.
_ _"You're worth it." I simply said. "I
kept you and Antoine together, just like
Lorelei would have wanted it."
_ _"It was my mistake. I should have
paid for it." She kissed my hands. "Baby, I
can't give any of it back to you. Do you
realize that? I've spent the last three
years, six months, and twelve days realizing that there's nothing I can do to give it
back to you. What you gave up ... " She
stopped suddenly, squeezing her eyes
shut.
"You know, you pray for someone who
will love you unconditionally. Who will do
just about anything for you? But baby, I
www.QueerRamblings.com
never wanted you to ... "
I placed my finger on her lips. "I love
you." That's all that needed to be said.
She just nodded. "I'll never forgive
myself for letting you do this. I'm gonna
spend the rest of my life trying to make it
back up to you. You have my heart, girl.
And anything else that you want or
need ... it's yours."
__"You can start with dinner." I said,
suddenly famished. "Is Nina's still around?
I haven't had anything decent to eat for a
while."
__ She laughed. "Definitely. Besides,
you got some surprises waiting for you at
home."
_ _"Surprises?"
_ _ She nodded.
"Madd surprises. I sold
the loft, by the way. I
decided to keep my
mom's house. No
point in making Antoine suffer any more
than he has to, and
move him from his
school, his friends,
and shit. And the
house is ready for your
creative touch. All of
your things are still in
storage, I saved everything that was at my
place, and I hooked up
the den so that it can
be your sewing room."
_ _ She opened the
passenger door, helping me inside, and in
the backseat, was
Antoine, listening to
music through his
headphones and playing a Gameboy. When
he felt the car move,
he looked up, and a
smile brightened his
face when he saw me.
Oh my god, my little
boy was almost grown.
_ _"Astoria. I
missed you!" Did that
voice come from him?
He pulled the headphones off his head
and hugged me the
best he could in our
position. He glanced at
Dre when she got in
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 45
herself. "Can I stop 'minding my own business' now that she's in the car?"
_ _ Dre chuckled. "Yeah, you can."
_ _"My mom wanted me to give this to
you." He reached into his pocket and
pulled out a small box. "She gave it to me
on her... you know.. .the last day. She said
I wasn't to open it and that it was meant for
you."
_ _With trembling hands, and Antoine
and Dre watching me closely, I opened the
small box, and found piece of paper and
an antique gold locket. When I flipped the
neck. "Looks good on you."
__ I just smiled. The emotions were
getting too heavy, so I playfully punched
her in the arm to lighten the mood. "Are we
going to Nina's or what? Don't you know
you're supposed to feed someone once
they get out?"
__ She chuckled. "Here you go, acting
like you're all big and tough now that you
were in the pen. You gonna be like this
forever?"
__I smiled. "I think so."
__ She returned my smile, and planted
a kiss on my cheek before she started the
day, please?"
_ _"I'm not gonna have you talkin' like
some idiot, ok?" She said. "And what are
you doing with that Gameboy anyway? I
thought you had a book you were supposed to be reading for your English
class."
__"Dre ... • He groaned.
__"Don't 'Dre' me. We already went
through this, Antoine."
__ I couldn't help but smile at their
light arguing, as we sped down the street.
These were wonderful sounds. Family.
That was the reason I had done all this.
top open, there was a picture of Dre when
she was younger, holding Antoine on her
lap. He couldn't have been more than nine
years old at the time. I unfolded the paper
and immediately started crying again at
the words. "My family is now your family. I
know what you did. You're the right
woman for them. Thank you for giving me
peace."
_ _"That's where her locket was?" Dre
asked. She read the note, and I could see
the pain on her face. She just handed it
back to me, taking the locket, and I bent
my head as she fastened it around my
SUV. "Yo, Antoine, when was the last time
you had good lobster?"
_ _"lobster? That's nasty." He said. He
had his arms around my seat, hands
clasped in front of me. I reached up and
covered his hands with my own.
__"Oh, baby brother, you have no clue.
Wait till you try this place. It'll make you cry
it's so good." She pulled away from the
curb and into traffic.
_ _"I ain't eating lobster."
_ _"What did you say?" She asked.
__ He sighed. "I AM NOT eating lobster. Damn, Dre, can I leave school for a
And I knew I had made the right decision.
Now, I'm not saying that what I did was
right for everyone. But for me, it was.
That's just how it goes. You do what you
have to. You do what feels right. And the
consequences never really matter. Especially when you're blinded by love.
(Blind Love continued from page 45)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 46
www.QueerRamblings.com
THE END
Copyright© 2002. Used by permission of
author. All Rights Reserved.
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 46
be patient with my tiny short locks as they slowly
?ecome my new lioness mane. I have begun compilmg a photo scrapbook as my hair blooms into the
look I desire. I will photograph that moment and
post it to this site. I will rejoice when I look like
rebel sheroe Assata Shakur.
I have longed to wear locks for years. I was urged to
move beyond sincere desire to drastic change by
several recent incidents in my life: I have survived a
betrayal that has left me feeling invincible. I have
mended a broken heart that has made me feel brand
new. I have fallen in love with an independent film
on locks that moves me deeply. It is entitled
"Lockin Up" and it is directed by T. Nicole Atkinby Alicia Banks
son .(For more info, see
www.dreadlocksvideo.com).
I have a dear new
I am 34 years old. Since I was a young girl, until
friend
named
Kim
Dixon,
who
dons perfect locks
today, I have worn Eurocentric hairstyles. From hot
me
proud
to
share
her "do". And, I '
which
make
combs to chemical perms to wigs, I have always
is
an
African
queen and I
have
a
new
lover
who
oppressed my hair. Today, I liberated my hair from
in
her
queendom.
want
to
be
equally
regal
a lifetime of cosmetic bondage via internalized
Collectively, these incidents make me feel strong
white supremacy. I paid a gifted sister to lock my
enough to endure the stares, the ignorance, the rehair.
jection,
the discrimination, the curiosity, the drama
It has been one of the most daring and exhilarating
and
everything
else that comes with wearing locks.
experiences of my life. It is invigorating to feel the
Legendary
reggae
dub poet, gifted actor, and star of
sun and wind on my scalp. It is empowering to look
the
classic
rebel
slave
film "Sankofa", Mutabaas my African soul has always felt. It is thrilling to
in
his
classic rebel song "Witeman
ruka,
said
it
best,
wear my ancient revolutionary politics in my new
country":
"It
no
good
to
stay in a witeman country
rebel hair.
ELOQUENT FURY
REVOLUTIONARY AFRICAN TRUTH
EXPRESSLY FOR RADICAL INTELLECTUALS
WHO SEEK KNOWLEDGE
(****WARNING: HAZARDOUS TO
NEOCON DELUSION****)
COSMETIC
EMANCIPATION
2-21-98
I prefer to wear my hair long; so I am struggling to
BRIEF BIO: Alicia Banks
M~ n~~ is Alicia Banks. I am a native of Chicago,
Illmo1s via somewhere in Africa. I am an afrocentric
activist, a scholar, a corporate trainer, an instructor, a
(cosmetic emancipation continued on page 48)
time, daily, commercial AM radio talk show.
"Outlook" features radical talk for revolutionary intellectuals.
I recently earned a Master of Arts in Interpersonal and
kindergarten teacher, an
· - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - • Organizational Communica~.--~~,tion (Summa Cum Laude
actress, a singer, a DJ, an
author, a radio producer, a
4.0). I have also earned a
film producer, a talk show
Bachelor of Arts in Speech
Communication from the
host, a sister, a daughter, an
aunt, a columnist, a lesbian,
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. I view
a Leo, a warrior, a lover,
and much more...
academia as the last bastion
I am a verbal vessel for
of truth and the only real
haven for afrocentric intellegions of ancient, African,
sister warrior spirits, across
lectual rebels like myself.
oceans of time.
Someday, I may earn a PHD
"Les Chanteuses Afriin African Studies/Gender
caines", my unique radio
Studies and publish an antho logy of my columns. Curexperience, has been a legendary hit since 1989. lt
rently, I am employed as an
features the musical and
instructor and I am seeking a
literary voices of Black
------••
soulmate •••
women with creative, political, and sexual diversity.
Very soon, I will reclaim my
I am the only out lesbian in America to host a prime- radio thrones ••• Stay tuned.
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 47
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 47
(cosmetic emancipation continued from page 47)
too long" ... It is common to be infected with the
poison of white supremacy in a racist country
like America. From cosmetic commercials to
supermodels, from billboards to magazines,
from TV screens to movie screens, and from
center stages to centerfolds, straight hair rules.
It is typical to emulate such bombardment with
the epitome of eurocentric ''womanhood" that
haunts us everywhere, even on the arms of
many of our "brothers".
Renown author and sage Alice Walker is beautiful. And so are her locks. In "Oppressed Hair
Puts A Ceiling on the Brain", an essay in her
classic collection of non-fiction titled Living by
The Word, Alice states:
".. .It occurred to me that in my physical self
there remained one last barrier to my spiritual
liberation. ..my hair.. .It was the way I related to
it that was the problem ...I suddenly understood
why nuns and monks shaved their heads ...I
remembered years of enduring hairdressers,
from my mother onward, doing missionary
work on my hair. They dominated, suppressed,
controlled. Now, more or less free, [my hair]
stood this way and that.. .It never thought of
laying down. Flatness, the missionary position
did not interest it. It sought more and more
space, more light, more of itself It loved to be
washed; but that was it.
Fourteenth
Floor Sunset
by Tara Chen
The sky falls apart
Obvious radial fractures
Of pink
And blue
And gray
Consuming once supportive mountains
And coloring the ashen Sound
Straining
The now defunct water tower
I noticed only yesterday
Above the warehouse
Turned office building
Somehow survives
Keeping clouds at bay
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 48
Eventually, I knew precisely what hair wanted. It wanted to
grow, to be itself, to attract lint, but to be left alone by anyone, including me, who did not love it as it was ... (I was now
able, as an added bonus, to comprehend Bob Marley as the
mystic his music has always indicated he was.) The ceiling
at the top ofmy brain lifted; once again my mind (and
spirit) could get outside myself .. This was the gift ofmy
growth during my fortieth year. This - the realization that as
long as there is joy in creation, there will always be new
creations to discover, or rediscover, and that a prime place
to look is within and about the self That even death, being
part oflife, must offer at least one moment ofdelight. "
My hair has become spiritual and political. I look at my hair
and I feel like I have come home. I stayed away FAR too
long... *****
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 48
The Dance of Love
Little One
By Vinnie Valero
by Tara Chen
Oh! This dance ...
My tongue a useless appendage it has become
For me to bite upon
As my lips struggle to sing along
Before my ears can decipher the music
Yet love's melody hums on and on
Even if with a harmony of its own.
I look down to see the mangled mess my feet have become
While they trip upon themselves
As my toes try to keep up with the beat
Before they have even figured out the step
Still tap tap they carry on wanting to dance and keep time
Only to fall short or behind refusing to catch up.
My arms are a jumbled heap of vines now
As they reach out trying to sway in rhythm
Before they even know which direction to move
Even so, they climb and extend hoping for even a touch
Happy with the handful of air they do manage to clutch.
My pride? Well my pride was checked in at the door
That's the price of admission now days, I was told
For this love is a special dance
And with humbleness and joy
I dance out of step
While I whistle out of tune
Snapping my fingers to the wrong beat
With a smile upon my face
And my conceit at my feet.
my dear
friend and
long-time
contributor
to QueerRamblings:
Vinnie
Valero
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 49
Her little body
Nearly as large as my own
Guides her effortlessly
Into the high
Wafting limbs
Of our backyard
Her laughter carries
The wind
Her little legs
Nearly as long as my own
Propel her down the field
Checkered ball in mind
Courage on her lips
Her little mind
Nearly as strong as my own
Devours whole libraries
No longer in need of my voice
Or presence
On the comer of her bed
To guide through wondrous
Written worlds
She has my Grandmother's
Resilient
Exotic heart
My mother's ceaseless beauty
Her cunning could almost be mine
But that it surpasses
And astounds me
No
Please Goddess
No!
Don't wake me
Not here
Not now
She needs me
And I her
Don't pull me away
From the child I will never have
Let me lie here
To live in this dream until I am gone
Without her
I will surely drown in these tears
*******
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 49
'¢'{
Dt,\1l$ f.. t,t,NDt'A?-'S
Dr,.";;,A. MOON
1:ou' re mother to\d
me about '{OUr ,ondition
Dadd1 \ don't have- a
condiiion, 1his it'irtt a
si,~neM, it's just ~hat
t am! -Please under-.;tand
1hat!
.
'fou're noi 9onna be 9ettin9 one
of tho&e sn kan~fonnation thin9~
are. •p?
'-
l
1
"Say, darling, where DID you get that fabulous outfit?'~ .:
\
/
www.QueerRamblings.com/gear_ main.html
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Mail subscriptions and submit your work to:
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Y'all come back now, ya hear?
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QueerRamblings is
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will not be on the envelope) so you can
subscribe with confidence that the
neighbors won't find
out that you're a big
lesbo! I am all for
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but your safety is far
more important to me.
l
Sandra R. Garcia
QueerRamblings Inc.
12800 Florence Blvd
Blythe, CA 92225
(Say, the rumors are all true. I'm moving
to NY next month, but you can use this
address indefinitely. You can always
check on the website for updated info)
f
l
, ':' , t.e
i116W
;·:. : , . . ,. , .
• "..:. -
1'7"1}.. ·t.::'•.::·. ,~·ti
''"tlie'cr~afivity of q1ieer
•use:'hf,thct:ablllldant talent in OU
• ounts of-publications that will fea .
-
{,
amblings. There are purposely no guidelines or restriGr·:,
J;mat: journal entries, .poems, stories, manifesto's'
•
ude your work, I'll send you a free copy.
.•
ubs,cription: $15 for one year or $25 for two ye
. , "e~~Ramblin s subscription would make a great gift'.
HecR:s, ~hd m '
de to QueerRamblings.
S~R.Garcia
• sPit
·n
4th
,NY
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An international publication for
QUEER WOMEN and their many admirers
This magazine features the abundant talent in our
queer community that often goes unrecognized
You have been recommended to me as a queer-friendly establishment and I'd love to include you in the growing number of bookstores that carry QueerRamblings.
QueerRamblings is a monthly publication has been independently
published for over two years. I'm pleased that demand has increased exponentially.
Carrying QueerRamblings in your bookstore is easy. We can
start with five copies per month and go from there. At the end of
six month, I'll send you a reminder to pay for the issues you sold
and you can just recycle the rest.
I trust you would pay 50c for each issue sold at the shelf price of
$1, so there is no need to worry about sending unsold copies back.
I want to make it easy for you so QueerRamblings can continue to
reach the queer community.
SandraR. Garcia
Thanks for your support.
QueerRamblings Publication
Thanks again, Sandy
392 14th St. #IA
Brooklyn,NY11215
Ueer am lllgS.com sandy@QueerRamblings.com
Q
R
bl .
-
I
suggested retail price:
USA$1.00
CAN $1.50
the reader and writer to have their own
reality under a common idea. The
writer pours in to words her experience
and the reader absorbs it within a different perspective. Two minds, two
worlds, same words. Cada cabeza es un
mundo.
Welcome to the thirty-first issue of QueerRamblings, a fabulous monthly
Please do send me your work. Ifl
publication featuring the creativity of queer women. I started this magainclude your work, I' II send you a free
zine because of the abundant talent in our copy. Don't forget that your work inqueer community that often goes unrecspires many. You may snail mail or
ognized due to limited amounts of publi- email to the address below. I encourage
cations that will feature queer-themed
material of any kind and subject, but
creativity.
don't bother sending violence-themed
While I do encourage coming out, being
material.
visible and feeling proud to be queer, I
Finally, a special thanks, hug and big kiss to my darling partner Cid.
also respect that many of the readers and I am truly blessed to have hym.
contributors are not out of the closet for a
This month's cover models/ photographers: Jeanine & Angel
variety of reasons. QueerRamblings is a
safe space, with the option of sharing
Sandra R. Garcia I QueerRamblings Publication
your talents and still remain anonymous
12800 Florence Blvd/ Blythe, CA 92225
should you choose.
I look forward to a lifetime of issues filled
Note: I'm moving to NY next month to be with my FTM partner
with the creativity of the fabulous queer
CID (huge grin) You can send mail to the CA address and I will rewomen who have the courage to share
ceive it. I will give my new address as soon as I get settled in.
their work, and a little bit of themselves.
www.QueerRamblings.com
Written experience is especially signifidid ya know you can look at the covers for past issues? Yeah,
cant to me because it allows the space for
just click on "Images" and then "Covers" Pretty neat!
About me, my vision of
grandeur, and other such
queer ramblings ...
Photography: various black and white
Painting: Anniversary (p~ 15)
Jeanine & Angel
Christy M. Ikner
D. Alexandria Williams,
known as Glitter
Davis & Sanders
Dasa Moon
Monthly column: What's wrong with you? The insider's report: 3
Commitment Service
(including photo and bio)
BlindLove 5
I am ever so excited to announce Out There Comics will be 4, 7, 9, 12-14,16, 19, 25joining QR as a regular contributor. Welcome, welcome! 27. 29-32, back cover
A. Hamilton (including photo and bio) poetry:
known as Lovelybrown
Too Strong to be This Weak
24
The Librarian
29
Heather Rose (including bio) prose:
Moonreapr
KD
Vic Cozy
(includes photo and bio)
Cocoon;
(includes photo and bio)
Phoiography
Drown Me 32;34
Artwork 35- 40
Picking One Up;
Vinnie Valero
poetry
Memory in Flight;
Tara Chen
poetry
Fourteen Floor Sunset;
SurfRocks 41
Dance of Love 43;49
Little One 48;49
Images and words are used by permission of creator. Images may vary from originals. Photocopying necessitates that I lighten
the images and convert images to grayscale. If no creator is noted, image is copy-right free. In any case QueerRamblings Inc.
non-profit organization, makes no attempt to profit from their use. Just trying to spread the word that queer women kick ass, and
well, frankly, working toward domination. P.S. Should I make a mistake, just Jet me know. I'm only one person trying to get it
all done and keep a smile on my face.
What's Wrong With You? ... The Insiders Report
by: Christy M. Ikner
new car never seemed to take very
long. So imagine my surprise when
five and a half hours later my partner
and I were still at the dealership waiting on the completed paperwork to
be signed.
In today's technologically advanced ·society of online loan approvals one would think the process of
ca; buying would be significantlr
shorter. And it may be for the blissfully married heteros. But for us lifepartnered gays, the process was
longer than the 1982 Buick LeSabre
Cars and Insurance that I inherited from my parents upon
my high school graduation.
What do you get when you cross
A process that took less than the
one car salesman, an insurance representative and two lesbians? One better part of a Saturday for my par- gether. After they det~rmined that
ents, became a three day ordeal for we were indeed a lesbian couple
foreign car registered into two.
who, following the stereotype probanames, one American SUV dnven by my partner and I. Let me start fr~m
the
beginning.
My
partner,
Jen_mfer,
bly didn't make much money, they
one lesbian but registered to another,
is
a
Realtor
who
drives
what
might
as
pawned us off on an intema~ion~I
one loan in two names with a high
well
be
a
million
miles
a
week
in
her
salesman working his third
interest rate and insurance coverage
V8
Ford
Explorer,
causing
.--~=-~~,
day
on the job. Our salesfor all with a multi-car discount.
a
severe
deficit
in
our
man
was very kind but spoke
Whew!
household
budget
under
with
an
extreme accent for
When I was a little girl my parthe line item "gas." Therehis nationality that made
ents traded in the family car every
fore,
the
decision
was
what
should have been short
five years for a new one. Bein~ that
made
that
we
would
look
u
ve·
.
and
concise
conversation
it was a family decision, many times I
for
her
something
stylish,
more
lengthy.
Not
to
mention the
accompanied them on the trip to the
safe
and
roomy
but
with
a
smaller
fact
that
every
time
he
said the word
Buick dealer. I remember it vividly.
engine.
We
did
some
suave,
Internet
"Volvo"
it
sounded
like
"vulva" which
we would meet a salesman,
research
and
the
4cylinder,
Volvo
made
it
difficult
for
me
to
focus on
pick a color, take a test drive, my
S-40
was
chosen.
In
short,
it
took
us
the
task
at
hand.
father would fill out the paper work,
less time to research and choose a
After a satisfying test drive we
we would drive it home, one phone
car
than
to
actually
purchase
the
car.
accompanied
our salesman to his
call would be made to the insurance
The
plan
was
to
trade
in
my
old
glassed
cubicle
and b~gan to answer
company and voila? The new car
clunker,
which
was
registered
and
more
questions
regarding our tideal was done and we were off to the
insured in my name, for the new car
land of "Are we there yet?" and
nances.
that Jennifer would drive and I would
"Don't make me stop this car!" Even
Again we were faced with
begin to drive the Explorer as I don't
in a child's mind, where time often
scrunched foreheads, the national
travel the county hocking houses.
stands still, the process of buying a
sign for confusion, of how it was that
Simple enough, right? I truly
we two women owned a house to,,_,_.,...~~"".""Zl'"T..., believe it would have been easier to
gether and shared bank accounts. I
solve the Martha Stewart Insider
wanted them to stamp "LESBIAN"
Trading scandal than trying to puracross our application just to make it
chase this car as a gay couple.
easier for the loan processing. Not
Upon arriving at the dealership we
only did we have to answer the s~me
played "20 Questions" with the
questions, that we had just five mmsales staff in order for them to understand that we were buying the
(Car Salesman continued on page 4)
Gia Carangi,
Lesbian
Supermodel
so tragically
of Aids, the
pbying
in the
water withwho
another
model. died car and mak'1ng the decision toQueerRamblings issue 30, P· 3
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, P· 3
utes earlier answered for our salesloans since she
man, for the girl in the finance depart- bought the Ford prement, we also had to be lectured and me also making both
chastised by the Credit Manager on
cars registered in her
how co-signing wasn't always
name with only
the wisest decision. How about
the Volvo in my
•name, which I
this? If we were allowed to be
don't even
legally married there would be
no co-signer, the loan would
drive. We had
just be in both of our names as a cou- to have two separate
insurance policies.
ple without us both having to fill out
separate loan applications and give
And forget about
all of our information, that is initially
Jenn's good driving
the same, two separate times to three record spawning a discount
..
each carry your own ink pen
different people!
for me! Also, we were not ~ and be prepared to answer
Needless to say, we survived the eligible for any couple or
~ every question that can posbuying process and the "Vulva" drives family discounts and once
~ • sibly be asked regarding
great! We rested on Sunday and
again found ourselves filling
finances, incomes and bank
began the insuring process early on
out two separate piles of paperwork. accounts about three times each. Or,
Monday. We have a great insurance
So, ladies and lesbians, the les- you can simply order the "LESBIAN"
agent, Caroline Pistole of State Farm. son here is simple. When you begin stamp and hope for the best. u,,.,"""
Caroline has all of our insurance the process of buying a car you need
policies and knows that we are a very to be sure and clear your calendar,
cute, responsible, lesbian couple,
so we anticipated no problems
OUT THERE: BIO
I was born in Havana Cuba and
getting the Volvo insured. And
came
to
the
states
when
I
was
2 years old in 1962 (now you
indeed, compared to buying the
know how old I am) I was raised in Astoria, Queens, NY and
car, we had few. But take a look
lived there until I met Tina and moved to Upstate, NY in 97.
at the list of situations that we
had to resolve because we are
Tina was born and raised in upstate NY, we live in a cute litnot recognized legally as a martle town house with our 3 babies ( our cats) ! I have 4 children
ried couple. The only way we
all grown up who live in NYC and whom we adore dearly!
could receive a multi-car discount
Don't know what else to say about us except we are kinda
was because Jennifer happened
nutty and have the same sense of humor which is very importo have her name on both car
Ir.=========================~
,...._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.,..1tant especially if you are a cartoonist! And I kid you not 90
percent of my material is stuff that has really happened to us
with a few embellishments here and there.
Ip'{ Dl\\'1$ f, ~I\NDt-:tz.'5
D{',.'5f>. MOON
YOU 'DE-f. MP.., NI C..OLE- !'.:,
NOT MY 12-0DMATt '5r\f,'~
Mi LOVf-12,.... MA? ..MP..?
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 4
www.QueerRamblings.com
Ott MY l,,AWD I !(tLLf,D
MY MOH\f-\2.!
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 4
Young woman but
with years beyond told.
Childlike mind, but with a
wise elder's soul.
Massachusetts, born and raised Jamaican heritage,
full of pride and rage
Eclectic, alternative,
and with a sharp wit
Gemini personality and
even a modern Witch
Future in journalism, novels, and poetry
Not surviving this world, but changing it,
you'll see
Life full of changes
and sparkles at every turn
Born D. Alexandria Williams, but known as Glitter
Blind Love
by Glitter
I can't believe I'm going to prison.
__ Damn, I was trying not to think about
it. But it's not like you can really ignore it as
you're on the bus, driving on the highway,
chained to someone you don't even know. I
kept looking out the window, staring at all
the cars, trucks, and mini-vans, wondering
where all those people were going. It was
Saturday; so probably shopping, vacation,
or maybe a road trip to see family in another state. Who knew? They had many
possibilities. As for this bus, everyone who
saw it knew where it was going.
__ My eyes caught a black Cadillac
SUV, and I was immediately reminded of
Dre. She loved her Caddy almost as much
as she loved me. Or how much she claimed
to love me.
__No, no, no. Don't go there, I told
myself. Dre loved me ... I knew she did. No
matter how rough this shit gets, I had to
hold onto that. Because in the end, she
was who I was coming home to. Whenever
I was going to be able to come home.
__"You think that Andrea cares about
you?" The detective had asked me again
and again when they had me in the interrogation room the day I got arrested. "She's
going to let you take the fall for this, Astoria. You are going to go to jail and she's
getting away with it, and she'll take up with
someone else."
__I hc1d just sat there silent, smoking
my fifth cigarette in an hour, my heart
pounding in my chest, but on the outside I
looked calm as ever.
__"Don't be stupid, Astoria. Look at
what you're facing. Up to fifteen years in
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 5
prison. And the state is definitely going to
ask for the max. Are you really going to let
Andrea make you take the fall for this? And
don't say that she isn't in on this, because
we know she is. I know she put you up to
this. She's not going to rescue you, Astoria.
She'll let you take the fall and run . And
you'll be facing all this alone. You are going
to have to stop this yourself."
__ Still silent. I just puffed away, my
eyes trying to picture Dre's face. Dre's comforting, warm, beautiful face. God, I needed
her right now.
__"You are a fool if you don't admit it.
You're going to throw your life away for
someone who won't even remember who
you are this time next month. I hear you
have a wonderful career ahead of you. You
spent years working on making a life for
yourself. And you're just going to throw it all
away." He suddenly slammed his fist on the
table, making me jump in my seat.
"Dammit, Astoria! Admit that Andrea
Walker was the head of this. We know that
you couldn't have pulled this whole thing by
yourself. Only Andrea could have done this.
Why don't you just admit it?"
_ _I had finally turned and looked him
straight in the eye. "I was alone on this. No
one was in on this, but me. Andrea didn't
even know about it."
__ His eyes clouded over in anger and
he stood up. "You're going to go down for a
crime she committed. I hope whatever you
had with her was worth it, Astoria. Because
your future is gone, and so is she."
__ Lies, all lies. Dre wouldn't leave me.
Not like this. She had promised to take care
of me. And I believed her. With all my heart.
_ _But it's hard to believe much when all
you can think of is a tall, nerdy-looking
white man, reading a piece of paper and
saying, "guilty", and knowing that your fate
www.QueerRamblings.com
is sealed. The first thing I had done was
tum around in my seat and looked at my
mother's horrified face. She belted out a
wrenching cry and we had immediately
reached for each other.
__•Just talk, baby." She said quickly.
"Please. I know you didn't do this. This isn't
you. Don't go to jail, just talk. It can't be
worth it, please."
__But with tears in my eyes, I just
squeezed her hand and got to my feet as
the bailiff came for me, handcuffs ready.
The last thing I saw, as they took me away,
was my mother laying her head on my
father's shoulder, crying so hard her whole
body shook. Not cool. You never want to be
the reason your mother cries like that. But I
had no choice; I had to keep stay silent. But
that moment would always haunt me.
__ I watched as the bus finally left the
highway, taking an exit that lead to a dirt
road. After about ten minutes, the building
came into view. The first thing I saw was
the metal fence that surrounded the entire
building. About forty feet tall with barbed
wire on the top. And that's when I broke.
That's when the tears came down and I
realized this was going to be my new home.
My freedom was truly gone.
Countless times I wondered how I got
myself in this mess. Throughout the entire
trial I silently wondered in my seat, trying to
pinpoint the exact time I had decided everything that I had worked for didn't matter to
me anymore. A year ago, I was happy,
graduating college with a BA in fashion
design, and I was the apple of my parents'
eyes. But a year ago, I didn't realize what
true love could feel like. And as soon as
love hit me .. .all hell broke loose.
__ Love is blind. It took me a while to
truly understand that phrase. I think everyone understands it to some degree, but
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 5
{Blind Love Continued from page 5)
until you're actually in love, full realization
and understanding doesn't hit you yet. I
think I kind of laughed at it, like most people do. Come on, love is a beautiful thing. I
could always see myself falling so deeply
in love that I would practically do anything
for the person I loved. But never, in my life,
did I think I would fall as hard as I did.
Have the urge to protect someone so
much. When you realize that nothing matters more to you than the safe, well being
of that person. That taking risks don't matter to you anymore. I fell. I fell so hard that
I got so blind to what love was costing me.
************
_ _ It was my senior year at college, and
I was partying like a madwoman. Graduation was less than a month away, and I
only had to worry about finals that I knew
would be a breeze, and my week vacation
in Jamaica that my parents were sending
me on. I had already landed a job as an
assistant illustrator for a prestigious fashion house. My dorm roommate and best
friend, Anya, and I had already paid and
signed the lease for our new apartment
that would be waiting for us when we
came back from Jamaica. Life was pie as
far as I was concerned. All I was thinking
of was celebrating.
_ _ Friday night, Anya and I were getting dressed for the club, when she suddenly groaned aloud.
_ _"What's wrong?" I asked as I swiftly
lined my eyes in purple.
_ _"I'm out of trees." She said. "Do you
have any?"
_ _ I shook my head. "I thought you had
gotten some more?"
_ _"Ran out. Fuck, I wanted to smoke
before we go to the club." She searched
her bag. "All I got are woods. We're gonna
have to make a stop ok? Let me call one
of my peeps."
_ _ Finished with my make-up, I stood
back and looked in the mirror and smiled. I
had bought a new outfit, black hip-hugging
jeans, a metallic purple corset, and matching purple, heeled boots. My long, light
brown braids were pulled back into a loose
ponytail, and I wore an array of purple and
silver bangles on my arms. I turned to see
my profile, and my big ass jumped out,
loud and proud. I was voluptuous, with no
shame in my game. I loved being thick and
would always be. If you were going to hold
me, you were going to definitely feel me.
__"Damn, girt, that outfit's hot." Anya
said as she came up behind me. She was
dressed in a red lace cat suit, and you
could see the black short panty and bra
set she wore underneath. Her short black
hair was adorned with glittered hair clips,
and she had lined her eyes so they had a
cat-like look.
_ _"Thank you. You too." I smiled, making one more touch up to my lip-gloss.
__"We gotta stop at Danny's." She
said. "He got some. You got twenty dollars?"
__I nodded. "I always got money for
weed, girt."
_ _ It was almost eleven o'clock, so we
finished up quickly and ran out of the room
to Anya's car. Anya grew up a couple of
neighborhoods away, so she knew the
(Blind Love Continued on page 7)
i\ne/t:iina ,) 0 u...,
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 6
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 6
OUT -n-\£.\Z-,f,
,:,y D/\\'l<;'i f. $ANDf-F-$
DP..';)f<. MOON
1$ IT W-UE- T\-\A.T
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YOU I\F-£ J'O!(IN(.,,_J\E-f-..
(,.OOD ONE-. &./W YE.OPLE1N \-\t-LL___ \-\,._\-\1\
n-\f:. WAY YOU 'Pt-O?Lf. C,O
l\!2-0UNP l.~INCs f"0!2£./\C.\-\ OTl-l f-~ ? 1\12-£. YOU
l~ ON. PID Y'Oll
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$(1.Y ~ OM f--n\lNC,.?
/
(Blind Love Continued from page 6)
area like the back of her hand, and we
were flying. In less than ten minutes, we
pulled up in front of a brownstone, and
Anya stepped out.
__"Five minutes or less." She promised then she disappeared inside.
__ I pulled down the visor to check my
lipstick in the vanity mirror, before I lit a
cigarette. When I flipped the visor back, a
black SUV pulled up in front of Anya's car.
The driver side opened, and someone
dressed in all black stepped out. Whoever
it was, wore a hoodie that was over his
head, with a baseball cap that was pulled
down so low I couldn't see his eyes, and
his head was lowered. All I could see was
his full-lipped mouth.
__ I forced myself to look away,
reminding myself to never pay attention
to anything during situations like these.
You never know who's going to notice
that you saw them, and you never
wanted to be a witness to anything.
The best rule to live by was to just mind
your own business.
__ But for some reason I looked up,
just in time to see that he was looking
straight at me, through a pair of sunglasses.
__ Unfair. He could see me, but I
couldn't see him. But in a quick glance
of his body, I realized that he wasn't a
he after all. Tall with a shapely body
that you could see, regardless of how
baggy the clothes were. He was a she.
__ She·suddenly smirked, then
turned to walk inside the brownstone. I
caught myself biting my bottom lip. If
only she didn't have the sunglasses on,
I could have gotten a decent look at her
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 7
face. But I knew that I liked what I saw, so
far. Something about that smile got to me.
_ _ A couple of minutes later, Anya
stepped outside and got into the car.
"Danny is having some kind of party. We
got invited-and I would have said yes,
cuz sometimes Danny's parties can outdo
the club, you know what I mean? But then
the crowd just got kinda hot, so I said
nah."
_ _"What do you mean? Who was
there?" I asked. Someone had to be pretty
bad for Anya to turn down a party if they
were present.
_ _ She just shook her head as she
started the car. "People you don't want to
fuck with, that's all." And I knew that meant
to leave it at that.
_ _We had a great night at the club,
opting to go to one of the few gay clubs in
the area. Since I was gay and Anya was
straight, we would usually split the club
scene down the middle. We'd alternate
nights between straight and gay clubs, but
when it came down to it, we were going for
the music and to just bug out. Both of us
were single and had no one to answer to,
so we'd have as much fun as possible.
Whenever we went to a straight club, I
danced with guys as well. No harm in just
dancing-but I was always honest when I
realized they were getting a bit too attached. And the same went for Anya, who
always managed to land the finest women
whenever she went to a gay club. Like me,
she was always honest, but even she
admitted that she liked her studs, saying
that was her only temptation to bisexuality. Like tonight, for instance; I was at the
bar, ordering a Vanilla Stoli with coke,
when I spotted Anya near the centre of
the dance floor, grinding her ass on a
cute stud, who was wearing all red as
well. Anya sure wasn't acting straight
now, as she looked back at the girl she
was dancing with, holding the girl's hands
on her hips as she gyrated.
_ _ I shook my head, laughing to myself as I took my drink back to where I
was standing earlier.
_ _" 'Sup, Shorty?"
_ _ I turned and faced a person
dressed in all black, and I realized it was
the same girl with the SUV from Danny's.
She had pushed the hood and hat off her
head, revealing a long oval face, cute
button nose, and round cheeks. Her
blondish-brown hair was in micro corn(Blind Love Continued on page 8)
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 7
my hips.
_ _My mystery
woman smiled,
watching me lose
myself to the
music. I felt her
hands grab my
hips and pull me
close, and I
moved with her,
placing an arm
around her neck.
Something about
reggae just makes
you want to act as
sexual as you
can. All of a sudden, you are moving parts of your
body you hardly
paid attention to
before, and whoever you are
dancing with is
the audience to
your solo sexual
tease. And I was
happy with the
audience I had. I
didn't allow myself
to get as raunchy as I knew I could get,
opting to keep some innocence, but I
wanted to overheat her just a little bit.
_ _We danced a few more songs together, until the DJ switched up to Rap
again. Laughing, I stopped dancing and
led her back to where she found me. I
picked up my drink and took a sip.
_ _"You need to learn to behave yourself when you dance." I told her, knowing
the alcohol was getting to me.
_ _•And what makes you say that?"
She asked me.
_ _"You and your busy hands."
-===================== __"You liked
- my busy hands."
_ _ !just
smiled, knowing
•· she was right.
- "Maybe I wanted
to get to know
you better before
your hands got so
,~ busy."
_ _She was
silent for a moment, and I could
tell that she was
sizing me up. In
the silence, I
decided to smoke
(Blind Love Continued from page 7)
rows, and fell down to her waist.
__"Hello." I answered, ready to tum
back around. My heart was pounding in
my chest.
_ _"Didn't think I'd luck out and see you
again." She said.
_ _"What do you mean?" I asked, opting to play dumb instead. Sorry, but I stuck
by my rules.
__"I know you saw me." She lowered
her sunglasses, and my pounding heart
literally froze. She had the most amazing
eyes I had ever seen. Slanted eyes, but
such a strong, clear brown that they
seemed to see right through you. "It ain't
no big deal, but I kinda liked what I saw,
that's all."
__•Just kinda?" I asked, wondering
why I suddenly felt my hands getting
clammy.
__This time, she took the sunglasses
fully off and slipped them into her pocket.
Up close, she was about five feet nine,
maybe ten. Under her clothes, she had a
somewhat thick or muscular body, but she
had shape; you could see she was bigbreasted and thick in the hips.
_ _"Well, you never know if you fully
like something unless you get to try it."
She said boldly. "Feel like dancing?"
_ _As if I was on automatic, I nodded
and let her take my hand as she led me to
the overcrowded dance floor. I didn't think
we would find a place to dance, but a suitable area suddenly opened up for us, and
my mystery woman just pulled me close to
her. Anya and I loved going to this particular club, because the DJ always did a
perfect mix of new and old school Rap,
R&B, and Reggae. And as soon as we
were on the dance floor, "Murder She
Wrote" came on. It was one of my favourite songs, so I lit up and started grinding
A
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 8
www.QueerRamblings.com
a cigarette. She immediately produced a
lighter, lighting my cigarette for me.
_ _"You got a girl?" She asked.
_ _I shook my head. "Not yet. You?"
_ _"No."
_ _"Good." I said.
_ _ She smirked making me remember
what attracted me to her in the first place.
Damn, that smile was hot.
_ _"Give me your number." She said.
_ _I shook my head. "Uh-uh. Give me
yours."
_ _She chuckled. But I watched her pull
a pen out of her pocket and she scribbled
her number on a napkin. "And who shall I
expect to call?"
_ _ I took the napkin, folding it carefully
before I pocketed it. "Astoria.•
_ _"Astoria?" She asked. Then she
smiled. "Cute."
_ _"And who am I calling?" I asked.
_ _ She took my hand, lifting it to her
lips. After the gentle kiss that I could feel
all the way to my toes, she winked at me.
"Dre. Don't take too long to call me." Then
she turned and walked away.
_ _And I stood there, in awe. I watched
as she gave daps to people on her way
out, and realized I wasn't dealing with just
anyone. Just how people seemed to liter(Blind Love Continued on page 9)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 8
our THE-12-£
'oY D,'Wl$ 6,~~/',ND(~$
DA.'01\. MOO!-.!
I jtisl ash ti 1/lhal
timi it "'a5!
(Blind Love Continued from page 8)
ally make room around her. She was special. I patted the napkin in my pocket before going back to the dance floor.
__ I didn't call her for two days. I'm
sorry, but I didn't want to seem desperate.
And I wasn't calling for a full conversation
either. I had a routine that I lived by. If you
get a number, you wait two days before
making the initial call. And you call to just
say hello, verifying the number and the
person you met match. Remind them that
they gave you their number, say a quick
hello, and schedule a time to actually talk.
Ever since I started dating, I lived by this
plan, and it always worked out well for me.
__ Dre was haunting me. Regardless of
whatever I did, I couldn't get those eyes
and that smile out of my mind. I practically
forced myself not to call her the first day,
going to a movie and dinner when I really
wasn't in the mood. The
second day was easier; I
had two finals, and a few
professors I had to speak
with. I didn't make it back
to my room until almost 5
o'clock, and I was practically drained. My head
hurt from thinking too
much, my feet hurt from
running around campus,
and all I wanted to do was
rest my head for a moment before my whirlwind
night of pc1rtying started.
__But as soon as I
stepped into the room,
Dre was the first thing on
my mind. I was in the
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 9
clear; I could finally call.
__The napkin with her number on it
was in my nightstand, and I quickly retrieved it and calmed myself before I
called.
__"Hello?" It was her---1 couldn't forget
that voice anywhere.
__ "Hi, Dre, this is Astoria."
_ _"Astoria? Oh yeah, from the other
night. Didn't think I'd hear from you.
Thought I told you not to take too long to
call."
__"I'm in college, I get busy." I said as
I sat on my bed. Just go through the routine, just say you wanted to touch base,
and you'll call her later.
_ _"Busy girls need some down time." I
heard some rustling on her end, then she
asked, "What are you doing right now?"
_ _"Um, resting. I had some finals today."
__ "You go to Anderson, right?"
__"Uh, yeah ... how did you know?"
__"Meet me in front of the campus
library in one hour. Wear something nice
and warm." Then she was gone.
__ I stared at the phone, hearing the
dial tone and I was in shock. How did she
know where I went to school? Why did it
feel like she had been expecting my call?
And who in the world did she think she
was just telling me meet her without expecting some kind of agreement? Did she
think I didn't have a life? That I could just
drop everything for her?
__ Hell the fuck no. I wasn't some dog
that would just come if you snap your fingers. I wasn't going to let her play me like I
was some punk. My shock turned to anger, and I hung up the phone, laying on my
bed in defiance. She could go fuck herself.
I wasn't about to jump just because she
said so.
_ _I decided to get comfortable, changing into some
sweats, and turned on the small
television Anya and I bought
together. Cartoon Network.
Whenever I wanted to calm
down, I turned on a cartoon and
laughed my troubles away.
_ _But the clock kept ticking.
Loudly. And against my will, my
eyes kept shifting towards to
clock. It was twenty to six.
Twenty minutes. In twenty minutes, Dre would pull up in front
of the library and realize that I
was an independent woman
who did not respond well to
13/ind Love Continued on page 10)
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 9
(Blind Love Continued from page 9)
being ordered.
_ _ Nineteen minutes. She'd realize how
foolish she was to speak to me that way.
And she'd feel guilty and stupid.
_ _ Eighteen minutes. Maybe I'll call her
in a few days. Make up some excuse,
some emergency came up. But she won't
care. She'll be so grateful to hear my voice
that she'd apologize all over the place and
ask me to give her another chance.
__ Seventeen minutes. To believe, she
had the audacity to actually tell me to be
ready. Not even ask. How dare she? Who
did she think she was?
__ Sixteen minutes. Well, it doesn't
matter anyway. Maybe I'm better off not
knowing her. I mean, would you really
want to get with a person that had that
kind of personality? Didn't she realize what
era it was? Women today didn't have to
put up with that bullshit. We deserved
people to treat us with dignity. And just
because she was a woman and a lesbian
didn't mean I was going to expect any
differently.
_ _ Fifteen minutes. I finally screamed
out of aggravation and jumped to my feet. I
ran to my closet, pulling out whatever
suitable outfit I could think of. Nice and
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 10
warm, nice and warm. Wool boot-cut grey
pants, and a black sleeveless turtleneck.
Good, good, good. I pulled out a pair of
black boots, matching purse, and laid out
my makeup before I ran down the hall to
the bathroom.
_ _What was I doing? I should still be
comfortably in my bed, watching television,
and planning my fun night. Not rushing
through a shower at top speed. I washed
everything that was necessary, and halfnaked, ran back to my room to get
dressed.
_ _ Five minutes. I now had mastered
the art of putting on my makeup while
getting dressed. I secured my hair in a
ponytail, grabbed my purse, dumped everything I needed in it, then ran out of my
room.
_ _By the time I made it to the library,
my watch read 5:59pm. I had made it. I
somehow managed to be dressed, ready,
and on time in less than fifteen minutes. I
made a mental note to never, never confess this to anyone I dated.
_ _And at 6 o'clock, the black SUV
appeared out of nowhere and pulled up. I
watched Dre get out, and walk around the
front of the vehicle to where I stood.
_ _"You look great." She said.
www.QueerRamblings.com
_ _ I look great? That's it? No, hello,
thank you for meeting me at such short
notice, none of that? For a split second, I
thought about turning around and walking
back to my dorm.
_ _ But, of course, I just smjled. "Thank
you. You too." I had to admit that she
looked nice. As if we had similar minds,
she wore black slacks, and a grey and
black knit sweater. Her hair had been rebraided, still cornrows, but with these Aztec type designs. Damn, her hair was long.
"So where are we going?"
_ _"It's a surprise." She opened the
passenger side, and helped me up and
inside the SUV. I couldn't help but notice
the Cadillac monogram on the side. "Do
you like seafood?"
_ _ "Yeah, I do." I admitted. Lobster was
actually a big weakness for me. But you
never, NEVER admit your ultimate favourite foods on the first date. Especially if they
are expensive. Your date will think you're
some gold-digger, and unless you are, you
definitely don't want anyone to assume
that about you, or you'll get absolutely
nowhere.
_ _ "Have you ever been to Nina's?"
She asked starting the engine.
_ _ "Don't think so."
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 10
(Blind Love Continued from page I 0)
__"It's wonderful. The best seafood
I've ever had-except for when I was in
the Bahamas."
__"You've been to the Bahamas?" I
asked her.
__ "Yep."
__"My roommate and I are going to
Jamaica after graduation. I can't wait."
__ Dre pulled away from the curb.
"You're a senior?"
__"Yes." I replied. See, ifwe had gone
with my plan, she would have already
known this before our first actual date.
__"What's your major?"
__ "Fashion design."
__She grinned. "No kidding? You like
making clothes?"
__ "Sure do. One day, you will see my
designs on a runway. I will be famous."
She chuckled. "I don't doubt it. You
seem like a woman who knows what she
wants."
__"And how is it that you know that
about me? You hardly know me."
__ Dre just shrugged. "Let's just say I
have good taste. And any woman I like,
has a good head on her shoulders."
__ Good one, good one. She was
smooth. I just nodded and sat back in my
comfy seat. Was this leather? Goddamn,
who was this woman?
__ "So, are you in school?" I asked,
knowing full well she wasn't.
__ She shook her head. "Nah, just
work."
__"What do you do?" I asked.
__ She smiled. "Construction. I love
building houses. And I do other odds and
ends on the side."
__ I just nodded. It didn't add up, but I
wasn't going to pry. I just sat back and
enjoyed the ride.
__ Nina's turned out to be a quaint
restaurant, nestled on the edge of a fishing
town that was about an hour away in the
next state. As soon as we pulled into the
parking lot, my first thought was wondering
how Dre had found it. But as soon as we
stepped inside, I forgot all about that. I
swear to God, ii was like we stepped into
some movie. We were given one of the
best tables, beside a huge picture window
with a view of the ocean. The waitress
seemed to have been hovering near us,
because she would appear as if by magic
whenever we needed her. And Dre was on
point with the menu. She had me try oysters for the first time, which, I have to add
that I didn't want to even look at, at first,
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 11
but I decided to have an open mind and
tried it, and ii was wonderful. The lobster-that Dre insisted I had to order because it
was her favourite as well---was so good
that ii had me in tears. Conversation was
minimal. We discussed the necessities,
but I could tell that she was holding back.
Her mannerisms, the way her eyes
seemed to always be on the lookout. She
was a woman with a lot of secrets. And for
some strange reason, that only appealed
to me more.
_ _After dinner, Dre left the SUV in the
parking lot and took my hand as we
walked along the quiet beach. With the
moon and seagulls as our only audience,
Dre started to talk. I learned that she was
twenty-five and was the middle child of
three, to a single mother who worked two
jobs. Or, I should say, she used to. Once
Dre got on her own feet, she made sure
that her mother, Lorelei, who was now
sickly, didn't have to work again. I asked
about her siblings. Her older sister,
www.QueerRamblings.com
Marlene, lived out in California and didn't
have much to do with the family anymore.
And her younger brother, Antoine, was still
in elementary school.
_ _"If I ever had a child, it would be
him. He's my heart." She confessed. "I
make sure he stays out of trouble so my
moms won't have to endure any more
shit."
_ _ I just nodded. "He's a problem?"
__ She shook her head. "Nah, just
stubborn that's all. A lot like me. But he
won't have the opportunities that I had, so
I look out for him."
_ _"Can't you just teach him what was
taught to you?"
_ _I could feel her stiffen. "He doesn't
need to know all that. Let's just say that
my opportunities aren't for everyone. As
long as he sticks with the books and goes
to college, he'll be alright."
_ _I knew when to stop prying, so I just
changed the subject. By the time we made
(Blind Love Continued on page I 2)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 11
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{Blind Love Continued from page 11)
it back to the SUV, I felt more comfortable
in her company. Somehow, she managed
to open up a bit and let me get to know
QueerRarnblings issue 30, p. 12
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who she was, without really telling too
much. And I respected that.
__ Dre had me back at the dorms before midnight. As I was getting out of the
SUV, she grabbed my hand.
_ _"I want to see
you again." She said
simply.
_ _"I'd like that."
_ _She leaned
forward and gently
kissed my lips, and I
felt my nipples
harden at the contact. With one kiss?
Damn.
__ "I'll call you."
She told me. I had
already given her
my number.
_ _I just nodded
as I closed the door.
As soon as she took
off, I lit a cigarette,
and slowly walked
back towards my
dorm. Something
about her was so
damn attractive yet
mysterious. I wasn't
sure what it was, but
I promised myself I
would soon.
_ _From that day
on, my life was total
chaos-but in a
good way. Shocking
my friends and my-
www.QueerRamblings.com
self, I ended up seeing Dre three more
times that week. Usually, I don't stick to
one person like that. I loved my freedom
and would just date people instead of
inching towards anything exclusive. And
spending a lot of time with one person may
give them the impression that having
something exclusive can be an option. But
for some reason I just really enjoyed the
time I spent with Dre. How I found the
time, I have no idea. Dre was supportive
though. One day, after my last class, I was
heading towards the library to do some
research. I had made plans with Dre earlier, but had to cancel them, because my
professor had thrown the class a curveball
of a last minute assignment. Dre had
sounded disappointed, but had understood. But as I turned the corner to walk
into the library, I saw her SUV parked out
front.
_ _Walking up to the vehicle, I met her
grin with a cynical smile. She was reclined
in her seat, and smoking a blunt of all
things-and in broad daylight. The girl was
crazy. "What are you doing here?"
_ _ She gave a big, dramatic sigh. "I
realized that I couldn't have you just drown
yourself in these musty books studying. No
fun for you and definitely no fun for me."
__ I shook my head as a I chuckled.
"Well, I DO have to study though."
__ She winked. "I know. But I got an
alternative. Hop in."
_ _Against my better judgment, I got in
beside her, snatching the blunt from her
and took my own puff, as she took off. She
{Blind Love Continued on page 13)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 12
(Continued from page 12)
drove me to her loft, which was on the
other side of town. And there, she let me
have free reign on her computer so I could
use the Internet and study. And while I
studied, she cooked dinner for us. And
even had the nerve to go over my research notes to critique them.
__ "And what makes you such an expert on this?" I asked as I cut into my
steak. Damn, she was good. It was like
cutting butter.
__ "Construction wasn't always my
dream, you know." She said as she made
a mark on my paper. "At one point, I actually wanted to be an English teacher."
__ "Well, why didn't you?"
_ _ She shrugged. "Things happen. It's
too late for me now, but at least you can
benefit from my expertise." Then she
winked.
__ Dre was a complete and utter mystery to me. Every time I swore she'd turn
right, she'd go left. A lot of things just
weren't adding up about her. Al first, I
thought she was just some regular Joe,
probably did a little petty crime stuff when
she was younger. She seemed to be like
all the other thugs from the neighborhood-cuz no offense, but male or female, almost all the thugs in our neighborhood
were similar. But then she would initiate
the most intellectual conversations that I
ever had, inside or outside of the classroom. I soon learned that Dre wasn't only
street smart, but book smart as well. On
my many visits to her loft, I found a lot of
English and French literature, poetry, and
sociology and psychology textbooks. I had
no doubt in my mind that she was as intelligent as each of my professors. But for
some reason, she just didn't apply what
she had to make herself better. Not that
she needed to, mind you. But it's not every
day that you meet a construction worker
that will debate with you for over two hours
on the accuracy of George Orwell's book,
"1984". I know professors who haven't
even read the book.
_ _Maybe it just wasn't that she was a
smart woman who still lived around the
ghetto that made her a mystery to me.
Maybe it was how she made me feel. For
the first time in my life, I actually found
myself wanting to spend time with someone ... romantically. As much as I loved
women , they could be complicated sometimes. And
while I was in school, I didn't
want to get distracted with
relationships. Let's go on a
date, have fun, and heck, if
we end up in bed, all the
more better--but definitely
nothing more than that. I saw
Anya's many attempts, and I
just decided I would wait
until I was somewhat settled
in my career before I would
go that route.
_ _But Dre just had me
feeling differently. When I
was with her, I felt like a
princess. She made me feel
alive, important, special, and
down right sexy. Through
her eyes, I saw life a different way. Life wasn't always
the pretty peaches that my parents had
tried to make it be. Life could be cold and
heartless. But if you were strong enough,
you could survive ii. And Dre had accomplished that, and it just made me admire
her all the more. And when I wasn't with
her, I felt empty, sad, and so damn alone. I
found myself thinking about her when she
wasn't around. Wondering what she was
doing, who she was with, if she was thinking about me. I would actually be counting
the days until I could see that damn smile
again. Hell, if I didn't know better, I'd think I
was really beginning to really like this
woman.
_ _And what was even stranger was
the fact that I wouldn't let her touch me.
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 13
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,
(Blind Love Continued from page 13)
Not that I'm easy, but usually if I'm on a
third or fourth date with a woman, we've
already slept together. But for some reason, I couldn't go to that level with Dre yet.
Not to say that she hasn't tried. Oh, no,
Dre can be the most creative person when
it comes to trying to get into a woman's
panties. She was epitome of sensuality.
With just one look, that woman could make
me wet my panties, no lie. And when she
kisses, you feel like you feel like you feel
like you're flying. Every moment is like
gliding on air, feeling the rush wash over
your entire body and you become lightheaded. And there's this edge of danger
that teases your lips, tingling your senses,
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 14
right down to your very toes.
_ _And I amaze myself every single
night that I'm able to deny her. And Dre
always gives this cute, sad puppy look
when she realizes that I'm serious.
_ _"You are a wicked tease." She said
to me one time. "How can you expect me
to remember you're a lady, when you walk
the way that you do? Girl, have you ever
seen your ass? It's a sin itself to want me
to not touch you."
_ _I smiled. "You better try your best."
_ _"You're gonna give in you know. I
can see it in your eyes. You want me as
much as I want you."
_ _I kissed the tip of her nose. "When
the time is right. I promise."
__And she always relented
and never pressured me. I
think, in a way, she loved the
teasing as well. And I had to
admit, I never thought about it
before, but teasing can be a
beautiful thing when you adore
the person.
_ _When my graduation
came around, it was a pretty
much done deal that Dre and I
,. were becoming quite an item. I
was spending most of my time
between school, studying, and
Dre. I wasn't able to really find
•. time for other things.
_ _First, let me say that I
should have seen it coming.
Anyone who has a close friend
should see it coming. Especially if you live with her. You
can't just spend the majority of
your time with someone new
and not have it affect the per-
www.QueerRamblings.com
son you used to spend all your time with.
Yes, I'll admit it; I was an idiot.
_ _ It was a little past midnight, and I
had just walked in from another date with
Dre. I was still a little high, and I could hear
my bed calling for me. I found Anya on her
bed, watching television. When she saw
me, she rolled her eyes.
_ _"Oh, you finally decided to come
home?"
_ _Aw, shit, not now. "What's wrong?"
_ _"What's wrong?" She sat up, crossing her arms under her breasts. "Hello,
Astoria. Do you remember me? Anya
Townsend, your roommate, best friend,
future travel partner for next week. Does
any of this ring a bell?"
_ _ "Yes, yes, yes, what's going on?"
Why, why, why? Anya knew me. She knew
I was high, why mess with someone while
they're high? That's just cruel.
_ _"Astoria, I hardly see you anymore!
You're never around, you run from your
classes straight to wherever, and you
spend all of your free time with Dre •
_ _"So that's it. You think I'm spending
too much time with Dre and not enough
time with you."
_ _"Well, duh!" She cried. "What do you
need, a rock to fall on your head or something?"
_ _I rolled my eyes. "Give me a break,
Anya. Whenever you get serious about
some guy, you're MIA as well."
_ _Anya got to her feet. "This is different. Dre is different."
_ _"And why is that? Why is Dre so
different from the guys you date, except for
the obvious."
_ _ "I just don't trust her, that's all." Anya
(Blind Love Continued on page 15)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 14
_ _"Believe me,
I'm using the right
words." She started
to pace. "Are you
gonna stand there
and tell me that you
don't realize who
Dre is?"
_ _"Besides a
human being, I'm at
a loss."
_ _"Come on,
Astoria! What construction worker do
you know can afford
a brand fucking new
Cadillac Escalade
and a Cadillac Deville in the same
year? Do you see
the clothes she
wears? Or how
about her jewelry?
When was the last
time you saw a
construction worker
wearing iced-out
platinum?"
_ _"So she has
expensive tastes,
that doesn't mean
anything. Some
people do save
money for the things
they really want, you
know? And construction workers
can make good
money."
_ _Anya shook
her head as she
opened a window.
She sat in the chair
before it, and lit a
cigarette. •Astoria,
you are so blinded. I
seriously thought
that you were just
gonna mess around
with her for a little bit
then let her go like
(Blind Love Continued from page 14)
_ _"Independent." Anya muttered.
you do the others. That's why I didn't say
said. "Listen, there are a lot of people you "Yeah, whatever."
anything to you before. But for some reacan hook up with. Why does it have to be _ _My eyes narrowed as I glared at her. son, it's like you don't see what's in front of
her?"
"And what does that mean?"
you, and you're actually interested in her."
__ Now, I was getting upset. "Why not _ _ "Are you a complete idiot or what?" __•Jesus, Anya. Stop with the games
her? Anya, Dre is a wonderful person. I
_ _I could feel my blood starting to boil. and just talk. What is it about Dre that you
like being with her. She's fun, caring, intel- Oh yeah, I had definitely sobered up now. don't like."
ligent, and independent. What more can I "Be careful of the words you use." I said
__ "She's a fucking dealer, Astoria! She
ask?"
(Blind Love Continued on page 16)
through clenched teeth.
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 15
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 15
(Blind Love Continued from page
15)
sells trees."
_ _I just stared at her. "What
do you mean? She sells a little
weed?" I chuckled. "Who fucking
doesn't? Didn't you date Danny?
Isn't Danny one of the people you
buy from? Anya, you yourself sell
weed when we go to the club
sometimes, it's no big deal."
_ _Anya shook her head.
"Danny can't even compare to
Dre. Not even in his wildest
dreams can he compare to Dre."
_ _ I sat on my bed slowly.
"What do you know?" .
_ _ She sighed. "Dre is big. How big, I
don't know, but big enough that she's one
of the biggest suppliers in this city. She's
top shit around here. It's a fucking chain of
command, Astoria, and she's on top. She
got mad heads underneath her. She deals
with various heads, who deal to other
people, who deal to other people. Shit, that
last person supplies to all the small assholes we get our shit from, even Danny."
_ _ "How do you know all this?"
_ _ She sighed. "Danny. I was curious
about how he got started and he told me."
She gave me a pointed look. "But none of
what I say to you can ever leave this room,
okay? He was an idiot for telling me in the
first place, and the only reason I'm telling
you is so you can smarten up."
_ _ I just nodded absentmindedly.
_ _"Honey, that's why I broke it off with
Danny. He was getting to be too much for
me. When you end up dealing so much
Dre.
_ _I didn't waste any time. Not
my style. The next day, I jumped
the gun and took the bus over to
Dre's loft. Graduation was the
next day, I obviously had no
classes and Dre was supposed to
be at work. I don't know what I
, was planning on doing when I got
there. I knew that if Dre truly
wasn't home, I wanted to be there
when she arrived after work. I
didn't want to play any games, I
wanted straight answers.
_ ___;..,___ __ I walked into the lobby of
the building, and took the elevator
that you're actually making some money
up to the top floor. As soon as I stepped
from it, that's when you get hot. Most just out of the elevator, Dre's door opened and
do it so they can smoke for free. Danny's
she stood in the doorway, wearing a tank,
talking about buying a Jetta. Cash. This
boxer shorts, and a robe, smoking a cigatime last year, I had to pay for dinner if I
rette.
wanted to eat out with him."
__"How did you know I was here?" I
_ _ I didn't know what to say. It didn't
asked.
seem possible to me. I mean, if Dre sold
_ _"I could ask you the same thing."
weed, who cared? I smoked weed, so hell- She countered; her voice still had traces of
--perfect relationship right there. But if she sleep.
was as big as Anya said she was it meant _ _ "Can I come in?" I asked.
she could be trouble.
__ She nodded and stepped aside,
__ "I'm not saying she's a bad person." letting me inside. Out of nervousness, I lit
Anya finally said. "Just that I think you're
my own cigarette before I even sat on the
getting in over your head here, that's all.
sofa.
Hell, honey, you may be tough, but deep
__ Dre walked over to the bar that
down you're as innocent as they come. It's separated the kitchen from the living room
too dangerous."
area. I watched her pour a drink. "You
_ _I just nodded, feeling my eyes begonna tell me what's up?"
ginning to water. I wasn't sure what hurt
__"What makes you think something's
most: the fact that Dre didn't even hint
up?" I asked her. My hands were getting
anything about this to me, or the fact that clammy. Why in the blue hell do I get so
(Blind Love Continued on page 17)
Anya was right and I'd have to stop seeing
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 16
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 16
nervous around her?
__"It's almost nine in the morning on
the day before you graduate college. You
have no classes, no appointments, and
you're awake and here on your own." She
downed the shot quickly. "So something's
up."
__ "Do you deal?" I decided to just
come out with it.
__ Dre just stared al me calmly for a
moment, then she ran her fingers through
her braids and sighed. She grabbed another glass, then poured some of the amber liquid into both. She brought the
what I am. This is the only way I knew how
to be successful, and it's worked for me,
and I'm cool with it."
_ _"Don't you want better?" I asked.
"Dre, you are an intelligent woman. You
are so damn talented, why don't you just
do something else?"
__"I ain't gonna change, baby." She
said softly. "Now, I've gone through this
conversation with my mother, and I know
how it turns out. I made my choice a long
time ago, and I'm not changing my mind.
So before you start a whole speech or
something, just save it, please."
__ I stiffened. "Fine.• I got to my feel,
glasses into the living room area, handed
me a glass, then sat down in the easy
chair opposite me.
__ "I haven't known you for very long,"
She began, "but I know that you're the kind
of woman I'd want in my life. I pride myself
on being able to know and surround myself with people I can trust That's how I've
been able to survive this long. I've had to
make a lot of sacrifices in my life. But I
have only one goal that keeps me going.
And that's to make sure that my moms, my
little brother, and I can make it. By any
means necessary. No apologies. I am
setting the glass on the coffee table.
"You've made your choice, and I'm making
mine."
_ _I made ii all the way to the front door
praying she wouldn't say anything. Just
stay silent Dre, and let me walk out the
door, out of your life, and out of any
chance of heart ache I know I'd endure in
the future with you. But as soon as my
hand touched the knob, I heard her slam
the glass on the table.
_ _"I don't get to trust that many people
in my life, Astoria." Her voice was shaking.
"And I've never met someone that I
(Blind Love Continued from page 16)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 17
www.QueerRamblings.com
wanted to trust. I mean really trust. I want
to trust you."
__ I didn't say anything.
__"You wanna hear me say it, Astoria?
That I want you in my life? That I need you
in my life? That as soon as I first lay eyes
on you in that car, I saw how beautiful you
were. And not just because you're attractive, but the person that you are. Baby,
you got this way about you that just hypnotizes me. The way you look at me is like
catching me in this web, and all I want to
do is just hold you, be with you, and take
care of you. I can't force you to be with
me, but I want you to. I've never wanted
someone in my life like this
before, and I do. And it's
you."
__ "And what am I supposed to do? Just ignore ii?"
I asked, still facing the
door, feeling a tear run
down my cheek at her
words. A woman always
wants to hear those words.
And damn her for saying
them before my big exit.
_ _"No. But I want you to
accept me. See me, just Dre,
for who I am. Not what I do."
_ _ Not fair. Not fucking
fair. I hardly knew her. Barely
a fucking month. No fucking
fair that she was able to get
to me like this. No fucking
fair that I could feel this
deeply for her so soon. "You
should have told me."
_ _"I'm not perfect. I
never pretended that I was.
But it's not like I could just
tell you something like that. I
can't just let anyone know
what I do."
_ _I didn't say anything. I
just stared at that door telling
myself to open it. Ordering myself actually.
Just walk out. It's for the best. Anya was
right. This was dangerous territory that I
had absolutely no business in. Astoria, just
walk out that door and don't look back.
_ _I then heard her sigh. And it
sounded so defeated.
_ _Damn, damn, damn.
I don't know what came over me.
But for some reason I turned around and
just looked at her. And for the first time, I
really got to see her. I got to see just how
alone she was. How beaten she looked.
(Blind Love Continued on page 18)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 17
(Blind Love Continued from page I 7)
She wasn't always the tough Dre that she
shows everyone. Right now, she was vulnerable. This was the same woman who
stayed up late to help me write papers,
who listened to me while I worried, who
always seemed to magically be there for
me whenever I called.
_ _And against every voice in my head
that spoke, I walked over to Dre and took
the glass out of her hand. She looked up
at me, just as I lowered myself onto her lap
and placed my arm around her neck.
_ _"I see you." I said softly. "And I ain't
going anywhere."
_ _ Dre wrapped her arms around my
waist and held me tightly, as I felt her body
shake. For the first time in my life, I
watched her cry. She buried her face in my
chest and just cried. I stayed silent and
just held her feeling the tears run freely
down my face as well. I kissed the top of
her head and just closed my eyes. I didn't
know what I was getting myself into, but
my heart was telling me that I needed to
be with her. And for the first time, I was
going to listen. She needed me. And
maybe I needed her too, who knows. But
for some reason we were being pulled
towards each other. And in my heart, this
felt right.
_ _ Dre tipped her head back and
looked at me through her tears.
_ _ "It's too soon, I know. But I feel like I
love you, girl."
_ _ I just nodded. "I feel the same way."
_ _ Our eyes met and it was as if lightening struck. God, it's a sin for someone to
have eyes like that. I could see the need
and lust in her eyes and I knew that she
wanted me. And when her lips touched
mine, I could feel myself start to take flight.
But this time was different. I had this urge
to be as close to her as possible. Damn,
this was it. This was the moment I was
waiting for. I placed her hand over my
breast, and when she pulled her head
back and our eyes met again, I just nodded.
_ _ I let her stand me up, and felt her
hands unbuttoning my dress, and I found
my own hands pulling her tank and shorts
off. I had never had this urgency before.
This need to be touched, to be kissed, to
be caressed. Every time Dre's fingers
touched my skin, it felt like an erotic bum.
We somehow managed to fall onto the
sofa, kissing so hard, my lips felt like they
were going to bruise.
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 18
"imp" by "Jeanine & Ange~
_ _ Dre slid down to the floor, pulling me
to the edge of the sofa as she spread my
legs. She leaned forward kissing my lips
again and I wrapped my legs around her
waist, pulling her close to me.
_ _ Her lips found my neck, and I
moaned at the exquisite feel of it. I was
running my fingers through her braids,
realizing just how wet I was, and how wet I
was making her sofa. Her lips left my neck,
trailing down my chest, until she met one
of my nipples. She let her tongue snake
out and gave my nipple a slow lick. She
then sucked it into her mouth, holding it
www.QueerRamblings.com
gently between her teeth as she gave it
fast licks with the tip of her tongue, making
me moan loudly.
_ _"I want it." She whispered huskily.
"Now."
_ _I sat up, ready to kiss her, but she
pushed me back. She pulled herself away
from me, raising my legs even higher,
resting them on her shoulders. Then she
slid her hands under my ass, getting a
good grip, then she literally lifted my ass
up and off the sofa until my pussy was at
her level. I was only touching the sofa by
(Blind Love Continued on page I 9)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 18
(Blind Love Continued from page 18)
my upper back, but I didn't panic, because
she had a good grip on me. Then I felt her
mouth on my pussy and I just sighed. She
literally devoured me. Her nails digging
into my flesh, I felt her tongue slide deep
into me, and I cried out. She was being so
aggressive with me, at first I thought I
should stop her, but my better half just told
meto enjoy.
__And did I ever. The entire morning
she had me calling out her name. We
made love, then fell away exhausted. At
some point, I realized I was thirsty and had
walked to the kitchen to fetch us some
drinks, when I felt Dre come up behind me
and her lips kissing the back of my shoulders. I felt her hand on my shoulder,
pressing me down, and I bent forward till
my breasts lay on the counter before me.
Then I heard her drop to her knees behind
me, spreading my legs wide, and her fingers were swiftly inside me, filling me. God
this was fucking amazing.
__ "Wider." She said, forcing my legs
even farther apart. Then I felt her lips on
me, and I just closed my eyes relishing in
the feel of this. I never knew that sex could
feel this good.
__ I reached out to grab the other end
of the counter for leverage when I felt Dre
stand behind me. Her hands grasped my
hips, and I felt something being pushed
inside of me.
__"Oh, shit" I moaned.
__ "You like that baby?" She whispered
in my ear. I felt her pull her toy out of me
partway, then push back inside making me
moan again.
_ _"Yes."
__"I can't hear you."
_ _"Yes!"
__ Dre pulled out of me, quickly spun
me around and lifted me on top of the
counter. Just as quickly, she was back
between my legs, and inside me.
__ "I need you." Her breathless voice
said before kissing my neck. I wrapped my
legs around her waist, gripping her back. "I
need you with me."
_I was gasping with every thrust. "Dre •
__She was moving her hips faster, and
I could feel the power in her as she made
love to me. This was not to be a gentle
fucking. I held onto her as tightly as I could
as she pounded into me. Never had I
thought such roughness could feel so
good.
_ _ Dre's lips found my neck, and I felt
her teeth sink into my skin and I moaned
so loud. Suddenly she lifted me away
from the counter, and was supporting me
on her own, practically impaling me. I
was about to cum and I knew it. My nails
were digging into her skin, and I was
biting so hard on my bottom lip I was
probably drawing blood. Everything soon
went hot white as this catastrophic feeling seized my body, and I went rigid. Dre
continued to fuck me hard until I heard
her moaning my name loudly. We
gripped each other, gasping for breath,
until she started to slow down.
_ _ I don't know where she found the
strength, because after an orgasm, I'm
sometimes dead to the world. But with
my legs still around her, Dre carried me
down the hall to her bedroom, where we
fell asleep in each other's arms.
_ _The last thing that Dre whispered to
me before I fell asleep was, "Never leave
me"
_ _And I answered back. "Never."
_ _Was it love? I don't know. No one
has ever been able to explain to me what
love was. Everyone has his or her own
idea or theory, but no one can really pinpoint the exact emotion that love is. Everyone says you'll know when you're in it. And
I honestly felt that whatever it was that I
felt for Dre had to be love. Or at least,
damn near it. I hope it was. Because it
helped propel me to do the unthinkable.
************
(Blind Love Continued on page 20)
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 19
www.QueerRamblings.com
\
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 19
(Blind Love Continued from page I 9)
_ _Guilty, guilty, guilty.
_ _That word will always haunt my
mind. I can close my eyes and just see the
word permanently imprinted. When you
hear that word, and know that it's being
said about you, you can only
hope that you deserve it. I'm
serious. You should only
hear that word if you were
actually guilty. But I wasn't. I
was innocent. But like a fool,
I lied and said that I was. All
for the sake of love. To protect the woman I loved. A
woman who, by all means,
was supposed to be off
limits. But something kept
drawing me to her. Maybe it
was the danger; maybe it
was the excitement of the
unknown, I don't know. But
all I know was that the day I
finally made love to her
nothing was the same again.
_ _ The day of my
graduation was a big one.
My parents were beaming of
course, and when they met
Dre (who I introduced as
Andrea--her real name),
they were charmed by her
just as I was. My father had
loudly echoed my own
thoughts, wondering why
such an intelligent woman
settled for construction, but Dre had just
told him that she had followed her heart
and she made good money. And that was
enough reason for him.
_ _ Watching my baby was amazing.
How she complimented and fawned over
my mother, and how she held competitive,
political discussions with my father. She
was a multi-faceted woman, and even
though I fell for who I already knew she
was, realization hit me that there was definitely more to her that I had to learn.
_ _ "I cannot believe you're still with
her." Anya walked up beside me, while I
watched Dre explain a building structure to
my father. My mother was talking to one of
the other mothers not to far away. Anya
had already taken off her cap and gown.
HELP HER CARRY ON , "Didn't you talk to her?"
,_~--!ii""'"--- • _ _"I did talk to her." I said.
_ _"And?"
_ _I turned to look at her. "I don't
know, Anya. I'm not saying that you're
wrong. I'm probably in over my head.
But I care for her deeply. And I want to
be with her."
_ _ "Are you out of your mind?" She
grabbed my arm and pulled me towards
a tree and away from listening ears.
"Astoria, you cannot stay with this
woman. You are not realizing what kind
of person she is "
_ _•Anya!" Dre called as she walked
NATIONAL LEAGUE towards us. She slipped her arm around
farWOMANS SERVICE my waist and smiled. "What are you and
my girl gossiping about?"
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 20
www.QueerRamblings.com
_ _ "Nothing, baby." I gave Anya a
warning look before returning Dre's smile.
"We're talking about Jamaica, that's all."
_ _"Yeah. Jamaica." Anya took a step
back. "Don't forget, we leave tomorrow,
bright and early. I know you'll want to
spend the evening with
Dre and your family, so
I'll see you back at the
dorms later, okay?"
_ _ I just nodded.
_ _ Anya nervously
smiled at Dre, and then
walked away.
__ Dre kissed my
forehead. "She's the one
that told you about me,
huh?"
__ I immediately
stiffened, not knowing
what to say. Think fast,
think fast. "She's just
worried that I don't know
what I'm getting myself
into, that's all. She's my
best friend, she cares
about me."
Dre forced me to
look her in the eye. "I
won't let anything happen to you. You got my
word. I will take care of
you and protect you. I
swear."
_ _ I smiled. "I know,
_ __. baby. And she'll realize
that soon too. Don't worry. By the time we
come back from Jamaica, she'll be head
over heels for you, almost as much as I
am."
_ _Dre chuckled before kissing me
again. But I could see the look of worry in
her eyes. I knew what she was thinking. If
Anya went off the handle, she could screw
Dre over. And I couldn't let that happen. I
had to get Anya to at least see my side on
this, even if she didn't fully support it.
_ _But Anya had surprised me as soon
I walked into our room that night.
_ _"Listen, don't say anything until
you've heard me out, ok?"
__ I just nodded as I sat on my bed.
__ "I'm not gonna lie. My gut instincts
tell me you are making the biggest mistake
of your life. But I know that love can be
blind, so I'm not going to start a war with
you on this." She lit a cigarette and sighed.
"I talked to Danny for some advice. And
word is that Dre never really had a girl
(Blind Love Continued on page 21)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 20
(Blind Love Continued from page 20)
before. I mean, she dated and shit, but she
never got serious with anyone. He said
that if Dre's serious about you, it's gotta be
a good thing. And maybe he's right. I don't
have all the answers. But maybe you're
supposed to be her savior or something
her conscience, who knows? But I just
want you to keep your eyes open and be
careful, alright?'
__I nodded. "Alright."
__Anya rolled her eyes. "We're girls, I
got your back on this. Don't worry."
__I just laughed and jumped on top of
her, hugging her tightly. "You'll see. Dre is
going to be the best thing that's ever happened to me." And I truly did believe it.
God, what an idiot I was. I had no idea
what was in store for me.
__ But first, the vacation. Jamaica was
the shit! Oh my god. Let me stop to say
that if you are not a skeleton thin woman,
your ass needs to go to Jamaica. Even if
you're not into men, you'll appreciate how
much they appreciate a thick woman.
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 21
Anya and I couldn't go anywhere without
being whistled or hollered at. And the
clubs were off the hook! Our very first night
in Kingston, we went to the Cactus Club,
and danced until we were positively exhausted and drunk off our asses. Every
night we partied in some form or fashion.
And faithfully, every night, I'd call Dre to let
her know I was okay. She always sounded
extremely busy, but made time to speak to
me, telling whomever she was with to
come back later.
__"I hope you're having a great time
and not thinking about me." She said. It
was my third night there, and I was alone
in our hotel room .
.- - "How can I not think about you? I
can't wait to be in your arms again." I said
honestly.
__ "Nah, live it up, alright? You'll never
know when you'll have this chance again."
_ _ "Yes, ma'am." I said giggling. •can
you tell I'm high as a kite?"
_ _ "If you were in Jamaica and weren't,
I'd be kicking your ass as soon as you got
www.QueerRamblings.com
home."
_ _"Yeah, yeah, yeah ." I yawned.
"Mmm, I think it's past my bedtime."
_ _"Why aren't you out anyway? I'm
surprised Anya's letting ya'II stay in."
__"Anya has a date."
__ Dre chuckled. "Are you serious?"
__"For real. We were at the beach this
morning, and she met up with some guy."
__"Your girl doesn't waste any time,
does she?"
__•Anya? Please. When it comes to
dick, she's right on time."
_ _And to prove my point, when Anya
did finally walk into our hotel room at almost three in the morning, she had this
glazed look in her eyes as she carefully
walked to her bed.
__ "You ok?" I asked. She was taking
the most careful steps as if she was drunk,
but I knew she wasn't.
__"Girl, I don't even know." She
flopped down on her bed. "I don't even
know how I walked here."
(Blind Love Continued on page 22)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 21
(Blind Love Continued from page 21)
_ _ I laughed. "Was it that good?"
_ _"Good?" She asked me. "Shit, why
did I sit, I need to pee. Hell yeah, it was
good. Oh my God, that boy had me
screaming, do you hear me? SCREAMING." She got back to her feet and started
for the bathroom. "Every woman should try
Jamaican dick, that's all I gotta say. You'll
never be the same afterwards. It should be
mandatory for every fucking woman to
fuck a Jamaican dick."
_ _I laughed.
_ _"Well, in your case it's different."
She walked into the bathroom. "Maybe
they make straps here or something. Goddamn, if it's Jamaican made, it's gotta be
good. We'll find your ass a genuine Rastafarian-made dildo or something to take
back to Dre. Goddamn, my legs are sore."
Then she closed the door, leaving me
laughing so hard I fell off the bed.
_ _ By the time we got back to the
states, I was refreshed and ready to take
on the world. Anya and I settled into our
new apartment, and I was ready to start
my career.
_ _When I finally started my job, I was
thrust into this fast-paced, competitive
world that really took me for a loop. I had
interned at the company during my senior
year, but the four months of my internship
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 22
couldn't have prepared me for all the responsibilities I'd have. But I loved it. I was
in my element, being creative, sharing my
ideas and designs, and being mentored by
some extremely talented people. Every
time I rose for work in the morning, I literally jumped out of bed, not being able to
wait to start my day.
_ _ Dre was a big driving force behind
me. Many nights, I'd be at her place
sketching while she handled her own business. She'd walk by me, look over my
shoulder, and suggest a change here, a
different cut there, or the use of a possible
fabric. And I had to admit that she did have
good taste and ideas. One day, I walked
into her loft, and found about a dozen bolts
of fabric and a sewing machine in the
room she let me draw in when I needed
quiet. She had just smiled and told me that
I needed to start putting what was on paper, on actual people. It made me work
even harder. I was producing sketches for
my job, and also some that I kept for myself and actually making into garments.
Pretty soon, what I was designing, I was
wearing while I went out with Dre.
_ _ She totally loved showing me off. I
wasn't like the other girlfriends or wives of
the friends she had or the people she did
business with. As chicky as I could be, I
could still watch the game with them, and
www.QueerRamblings.com
understand what was going on. I could
actually participate in a lot of the conversations they had, while the other women
would just sit and talk about the latest
music video or their favorite celebrities. I
could tell on instant, that I wasn't really
accepted by these women. They made me
feel like an outsider, and I had to admit
that I was in a way. I didn't come from their
neighborhood, I didn't know any of them,
and I definitely wasn't used to this kind of
life. I really wasn't like them, but I definitely
wasn't losing sleep over it. But when those
girls found out that I designed, all of a
sudden I was their best friend. They saw
the clothes I wore, and immediately
wanted variations for themselves. And
even though I was initially against it, out of
spite for those two-faced vultures, Dre
insisted that I do it for them. Not only
would it help keep The Bitches-as she
called them, not !--happy, but it gave me
exposure on my own, since the designs I
did for my job were under the name of the
fashion house label. And, as usual, Dre
was right, and I knew it. No matter where I
turned, she always seemed to be looking
out for me, and it was a comforting feeling.
_ _She was slowty starting to let me
into her world. Little by little, she was hiding less and less from me. I learned to
(Blind Love Continued on page 25)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 22
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 23
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 23
Even when I was with someone else
And you was with someone else
And we both placed our seeds of "what ifs" on the shelf
But loving you gave me so much wealth
Now I feel impoverished and torn down
Or rather broken down again
Remaining your friend
Remaining
See I'm too strong to be this weak
Carrying that chain /chain/chain
But you have this amazing power over me
It's true
I'm defeated before I even get the strength to fight
I still do
And I haven't been the same since the first time ever I
What I gotta do
saw your face
Planning a future for me
And you held me tightly in your arms
Moving past your wife and kids fantasy
I'm alarmed
At the fact that after your ex and my ex
But the way you talk to me about those things at times
and misplaced feelings and
makes me confused
I'm skipping down this rainbow
hate
colored road
I am still feeling you
moving ahead trying to live in the
feeling me
present
But you can 't fill that void
My friends say you and I have
that was created the first
this sick obsession
time we separated
But in every emotion I learned a
and I hate the fact that my
lesson
mouth jump started my emoAnd I do need you .. .
tions
But I also need you to grow up
Cause now I'm engulfed in
some tropical ocean
And you need me to trust
I need you to push aside your
Drifting
pride and fears
Sifting through the ravished
And you need me to be satisfied
ships of relations
with what we have here
Hesitation
At th is moment
Depreciation
But at times it feels like it's stolen
Old sensations
How deep is my love?
Empty promises
You have no comprehension
Unfulfilled
Not to mention
I can't feel those actions
Your intervention is vvhat i need
Thoughts of the a picture
perfect future can't bring me
Before I go off and conquer the
Lovelybrown, aka A. Hamilton is a poet and
world and become a "world resatisfaction
nowned, diva, poetic justice InSo I harvest my tears, pain
writer born under the sign of Scorpio. She
and anger
dependent Lady"
writes as a form of mental therapy. Currently
Cause loving you is bitter
But my house is not complete
residing in the Neo-Negro Metropolitan of
sweet
without you
Atlanta, GA/Self proclaimed gay capitol of
At times I HAVE to retreat
But
damn
I'm
too
strong
to be this
the New South. She is 27, single and happy to
Cause I get so weak
weak
be alive. She is currently working on a book
But I'm to strong
But the way that you love me
of poetry entitled, Phases. Please feel free to
Don't get me wrong ... cause
Makes me believe in
contact
her at lovelybrown_75@yahoo.com.
it's not like I'm trying to purge
what under any other circummyself of these feel ings
stance would be abnormal
But I can't keep feeling like this
and unhealthy
I keep singing "Maybe come one day"
We never had the chance to be
Wanting to be your baby
And you're probably the one factor that can make my
Feeling like your lady
equation complete
But our intentions are never on the same page, the
And speaking on love has no real validity
copy has faded and the storyline is shady
without the mention of your name
and a bit to small to read
And I only have my heart to blame
But damn
Loving you is a gift and a curse that I can 't explain
Damn ... I'm too strong to be this weak. *********
It's for you I've breathed
Too Strong
to Be This Weak
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 24
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 24
(Blind Love Continued from page 22)
never question anything that she did. Dre
knew what was best for her, and I just tried
to fit my time in with hers. When she had
to go out of town for a few days, I just
made sure that she ate before she left,
and went shopping and stocked her fridge
while she was gone. And through my busy
schedule, I tried to be available whenever
she needed me. I noticed that around the
end of every month, Dre always took a
three-day vacation. She always looked a
little tense before she left, but would come
back calm as ever. Those days before she
left, I would try to be as upbeat as I could,
making her laugh, trying to get her mind off
of business. And every time she'd look at
me and give me that smirk, I knew I was
doing right.
__ There were days I wouldn't see Dre
at all, and since I was so immersed in my
job, I didn't really take that much notice.
Not until she'd call me up out of the blue,
and take me out for a romantic dinner at
Nina's (which soon became my favourite
place in the world), or to just spend a lazy
evening in just talking or making love.
__ Day after day, I was getting used to
my life with Dre and I think vice-versa. I
soon realized that Dre wasn't really used
to having a girlfriend. She never had to
really share her life with anyone on a personal level outside of her family. I knew
that the girls she dated before me didn't
really take the time to know her and her
family. And, of course, I had to be different. Around the time of our fifth month
together, I finally asked Dre if I could meet
her mother and brother. The look on her
face totally threw me. What I saw was fear.
__ "You want to meet my family?" She
asked.
_ _ I nodded. "Shouldn't I want to?"
_ _ She shrugged. "I'm just protective,
that's all." And we left it at that.
_ _ I soon realized how protective over
her family she truly was. Her mother and
brother had absolutely no clue as to what
she did. They lived a few cities away, and
we took a day and drove up to see them.
As soon as I met her mother, I realized
why Dre felt the need to take care of her.
Lorelei Walker was sick with breast cancer. Around the time she found out her
diagnosis, was around the same time that
Dre had moved out. At first it sounded odd
to me, but then I put two and two together,
and realized that Dre truly did start dealing
once she realized how sick her mother
was. As soon as she could, Dre talked her
mother out of working and concentrating
on getting herself better, while Dre footed
the bills for both her and her younger
brother. Dre had bought the house they
lived in, under the same pretense that it
was rundown and she had fixed it up first
before they moved in. She had even set
up a bank account for Lorelei and Antoine,
so they never had to worry about money.
As long as Dre was careful and never got
(Blind Love Continued on page 26)
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 25
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www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 25
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(Blind Love Continued from page 25)
caught, her family would be okay. I realized how much pressure Dre had on her
shoulders, and that only made me love her
more.
_ _I was now becoming more and more
involved in Dre's life. I had my own little
routine. Usually I spent most nights working at home, but every Wednesday and
Sunday, I'd spend the evening with Lorelei, helping her with this and that, but
mostly to just keep her company. She was
a wonderful woman, always positive, regardless of the diagnosis that her doctors
gave her. She had been through treatments off and on, and had to have a double mastectomy. But she was the typical
strong black mother. She kept after Antoine, making sure he was a good
student, and, I suspected, worried
about Dre more than she cared to
admit. But she seemed to always
have a smile on, despite whatever
happened. And Antoine was adorable. At twelve, he thought he
knew everything, but truly was a
sweet boy. He and I got along
well. We were both into video
games, so Dre and Lorelei would
often find us zoned out playing his
Playstation. Every day I spent
with him, I found myself becoming more
and more attached to him. It got to a point
that whenever I'd come around, he'd
spend every possible moment with me.
_ _"You love my sister?" He asked me
out of the blue one day.
_ _"Yes. I do." I said simply.
_ _ "And she loves you?"
_ _"I believe so, yes." I didn't know
where this was leading, so I wanted to be
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 26
careful with my answers.
_ _ He thought it over for a moment
then said, "Good. Cuz I love you too.
You're cool." Then he went back to his
homework, leaving me in surprised shock
at his frankness, but welcoming the kind of
innocent honesty that only children can
give.
_ _ If I ever had a son, I hoped he would
be like Antoine. He was so inquisitive and
sweet; I just generally enjoyed spending
time with him. I could tell that Dre's idea of
them moving out to the suburbs was a
good one. Antoine was a happy, carefree,
easygoing kid with hardly any worries. Not
like a lot of the kids I knew that lived in our
area, who looked like they lived their lives
like they were ready for war.
_ _And I think that's when
Dre realized I was here to
stay. When our relationship
first started getting serious, I
had this feeling of being
watched, as if I was being
tested somehow. And
slowly, the further our relationship went I noticed little
things happening. The first
thing to happen? Dre gave
me a copy of the keys to the
loft. Now, let me pause for a
moment to explain something. Always be
on the alert when your girt gives you the
key to her place. It almost never means
that she trusts you. It means that she is
testing you. Now you have the freedom of
being able to walk in and out of her domain without her help. Most women will be
stupid and take it as an invitation to spend
even more time at their place. Never,
never start just showing up out of the blue.
www.QueerRambiings.com
One, it means that you're overstepping
your boundaries, and two, your girt will
think you don't trust her.
__ So when Dre gave me the keys to
her place, I just graciously took them,
added them onto my key ring, and
promptly forgot about them. Half the time,
Dre had to remind me that I had the keys
and I could just let myself in if I wanted to
come by, which I would do--but after
clearing it with her first. And I still never
came over without her knowing about it
ahead of time. If I knew she wasn't going
to be there, my ass would be tracking her
down first to call and let her know I wanted
to come by her place. And I always made
sure to never touch her things. I had my
own business to worry about. When I was
there, it was either to sew or to meet her.
No reason for me to start snooping just
because she wasn't there-another mistake a lot of women make once they get
that key. Eventually, about two months
after she gave me the keys, Dre had to sit
me down and let me know that it was okay
for me to come and go as I pleased. That
she trusted me, and it was fine.
_ _I passed.
_ _ Next thing to happen? She left a roll
of money on kitchen counter. I'm not stupid, I know my baby. She does not accidentally forget a roll of bills. And even if
she did, I'm not stupid. I promptly called
her on her cell and just let her know. She
did it twice actually. The second time, it
was a few hundred-dollar bills on the coffee table. I decided not to even call her. I
just sat in the living room and just watched
television. When she came home, she
gave me a kiss, then saw the money on
(Blind Love Continued on page 27)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 26
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(Blind Love Continued from page 26)
the table.
__ 'Why didn't you take it, baby? I left it
for you."
_ _ I just shrugged. "It's not mine, I'm
not gonna touch it. Next time, leave me a
note or message." You go, girl.
_ _ Passed again.
__ Next. She went for the big guns.
She left weed in the bedroom. Just laying
out on the nightstand. I wasn't the most
educated when it came to weighing weed,
but I could pretty much tell by sight that
she had left behind about an ounce. Now,
the reason a lot of people get caught in
this test, is that they will take out "just a
pinch", thinking that whoever left it, won't
notice. Hell no. That's what scales are for.
Never, never, never touch the weed. She
left it on the nightstand, and when she
came back, she found it on the nightstand.
_ _ "You didn't want to smoke?"
_ _ I shrugged. "Wasn't sure if you had
plans for it. But if you want to smoke, I'll
roll." I smiled. A definite way to your girl's
heart, even if you don't smoke yourself:
know how to roll.
_ _Passed again. And this time, I was
in.
_ _ It was about October. I had let myself in with my keys, and practically collapsed on the sofa. I was beat. My eyes
hurt, my hands hurt, my feet hurt, my brain
hurt damn, even my ass hurt for sitting so
long on the damn chair while I was sketching.
_ _"What happened to you?" Dre appeared out of nowhere and planted a kiss
on my forehead.
_ _"Stupid people who want stupid
miracles." I answered.
_ _She chuckled as she passed me a
blunt. "Here, smoke this. You know you're
the bomb, baby. They're working you hard
now, because they know that you're gonna
make it big. You just gotta pay your dues,
that's all."
_ _ "I know, I know, I know." I took a hit.
"I'm just a little overworked, that's all."
_ _She sat beside my head. "We gotta
talk."
_ _ Oh yeah, that got my attention. I
took another hit and passed it back to her,
sitting up. "What's wrong?"
_ _ She shook her head. "Nothing,
baby. But I figured it was time that we had
this talk, that's all."
_ _"What talk."
_ _ She smiled. "The what if talk."
(Blind Love Continued on page 28)
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www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 27
(Blind Love Continued from page 27)
_ _ Nope. I didn't like the sound of this
at all. "What do you mean?"
_ _ She took her time to answer. "I love
you. You know that. And I promised to do
whatever I could to protect you. And I will.
But you know what I'm into, and you know
it ain't safe. And I want to make sure that
you're safe at all times."
_ _"I'm not touching it." I said as I got to
my feet knowing exactly where this was
leading.
_ _"Astoria"
_ _ "Dre, you know how I feel. I'm not
touching it."
_ _ She sighed. "You don't understand"
_ _. "I understand completely. You want
me to be able to protect myself. But I'm not
going there."
_ _"Astoria
_ _"Dre"
_ _"ASTORIA!"
_ _ Silence. I just
stared at her in shock.
She had never raised
her voice to me before.
_ _"Damn, woman.
You act like I want you
to go out there shootin'
people and shit. All I
want is for you to be
able to know how to
use one, just in case
something happens."
_ _"What's gonna
happen?" I asked.
_ _She shook her
head. "I don't know.
And I don't know when.
Any day I can get
caught, baby. Either by
the police or by some ~~~=
ambitious asshole. That's the game I live.
And if you're gonna be with me, you gotta
be prepared."
_ _I walked to the window and stared
out at the street. Dre walked up behind
me, wrapping her arms around my waist. "I
know you're scared, boo. But believe me,
you won't be if you know how to use one.
Okay?"
_ _I just nodded, not saying anything.
_ _"I never wanted to live like this, you
know. Shit, I always thought I'd have a
regular job, married to a fine-ass woman
like yourself, have a couple of kids and
shit. I never pictured my life like this."
_ _"Then why did you do it?" I asked.
"It's not like you didn't have options."
_ _She shook her head. "When my
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 28
moms got sick, I needed money for her
and fast. She didn't have insurance and
she needed chemo. Doctors want to save
your life, but they want their money too.
This is the only way I knew to get the
money quick."
_ _I turned in her arms, facing her.
"Once you were set, why didn't you just
stop?"
_ _She smiled. "You can't just stop
when you make it to where I'm at. Shit, the
dude I took over for didn't just stop."
_ _"What happened to him?" I asked.
_ _ She stared at me in silence. And I
understood.
_ _"I got lucky, baby. Most niggas gotta
work their way up and shit. They gotta
earn a lot of people's trust. Me? I just met
the right guy at the right time. He realized I
was serious and decided to take me under
his wing and shit." She smiled. "I think he
wanted to make some kind of an example
out of me since I was a chick. But I did
right and I earned his respect. And soon,
everyone else's."
_ _"People are afraid of you." I said
softly.
_ _She nodded. "I ain't never asked for
that, believe me. But business is business.
If you show one moment of weakness,
these niggas will run you down in a heartbeat. No joke. If someone fucks with me or
my shit, they gotta pay the consequences."
_ _ It sent chills down my spine to hear
her say these words, even though I understood.
_ _"And you, Miss Thang. You gotta
www.QueerRamblings.com
stay safe. I want you to be able to protect
yourself." Her eyes narrowed and I knew it
meant she meant business. "Understood?"
_ _ I nodded and let her kiss me, even
though my heart was banging in my chest.
__ I think this is when I had my first
doubt. The first time I actually had second
thoughts in the six months Dre and I had
been together. I had thought Dre's other
life wouldn't really touch our life together.
So, it felt safe. I mean seeing a deal here
and there, meeting with some of her contacts, stuff like that was okay. I could deal
with that. But now the stakes were getting
higher and I wasn't sure if I could cut it.
_ _ Dre must have had some faith in
me, because on Saturday, she drove us
out to a friend's house in the country
where we had target practice for two
hours. She had presented me with my own
::::;;;;ii] piece. We decided to keep it
in the loft, nearby so I could
get to it in a hurry if I
needed too. She had raised
the point of my needing
protection if I was out by
myself, but one look from
me and she knew that this
was as far as I would go. At
least for now. By the time
we left the practice range, I
knew all the basics to protecting myself, and another
part of my innocence had
died.
_ _ It was as if I had just
unlocked the door to some
tidal wave, because all of a
sudden there was no more
hiding. Dre would conduct
business in front of me as if
I wasn't even there. I'd be
walking around the loft and see bricks
upon bricks of weed on tables, waiting to
be distributed. Money was flying, people
were talking, and I was the silent one,
sketching or reading, usually minding my
own business unless Dre needed me to
figure something out with her. She knew I
had her back, and she felt comfortable
with that. I was now a part of them.
_ _I was living the lifestyle and I was
getting so accustomed to it. I never questioned a damn thing. When December hit
and my birthday came around, Dre surprised me with a new Volkswagen Jetta.
For Christmas, I got a platinum diamond
solitaire ring. For New Years Eve, Dre took
me to New York City, and we lived it up in
(Blind Love Continued on page 33)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 28
The
Librarian
by Heather Rose
_Heather Rose, subversive
feminist cheerleader, is the editor
and creator of the former grrrly
zine Riot Gone Rose. When not
obsessing over ex-girlfriends, she
is currently working on her first
novel, entitled Auspen. She can
be reached at :
hottieheatherriot@hotmail.com.
Something about that bruise
is turning me on. Wedged symmetrically on a pale plump thigh
between white knee socks and a
loose green jersey dress, it resembles one of those butterfly
inkblots except that it's small and
kind of brown .
She probably got it from working here.
The tables in this library are
so packed and close together
that it's hard to move without
banging into something. Or
someone.
I've never seen this librarian
before. I've been coming to this
library to study with my dorm
mate Kelly for almost a year now.
I'm quite sure that I would have
noticed her- she looks about 20,
the same age as me, and with
her long bright red hair, big green
eyes and her soft, curvy figure,
she stands out among all the
drab, colourless people working
here.
"What the hell! I just don't get
this!" Kelly's copy of
Mrs.Dalfowav goes flying past
me, barely missing my ear.
I chuckle, "You don't get much
lately, do you?"
"Ha ha, like your one to talk."
Kelly sits back, smoothing her
dark brown ponytail to the side
and grins at me wickedly.
Sometimes I wonder why we
never got together, we have been
dorm mates for nine months and
we get along great- there's no
one that I feel more comfortable
with than Kelly. Unfortunately,
though, we're both too romantic,
too into the mystery of it all to
ever consider hooking up with a
known friend. That would be
much too easy.
"Hey, show Virginia a little
respect."
I look up, the red haired librarian is holding Kelly's book. She
places it back down on our table
and gives me a crooked smile
before going back to her bookshelves.
Kelly snorts and mumbles
something that I can't hear because I'm too busy thinking of the
librarian's plump red lips and of
the freckles dotting her nose and
cheeks- hmmm, I wonder where
else she has freckles.
She is bent over now, arranging the books on the lower shelf,
her beautiful heart shaped ass
not very well concealed under the
thin material of her dress. I feel a
tingling in my pussy and my
palms start to sweat as I imagine
cupping that round, juicy ass in
my hands.
"OOOH, somebody wants the
'fire down below'!"
"What?" Kelly's laughter has
snapped me out of my daydream.
"Fire down below. As in redheads. They're usually red down
there too, you know. Well, that is
if they're real redheads- do you
think she is?"
"Shut up." For some reason I
really don't want Kelly talking
about this woman's crotch.
"Come on, Elizabeth, why
don't you go talk to her? She's
pretty cute."
Pretty cute? More like freaking gorgeous. But Kelly's crazygo talk to her? Like it could be
that simple.
"Whatever. Anyway, how was
your date last night?" I'm a
champ at changing the subject.
"Oh, that" Kelly sighs, "Um,
she was nice ... "
"But?"
(Continued on page 30)
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 29
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desk, flicking the lights off and on.
"Well, she was nice but she just "Ten minutes until closing, everyone!"
wasn't Christine."
"Good!" Kelly exclaims, packing
"Oh, you mean she wasn't a
up her books, "I can't wait to get
conceited jerk who treats you like
shit?" Kelly smiles sadly and looks out of here. Want to go get a drink
down at her hands. "I know ... but I or something Liz?"
still can't stop thinking about her."
"I can't. This essay is due MonI reach over and take one of
day and I still have so much reKelly's hands in mine. "It's ok. I
search to do!" I can't believe that
I've spent all this time checking out
called Donna's cell phone this
the librarian's ass when I should
morning just to hear the sound of
her voice."
have been studying. I can't afford
"Oh no! Did she pick up?"
to fail this class. I'm doomed.
"Yep, I hung up when she said
"Excuse me," I look up- it's the
red-haired librarian looking down
'hello'." "I hope you dialled *67."
"Of course."
at me with concern in her dark
Kelly laughs and rolls her eyes, green eyes, "I'm sorry, but I could"Listen to us! We're so pathetic! I n't help overhearing you. I have a
mean, it's been a year since Chris- lot of work to finish up here and if
tine dumped me and at least eight you wouldn't mind helping me lock
months since you and
up afterwards, I'll let
Donna broke up. Do
you stay and study
you think we'll ever get
for another hour."
over them?"
"Really? Wow,
My eyes have
thanks!"
moved back to the
She smiles before
librarian's supple ass,
walking back to her
her red hair is falling
desk, "I don't usually
down her back now
do this, you know."
and her dress has ab- ,
"This is great!" I say
sently hiked itself up
to Kelly, opening
higher- revealing more
back up my noteof those juicy thighs.
book.
I think to myself, "I
"Go for it."
wouldn't mind getting
"What are you talking
over Donna with her".
about?"
The librarian has
Roberta Stokes-Jaque Dupree
"Go for it. She fuckFamily,
stopped shelving and
ing wants you."
(www.lovemakesafamily.org/
is standing at the main
"Whatever, Kelly,
lovemakesafamily/stokes.html)
(Continued from page 29)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 30
www.QueerRamblings.com
she's just being nice."
"Yeah right- 'I don't usually do
this, you know'- she wants you."
I shoo her away with my hands,
"Leave me alone, go home and
call that girl from last night."
"Ok, but I want details." Kelly
winks at me before getting up to
leave.
"Crazy," I mumble to myself,
"She doesn't want me. She's
probably straight. She's just being
nice."
An hour later, after putting all
thoughts of the luscious redhead
out of my mind, I've managed to
finish most of my research and
even have an outline done for my
essay.
Suddenly, I sense someone
standing behind me and my nostrils are filled with the scent of vanilla.
"Time for a little break?"
I stand up, knocking over my
chair, and turn around to face the
librarian. Her full red lips are
parted and look slightly wet as
though she's just been licking
them. Her eyes are hazy and
there's a blush colouring her freckled cheeks.
"I saw you watching me earlier."
What does she have eyes in
the back of her head?
My heart starts beating faster
and I begin to stammer, "1-1 wasn't... I mean, I .. ."
"It's ok, I've been watching you,
too. You're very pretty. Where are
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 30
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Dfl..'6~ 1>1 0(.'N
1e:., ht\lo, I \lave a 90\d fi:1h "'hotn rve had
for a 1~r ow and I !hint he nud!> tnedu.al
,are,..1<i\l he's all bloatM and r,it..l: \ool:,it1.,,
uh huh,,.uh huh ...uh huh,..uh huh.,, thanl:.S
welt?
I
you from?"
Oh God, I hate when people
ask me that question, as if I just
got off a boat yesterday or something when really, I've lived here
my whole life.
"I was born here. My parents
are Canadians too, but their parents are from Japan."
"Mmmm ,. .you have such a
beautiful mouth ... " She leans in
and runs her tongue lightly over
my lips. I pull her to me, my nervousness now evaporated, and
cover her plump red lips with my
own. Her tongue pushes itself
hungrily against mine and I feel her
body quiver with desire. My hands
travel from her small waist, over
her blossoming hips to that gorgeous round ass. I knead the
fleshy mounds with my
hands as she gyrates
her hips gently against
me. She's so soft and
yummy; essay or no
essay, I have to have
her!
With her still in my arms, I push
her gently to the front of the library.
"Sit on top of your desk," I whisper.
She obeys and climbs a top her
workstation, ignoring the piles of
paper and books.
"Hike up your dress", I demand
and she· does; revealing virginal
white panties soaked at the crotch.
My breathing quickens and I think
about what Kelly said earlier about
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 31
redheads. "Take off your panties."
She leans over and slowly removes them, tossing them onto the
floor. I gasp- I don't think that I've
ever seen such beauty. Her pussy
lips are pink and puffy, surrounded
by trim red hair that's just a tad
darker than the hair on her head.
"Now spread your legs wide open
for me." Her white knee socks fall
down to her ankles as I grab hold
of her hips and dive down into her
lush pink pussy. I cover her lips
with my tongue and take in her
juices- she tastes sweet and her
natural scent mingled with her vanilla perfume is making me horny
beyond belief. With my tongue still
on her throbbing clit, I take two
fingers and insert them into her
tight hole- Damn! That's a wet
pussy!
The librarian is moaning
loudly with abandonment,
pulling onto my hair and
shoving her sweetness
deeper into my face. I
grab onto her ass and pull
her up so that I can fuck her with
my tongue. I push it in to herharder, faster and deeper, with
each thrust I can feel her soft
thighs quivering against my face.
Taking my index finger, I insert it
into her ass and she lets out a yelp
of pleasure and starts to come.
Her pussy is coming and coming
all over my already wet face. I
climb on top of her, two fingers still
inside of her, and kiss her passion-
www.QueerRamblings.com
they told me, to 9et
a ne\4 901d fo,h!
ately on the mouth. Her body feels
so warm and moist; I want to take
all of her into me.
She lies back and lets out a
contented sigh. "Oh, thank you,
you don't know how much I
needed that. "
"Mmmm," I whisper, still leaning
over her, rubbing my finger over
her wet lips, "thank you." She
smiles and lifts up my t-shirt.
"What beautiful perky breasts
you have." My nipples are now as
hard as little brown nuts, she flicks
at them with her tongue and starts
unzipping the fly of my jeans.
"Oh God," I moan. I can't believe that this is happening- I haven't been with another woman since
Donna ... Donna ... a million miles
away .. .
The librarian pulls my jeans and
my panties down over my hips and
pulls me up higher on the desk so
that my pussy is above her face.
My whole body is shaking as I
struggle to keep above on my
hands. Her cool wet tongue laps
against my lips and two of her fingers fuck me- at first gently, than
faster and more furiously. I hump
my pussy against her beautiful
face as her fingers pump away
inside me and her mouth hungrily
eats my clit.
She grabs hold of my waist with
her hands and buries her tongue
deeper into me. I feel dizzy and
weak. My body has broken out in
(Continued on page 32)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 31
(Continued from page 31)
a sweat and I'm about to come.
She pumps three fingers in and
out of my throbbing wet pussy.
With each thrust, my cunt tightens itself around her digits.
Running her tongue along
my thighs and over my stomach, she rolls out from under
me and kisses me on the
mouth. I taste myself on her
tongue and she tastes herself
on mine- nothing could be
more delicious.
The librarian stands up and
pulls her dress back down.
"Well, I hope that you were
able to finish that essay of
yours." I'm a little shaken; her
voice has suddenly turned all
business like. She gathers up
the books that have fallen on
the floor and starts arranging
them on the trolley. "We're
closed tomorrow but we're
open late Tuesday if you still
have some studying to do."
Speechless, I zip up my
jeans and stand up.
"Uh .. . thanks ... "
"I still have some work to
finish here but please make
sure to close the door tightly
on your way out."
I put on my jacket and
gather up my books. Numbly,
I cross the library to the exit.
OUT THt(Z.£.
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 32
"Hey, wait a minute!" I turn
around; the librarian takes my
face into her hands and gently
kisses me on the lips. "Thank
you, again," she whispers.
I smile and push open the
door. The night air feels cool
against my skin. I touch my
lips lightly- I can still feel her
kiss.
When I get back to my dorm
room, Kelly is sitting up in bed
waiting for me. "Well?" she
smiles, "How was it?"
I toss my books on the floor
and plop down next to her on
the bed.
"Let's just say, I never knew
studying could be so much
fun!"
****************
Cocoon
© Moonreapr
see bio and picture below
You awakened my sleeping heart
From its slumber within
Turned my life around
Put me in a tailspin.
Feed my desire
That feeds you my love
You fit my soul
Just like a tight glove.
If you love me
You won't set me free
Look into my heart
And tell me what you see.
I foresee
The consuming desire
The love we make,
The passion and fire.
Hold me
Let me into the cocoon
that hides your heart
Let us be one
To never part.
Moonreapr: Artist Bio: 41, Louisiana, intuitive artist. My art is mostly
created in sync with the timing of
crop circle activity. This was discovered by accident when a friend of
mine suggested that I compare dates
ofmy drawings to crop circle formation dates. I also do oil and acrylic painting.
My b/w photography is based upon personal attachments to certain objects.
<moonreapr@cox-intemet.com>
Editor's Note: Moonreapr's artwork was also featured in Issue #31, May 2003
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www.QueerRamblings.com
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 32
(Blind Love Continued from page 28)
a posh hotel like we were born rich . Money
was available to me like you wouldn't believe. Even though I made my own money,
Dre would hand me a few hundred dollars
and send me shopping for a day with Anya
or sometimes, to make nice with The
Bitches. And I think Anya got caught up as
well, because there was never a hint of
argument from her anymore. We had it
made.
__ It wasn't until late January that
things started getting hot. The avalanche
always sends some small snowflakes first
before it hits. And the snowflakes were
starting to fall.
__ It was an ex~eptionally bright day for
January, so I had decided to sketch by the
large picture window in the main part of
the loft, under natural light. I must have
been sketching for about twenty minutes,
when my eyes shifted downward and I saw
a dark red car parked across the street
from the building. I didn't think anything of
it at first, but as I sketched, I realized that I
had seen the same car sitting in the same
spot the day before. I remembered vividly,
because one, I had never seen the car in
the neighbourhood before, and two, Dre
wanted to change the colour of her SUV,
and I thought the red would be nice. I
made a mental note to tell her, and then I
forgot about it.
__Two days later, I'm dragging a bolt
of fabric into the building. I got a little tired,
so I stopped on the top step to take a
breath. I must have looked up for some
reason, when I noticed a glint in one of the
windows in the building across the street.
When my eyes focused, I noticed a person
just standing in the window. I had my wool
cap on, so whoever couldn't see me looking up, but I could tell they were looking
down at me. It gave me an odd feeling, so
I forced myself to continue dragging the
fabric inside. And as I closed the building
door, my eyes, for some reason settled on
the dark red car, which, of course, was in
the same spot.
_ _ About a week after that, after making love to Dre, she went to take a shower,
while I went to the kitchen to fix us some
lunch. I'm naked (like I usually am at her
place), and as I'm walking, I realize that
the drapes to the big picture window were
still wide open. So, I walk over to draw
them shut, and as I close them, that same
kind of glint caught my eye. Keeping the
drapes closed, I peek out through a small
opening, and focused on the window
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 33
across the street from us. Another person
is standing in the same window staring
right at our window, with binoculars.
_ _ Oh God, no. It felt like my heart had
just stopped beating in my chest. No, no,
no, no, no. This wasn't happening. Not
now, not like this.
_ _ My first instincts were to run to Dre,
but I stopped myself. What if I was wrong?
www.QueerRamblings.com
What if I panicked her for no reason? Oh
God, what to do, what to do? So I sat and
thought. It was Saturday. Dre had just
come back from one of her travels the
night before. The boys were going to come
by later that evening to take what was
theirs. If something was going to happen, it
was definitely going to happen tonight.
(Blind Love Continued on page 34)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 33
(Blind Love Continued from page 33)
Every instinct in my body told me something was going to happen.
_ _ Shit, shit, shit! If she got busted, her
mother would be totally heartbroken. And
what about Antoine? The last time we had
visited with her mother, on the way back,
Dre had mentioned the possibility having
to raise Antoine. The cancer had returned
and her mother was getting sick again.
And this time the doctors' didn't seem
hopeful. She had actually talked about
getting out of the game so she could raise
her little brother. She had well enough
money saved. And her mother had already
talked to her about it. If Dre got busied,
who would take care of Antoine once Lorelei was gone?
_ _And at that moment, I made the
biggest decision of my life.
_ _ "I thought you were going to cook?"
Dre's voice broke my thoughts.
_ _ "Huh?" I asked, getting to my feet.
She was fully dressed.
_ _ Her eyebrow rose in amusement.
"Look at you, all naked. You're making me
want to tap that ass again."
_ _I forced myself to smile. "Yeah,
whatever."
_ _ She just kissed my lips gently.
"Don't bother with lunch. I gotta run out for
a little bit, you'll be alright while I'm gone?"
_ _ I just nodded. "I may leave for a little
bit. I have to pick up some things for dinner tonight. Everyone's coming by, right?"
_ _ "Yeah, but you don't gotta cook for
them niggas."
_ _ "Well, it'll be nice to have something
anyway." I insisted.
_ _ She pulled a couple of bills out of
her pocket and handed them to me. "Cook
til your heart's content. You won't get any
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 34
argument from me."
_ _ I just laughed.
_ _After she left, I
quickly got dressed,
© moonreapr
throwing on some sweats
and sneakers. I walked
into my art room and
I am that sky in your heart
pulled out a few bolts of
vast and wide
fabric and unrolled each.
I took a deep breath, and I am that ocean in your soul
went to the hall closet. I
a passionate noontide
felt along the inside wall
carefully until I felt the
little hidden trap door. I
You opened a river in me
pushed it open and there
Where once sat a dam
ii was. Dre's monthly
usual: one hundred
Comes the floods of my being
pounds of marijuana,
This is who I am:
already in bricks, just
waiting. And for the first
time, in a long time I
Waves washing over me
prayed.
_ _ II look me about an Wash over me to drown
hour, and about six bolls The High of You in me
of fabric, to move all the
In you I will never come down.
bricks from Dre's loft to
my car. When I had the
weed in the car, I made
Yes my passion drowns me
one final sweep of the
And I hope to never swim
apartment to make sure
that absolutely nothing
My desire stays constant
was left behind. I packed
Never to fade nor dim.
all of Dre's scales and
guns in my totes. I went
n'I notice anything, but first making a stop
through all her drawers and any phone
at the bridge, to gel rid of all the guns. I
numbers I found, I tore up and packed in
my totes as well--you NEVER throw any- raced back to Dre's as quickly as I could to
set everything back up. When I was finthing away in the trash. II can always be
ished, the first thing I did was take a peek
pieced together and pushed in your face
out the window and that person was still in
later on.
_ _ When I was sure that the place was the window. I breathed a sigh of relief. At
completely clean, I left, driving over to my least I hadn't tipped them off.
place, where I __ By the time Dre walked in, it was
four hours later and I was in the middle of
unloaded
everything and frying chicken.
stashed them __ "Mmm " She kissed my cheek. "That
in my room. I smells good, boo. Those idiots are gonna
be here in about an hour."
had to move
quickly, unroll- __I just nodded. Keep turning the
chicken. Make sure it's even.
ing all the
__She stopped and stared at me. "You
bolls, hiding
ok?"
the bricks in
my closet and __"Yeah, why?" Keep your eyes on the
chicken.
the trunks
__ "You seem a little shaky."
filled with
fabric I kept in __ I shrugged. "I'm not feeling well."
_ _ "What's wrong?"
my room.
Then I had lo _ _ "I think I'm getting sick."
move the bolts __ She placed her hand over my foreback to Dre's head. "Damn, you do feel warm. Why don't
(Blind Love Continued on page 36)
so she would-
Drown Me
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 34
KD, Artist Bio
<KD's work was also featured in the April
2003 issue of QueerRamblings and will be
featured in future issues.>
Cropped by Karen David (KD to my friends),
destined to live a butch life from day one
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 35
By Karen David (KD to my friends), destined to live a butch life from day one.
Well, I was born in Houston Texas and
raised in shake and bake country .... that
would be Los Angeles, California. Growing up, I knew I wasn't like the other little
girls, no matter how much my mother
tried to fit me into that cookie cutter mold.
I never fit in anywhere and I realized later
in life why. I was raised with 3 brothers
and when they got cap guns and holsters
for Christmas, I cried cause I got girly
toys, until my dad finally surrendered and
got me the road race set I'd always
wanted. I've been into art my whole and
can't remember a time when it wasn't. I
majored in art in high school, then went
to college, but flunked out cause I was
told, way back then, that I could not take
any of my major courses for 2 years.
This was back in 1971. I hope things
have changed by now. I then got the
bright idea to go to trade school and major in Architectural Drafting. I thought I
become an Architect, so I then enrolled
at Cal Poly, Pomona. Their program
was totally full so I went by to art. Poly
is not known for it's art dept., but I was
creating stuff and I was happy. I prefer
sculpting and I've been told that I draw
like a sculptor. At the time I didn't realize what that meant, but I do now.
When people see my work, they tell me
how much money I SHOULD be making from it, but I can't do the starving
artist thing. I work a regular job that
pays the mortgage and lets me have a
few toys. *******
http://hometown.aol.com/butchlife/
index.html
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 35
(Blind Love Continued from page 34)
you just let me finish up here and go lay
down?"
_ _ "No, no, I'll be fine. And besides,
you know they like my chicken better than
yours."
_ _"You little bitch." She joked, and
playfully smacked my ass before lighting a
cigarette. "I don't know what I'd do without
you though."
_ _"You'll think of something." I winked
at her. Was I really okay? I felt like my
heart was pounding so loud that she had
to have been able to hear it.
_ _She bit her bottom lip, lust suddenly
the kitchen. I soon heard the normal
sounds of Dre greeting the guys. In about
a half hour, everyone had arrived and I just
stayed in the kitchen, my heart in total fear
of when Dre would realize what happened.
_ _ I didn't have to wait long.
_ _"WHAT THE FUCK!" I heard her
scream.
_ _I could feel myself getting faint. I had
to force myself to sit down al the table.
_ _ "What the fuck is this bullshit!" I
heard something crash and I knew she
was tearing the closet apart.
_ _ "Yo, Ore, what's wrong?" I heard
someone ask.
today. Where's my shit?"
_ _"I don't know."
_ _ "What do you mean you don't
know?" She slammed her fist against the
wall, making me jump. "I checked on that
shit before I left the house. You were the
only person here."
_ _"Baby, I don't know. I was only gone
for a couple of hours •
_ _"Where did you go?"
_ _"To the supermarket to get food.
And I slopped by my place to pick up
some things to sketch •
_ _This time she punched the wall. I
could feel the tears already streaming
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in her eyes. "You ever fucked while you
were sick?"
_ _ "You are positively disgusting, Dre."
_ _She laughed. "You love me though."
_ _And it'll distract her for a while, I
thought. I lowered the heat on the chicken
and let her lead me to the sofa in the living
room area. Every time her lips touched my
skin, I just wanted to cry. In my heart I
knew that this may be the last time I was
able to have her touch me like this.
_ _ But we weren't able to finish. We
had only cum our first time, when the doorbell rang. Dre cursed then got to her feet
while I rushed to get dressed and back into
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 36
_ _"My fucking shit is gone! I just
brought that shit in last night, how the fu
ASTORIA!" I heard her thunderous footsteps on the floor before she walked into
the kitchen.
_ _"What the fuck happened?" She
asked me. Her eyes were clouded over
with anger and mistrust, and I had never
been so scared of her.
_ _"What are you talking about?" I
asked. My voice was sounding hoarse.
Shit, don't tell me I was seriously worrying
myself sick.
_ _ "My fucking shit is gone. You and I
were the only people in this fucking house
www.QueerRamblings.com
down my face. I was so frightened I didn't
know what to do. I couldn't tell her. I just
couldn't. Not yet.
_ _"Tell me you didn't fuck with my shit.
Just tell me, and I'll believe you." She said.
_ _The last thing I wanted to do was
blatantly lie to her, even if ii was for her
own good. But I had no choice. "I didn't•
_ _Before I got to finish, we heard a
crash and then, "This is the police, everyone put your hands up!"
_ _ Dre's eyes widened as she reached
for me, and I just broke down and cried as
I lay my head on her shoulder.
(Blind Love Continued on page 37)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 36
(Blind Love Continued from page 36)
The game was over.
Under the advisement of my parents'
lawyer, I wasn't to have any contact with
Dre at all. I may have been the one that
had the marijuana in possession, but she
was the one that they really wanted. And
any contact between us could jeopardize
my case even worse. Not that it could get
any worse. I plead guilty. Like I could really
plead not guilty when the police found the
weed in my room. To me, it was an open
and shut case, but they didn't want me.
They wanted Dre. It turned out that they
had been watching her for a few months.
And I wanted to kick myself for not noticing
sooner. But at least I had noticed in time
before the raid.
__The looks on the police officers'
faces were priceless. They had turned the
loft upside down, tearing into walls, tearing
up pillows, chairs, beds, sofas--anything
they thought Dre would stash the weed in.
They even found the hidden door in the
hall closet, but of course, it was empty.
They were heated. Eventually, they started
getting rough with all the guys, and then
one of the cops had mentioned getting
warrants for everyone's houses. And in
about an hour, we were on our way to my
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 37
house. I dreaded every step up those
stairs. I dreaded the look of fear on Anya's
face as two officers and I walked into the
apartment. And I dreaded opening my
bedroom door for them, knowing they
would find it all.
_ _ I vaguely remember being read my
rights. I just stayed silent. They asked
questions, Anya asked questions, but I
wouldn't say a word. I just stared blankly
forward as they cuffed me and lead me
downstairs to the squad car.
_ _I had to finally speak, because the
detectives were starting to get on my
nerves.
_ _"What about Anya Townsend?"
_ _"She's not involved."
_ _"How do we know you're not lying?"
_ _ I just shrugged. "You'll have to believe me. Anya didn't know what I was
doing in the apartment."
_ _One of the detectives, Drake, sat
opposite me. He lit a cigarette and handed
itto me.
_ _"Astoria, why are you doing this to
yourself? We all know that you are not
capable of this."
_ _"What makes you so sure?" I asked
as I puffed.
_ _"You have no priors. Honour stu-
www.QueerRamblings.com
dent, good career .. .let's face it. You got
involved with the wrong person. There's no
point in you taking the fall for this."
_ _Silence.
_ _"Did Andrea plant the weed in your
apartment?" The other detective, Anderson asked. "Are you afraid to talk? Astoria,
we can get protection for you."
__That made me want to laugh. I was
safer out there than in here. "I told you
already. Andrea has nothing to do with
this."
__"So what did we walk in on tonight?"
Drake asked. "We heard a lot of yelling
and screaming before we got to the front
door."
__"Have you ever had hungry men
over your house before? Wasn't I cooking
when you busted in the loft?" I asked.
"They get loud often, even in public. You
can dress them up, but you can't take
them anywhere."
__ Drake sighed. "We're tired of this
game, Astoria. Do you realize that you're
facing anywhere between three to fifteen
years in prison?"
__Three to fifteen years? Jesus, my
life was over.
__ He must have noticed the look on
(Blind Love Continued on page 38)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 37
(Blind Love Continued from page 3 7)
my face, because Anderson suddenly sat
beside me. "I understand that you're in
love. But don't let her take advantage of
you like this. All you have to do is tell us
that the weed belonged to Andrea and we
can work out a deal for you. It's your first
offense, it's only possession ... "
_ _"I'm not going to lie." I said. "Andrea
had nothing to do with this. All that's mine."
_ _"Who are your contacts then?"
_ _I smirked. "Like I'm going to tell
you."
_ _ Drake slammed his fist on the desk.
"If you're not willing to help yourself here,
Astoria, we can't help you."
_ _ I just shrugged, infuriating them
even more.
_ _You're probably calling me stupid,
huh? Well, you're probably right. But you'll
do stupid shit in the name of love. All I
knew was that my baby was in danger and
that she needed to be out of it so she
could take care of her family. And I couldn't let anything happen to her. I wasn't
entirely stupid. I knew I was going to go to
prison, but I figured since I was a first-time
offender, I couldn't get the maximum.
Somehow, this had to work out for me.
_ _ I had stopped talking, and when my
parents arrived with their lawyer, I felt like
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 38
my world had totally crumbled. The look on
my mother's face shut me down. And it's
not easy, mind you. Having to lie when you
know it's only hurting those you love. But I
had no choice.
_ _The trial went rather quickly. Two
days. I must have been the very first person in history to plead guilty to drug
charges. The only thing that hitched us
was that the prosecution kept trying to go
after Dre. Trying to get me to admit that
Dre was in on this with me. But I wouldn't.
I said that I had found the contacts at a
rave and had somehow found a way to
raise the money to get the weed so I could
distribute it to people that I knew, who
could make back my money. I had even
lied, saying it wasn't my first time.
_ _The judge wasn't sympathetic. But
she did take in account it was my first
offense and that I had admitted I was
guilty. I was indicted and sentenced to five
years, maximum prison, with possibility of
parole after three years.
_ _ Dre wasn't at the trial. In fact, that
last I had seen Dre was the day of the raid.
I never really had any time to myself, and I
wasn't allowed bail since I dated Dre and
could be a flight risk. So the last time I saw
her, was really the last time. And my one
regret was that I didn't tell her I loved her
www.QueerRamblings.com
before I left.
_ _And here I was now, chained, walking into prison. I'll tell you this: the worse
sound you will ever hear in your entire life
is the sound of that gate closing behind
you. When I heard that heavy thud, I just
gritted my teeth and kept shuffling along,
making sure not to trip on the chains, and
tried my best to keep the tears in.
__ I was stripped. Examined. And whatever modesty and individuality I had was
taken away. Naked, I was given my number, since names didn't matter to them,
and I was welcomed to my new home.
__The first month was the hardest.
Actually, the first day was the hardest. I
had three cellmates, Tina, Corrine, and
Shameka. Tina was in for stabbing some
girt at a party, Corrine was in for grand
theft auto, and Shameka robbed a bank at
gunpoint.
_ _"She thinks she's Queen Latifah or
some shit." Corrine had said.
_ _Shameka flipped her the finger.
"Whateva." Then she hopped up on her
top bunk, walking out of the cell.
__"Watch your ass." Corrine told me
as she pulled her red hair back.
"Shameka's down to be like Cleo too, if
you know what I mean."
(Blind Love Continued on page 39)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 38
(Blind Love Continued from page 38)
_ _I knew what she meant. I could spot
a stud anywhere. But I just waved her off
and lay on my bottom bunk, underneath
Tina, and just closed my eyes and prayed I
could sleep the next five years.
_ _ After a while, you get into a routine.
If you want to survive, you keep to yourself, don't talk back to the guards, know
who not to fuck with, and basically watch
your ass.
_ _ Now, femmes, like me, can be a
prime subject for some major bullshit when
you first get in. Not saying all femmes-but
femmes like me. Dre was proud of the fact
that I was a "lady". I could get rowdy
sometimes, but when it came down to it, I
was extremely feminine and ladylike.
Sometimes too girly. And you can't be like
that when you go to prison. That's asking
for people to jump on your ass.
_ _It took about three days. I was in the
cafeteria, eating some lunch, when this
chick suddenly bumps into me. My first
instinct was to jump to my feet and kick
her ass, but I had to remember where I
was. So I just sat there and didn't move.
_ _"So you're a new fish, eh?" She sat
beside me. Goddamn, she was a burly
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 39
woman. At least six-feet-one and three
hundred and fifty or some odd pounds.
"What's your name?"
_ _"Tori." I answered, taking Corrine's
advice. Pretty names get bullshit responses.
_ _"Tori, huh?" I could feel her sizing
me up and I wanted to cry right there.
Could I really take years of this? "My
name's Rock. If you want to make it up in
here, you'll be nice to me, hear me?"
_ _I finally turned to look at her. "Why?"
_ _"Because if you're not, I can get
nasty with you." Her nostrils actually flared.
Jesus.
felt her move away from me, then a sharp
pain struck my stomach, then again, and
again. The woman was literally kicking me
in the middle of the cafeteria, and no one
was stopping her. I eventually just curled
up to protect what I could, praying for her
to stop.
__Then she was gone. I felt myself
being lifted to my feet and guards helped
me walk back to my cell, where I curled up
in my bed and cried. I had asked to go to
the clinic, but they ignored me, saying I
wasn't in that much danger and to sleep it
off. That's when I realized what I was in
for, and that I really had to face it all alone.
_ _Or so, I thought.
_ _My answer? I picked up my tray, got _ _At the end of my second week, was
to my feet, and walked away. Hell no. Get visitor's day. I knew my parents weren't
as nasty as you want, but I ain't gonna be going to come to see me, so I didn't expect
anyone's bitch. I'll be damned.
anything. But when a guard had come to
_ _ Obviously, Rock was not gonna take the lounge to tell me I had a visitor, I was
that lightly. Next thing I knew, my head
truly surprised.
was suddenly snapped back, and I
_ _I walked outside to where the visitdropped my tray as I fell to the ground.
ing area was, and in the far comer, a
The bitch had a hold onto my hair, and
woman in all pink waved at me. I had no
held me down.
clue who she was, but I was curious.
_ _ "Listen, fish. Don't fuck with me,
__"Astoria?" She asked softly as I sat
hear me?" Then her fists came at me so
down.
(Blind Love Continued on page 40)
fast, I didn't have time to even try to duck. I
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 39
(Blind Lave Continued from page 39)
__ I nodded.
_ _ She smiled. "I'm Ivy. I'm a friend of
Dre."
__My heart literally jumped. My baby
didn't forget me. But I held back. "How do I
know Dre sent you?"
__"She said to tell you that you're an
idiot...but the chicken was good."
__I smiled, wanting to hug this woman
I didn't even know, just out of happiness.
_ _ Concern washed over her face, and
I knew she was noticing my bruises. "What
happened to you?"
__"It's nothing." I said, knowing how I
looked. "Dre sent you? How? Why?"
__ Her eyes darted from side to side to
make sure no one was close by to hear.
"She can't come see you herself. They
have her under surveillance and just waiting for her to fuck up. And she's afraid that
if she comes to you that it'll only make
things worse for the both of you. They are
begging for her to make a wrong move."
__"But she's not going to." I simply
said.
__ Ivy nodded. "She's doing good actually. Everything's all over. She's living a
normal life again. Construction really is her
first love."
_ _I smiled knowing it was true.
_ _"I do have bad news though." Ivy
sighed. "Dre's mother died last week. She
said you ought to know."
_ _"Oh God." I just closed my eyes. If I
had any doubt at all, they were all gone. I
knew I had made the right decision. "And
her little brother's with her?"
_ _ Ivy nodded again. "I guess she and
her mother had some agreement that she
would take him."
_ _"Yeah." I could feel the tears starting
to roll down my cheek. I wanted to be
there for Dre so bad. She needed me.
Right now, she needed me to curl up beside her and just talk to her. I could only
imagine what she must be going through,
having to mourn alone.
_ _"I can't stay too long. But Dre
wanted you to know she hasn't forgotten
about you. That you're still and always will
be number one in her heart, and that she
and Antoine are waiting for you when you
get out." Ivy rose to her feet. She smiled at
me then reached out and lightly touched
my bruised eye. "And we'll see what Dre
can do about this."
_ _We hugged, then I watched her walk
away. It was a meeting of less than five
minutes, but it gave me the strength I
needed. Dre was waiting for me. I had to
survive for that. But as it turns out, I didn't
have to survive alone.
_ _Three days later, I'm in the cafeteria
again. I'm sitting in the far corner as usual,
when I see Rock enter the room. Fuck,
fuck, fuck. I had heard that she was looking for me, and I didn't want to have to
deal with her.
_ _ But, of course, she found me and
made her way over to the table I was sitting at.
_ _"I don't want any trouble." Was the
first thing I said to her.
_ _"Trouble? Oh, hell nah, I ain't gonna
fuck with you." She reached into her
pocket and pulled out two packs of cigarettes and laid them on the table. My
brand.
'These are for you ." She said.
I swear, I looked around, waiting for
the Candid Camera sign or something.
Yes, even in prison. "What for?"
_ _"I didn't know you were Dre's
woman ." Rock said. Were her hands trembling? "If I knew, I wouldn't have fucked
with you. I'm sorry, ok?"
_ _I just stared at her wide-eyed, wondering how the fuck Dre managed to pull
(Blind Love Continued on page 42)
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QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 40
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 40
Photography by Vic Cozy
Picking One Up
by Vic Cozy
Surf Rocks
by Vic Cozy
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 41
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 41
(Continued from page 40)
this one off? Damn, she's good.
_ _"If you need me for anything, just let
me know. I got your back up in here, ok?"
_ _I just nodded, still not able to speak.
__ She nodded herself, then walked
away.
_ _I made a mental note to not only
give Dre the biggest kiss in the world,
when I got out, but to also kiss Ivy whenever I saw her next.
_ _I won't say that my time in prison
was easy. It most definitely wasn't. But
having Rock on your side can make it
somewhat bearable. I did my time
like I was supposed to; I did all my r
duties, I took a trade class in auto
mechanics, and I read like a madwoman, spending as much free
time as I could in their limited
library. The only thing I didn't have
to worry about was my protection,
because Rock made it known that
if anyone fucked with me, they
were fucking with her. And no one
wanted to fuck with Rock, cuz she
was a lifer and had absolutely
nothing to lose.
__ Ivy paid a visit once every
month, keeping me up on what
was going on outside and how
Dre was doing. She was our only
contact with each other. The police had finally taken the heat off
her once they realized she had
definitely gone straight. But we
still didn't want to take any
chances, so we didn't write any
letters and didn't call each other.
But Ivy was good for keeping me
informed. Dre had managed to set
up a legit construction business of
her own, and was making quiet a
name for herself. It seemed that
Ivy was closer to Dre than I had
realized from the conversations
she had, and things she told me.
When Antoine had first entered high
school, I knew that Dre was going to be
beside herself with worry. Ivy regaled me
with stories on how Dre would call her for
advice on how to raise a teenager.
__"How do you know Dre anyway?" I
asked. It was strange, but I was so used to
not asking questions, that it never really
popped into my head before now. But after
two years and five months of being here, I
figured I could ask.
__"Let's just say that she met me when
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 42
I was at my lowest, and helped me better
myself." Ivy replied. "I owe her my life."
_ _"You have kids?" I asked.
_ _ She nodded. "Two. Seventeen
and fifteen. Both boys."
_ _"Can I ask you something?"
_ _"Sure?"
_ _ I lit a cigarette and sighed. This
question had been on my mind for the
longest time. "Does Dre ever date?"
_ _ Ivy didn't say anything at first.
"Um ... I'm not sure if I'm in the position to
say either way."
_ _"I'm not trying to check up on her or
anything." I explained. "It's just that... I
know she has a life out there. And if she
met someone ... I'd understand, that's all. I
can't expect her to wait for me." It's funny,
that I said it aloud, but in my heart if I knew
that Dre was seeing someone else, it
would probably kill me.
_ _ Ivy reached over and took my hand
in hers. "Believe me when I tell you that
you are the only person on her mind right
now. She doesn't have room for anyone
else."
www.QueerRamblings.com
_ _I closed my eyes in a silent prayer of
thanks.
_ _And my time went on. More visits
from Ivy, a couple of letters from my parents. I had started sketching again, which,
at the lime seemed a little hopeless, but
the girls on my cell block got a kick out of
seeing my designs.
"When I get out, I'm definitely looking
you up." One girl, Vera had said. "You're
shitis off the hook."
"You think so?" I asked. It had been
well over two years since I had picked up a
pencil.
Corrine looked over my shoulder.
"Damn, girl. Hell yeah. Hey, put
me on the list too. My ass won't be
in here for too long." Then she
winked before leaving.
Another ray of hope. It got me to
thinking that possibly I could start
up on my own once I got out. As
much as I made a name for myself
in the company I worked for, the
designs I created for myself and
;-.-. / The Bitches, put my names on a
-~.,.~
lot of women's lips in Dre's business. So at least, on the outside, I
could still have a chance. I made a
.,, mental
note to talk to Dre about it
as soon as I could.
Another year had passed, and
before I knew it, I was up for parole.
And I got scared.
_ _ Don't get me wrong. I did
want to get out. I did want to be
free. But I also think a part of me
was afraid to be out. I had
changed. Every day I spent there
chipped a little bit away from me. I
wasn't the same woman who had
first walked in here with tears in
her eyes. Hell, I couldn't remember
the last lime I had even shed a
tear. I would never say I was na'ive
beforehand. Hell no, we all know
that. But prison changes you, whether you
want it or not. If you managed to survive
one day in prison, you're never the same
again. How would I be after three and a
half years of lock-up? What would be out
there for me? I knew my job was gone.
During the trial, I had received a letter that
my services were no longer needed, and
they had shipped my materials home.
Home. Funny.
I no longer had an apartment, since Anya
(Continued on page 43)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 42
(Blind Love continued from page 42)
didn't want to deal with me anymore. And
it surprised me that I never cried over it.
had x-ed me out of her life. I couldn't
blame her really. Since she was in the
Not one single tear. I had just taken the
knowledge, locked it in my heart, and went
apartment at the time of the search, she
had been arrested as well, although even- on.
tually let go. But the experience itself had __ I did get paroled. Oh, please, you
thought I wouldn't? I was a model prisoner.
pissed her off, and she let me go. From
Ivy, I found out that she moved out of
Half of the guards couldn't understand why
state, and no one, not even Danny, knew I was in prison in the first place, and in my
where she went.
last months, they were looking out for me
_ _My parents had visited me only
as well.
twice during my time in prison. I could see But even if I was a model prisoner, and
that they were embarrassed each time, so everyone and their grandma said that I
I never asked for them to come back. My
was a good person, I still had to keep
father wouldn't speak to me, and all my
claim that I was guilty, and had reformed
mother could do was cry as soon as she
during my imprisonment. I had just told a
saw me or heard my voice. Eventually,
partial truth when I faced the parole board.
they stopped pressuring me to tell them
"I realize what I've done, and I realize
the truth, and slowly, they stopped calling it was wrong. I honestly just got caught in
as often, even though the letters stopped. a bad situation. It was stupid. And I ruined
And during the last six months, I didn't
my life for it. But I need to get back on
hear from them at all. Ivy told me that they track. I have a degree that I worked hard
were still around, so I knew that they just
for, and I have a lot of people to make
proud again. The three years I
spent in prison has taught
me a lesson: to think for
myself and do what's right
By Vinnie Valero
for me." I had rehearsed it
well. Little lie here and there,
How I hoped to be here before
but hell ... it got me out.
With this memory of you in my arms
By the time my release hapBlinded by illusion in its place
pened, I was in an emotional
conflict. I had absolutely no
Confused and intertwined within my mind
idea what to expect. All I
Yearning to feel the comfort of your strength knew was that the bus was
As I craved this need of your lips upon mine going to drive us back to the
city, and from then, I was
basically on my own. There
Absorbed instead in the dark
was a halfway house with a
Thinking never to be found
room available to me. I had
All the while longing for this very spark.
my parole officer that I had to
check in with the next mornKnowing all too well lunacy was not mine
ing, and once a week for the
Even if surrounded by its consequence
next six months. Almost everything was planned except
How I hoped you would come along
whatever life held for me.
With this mirror to discount
The night before my release
All the lies of insanity in my design
day, I had walked around the
building, saying goodbye to the
Oh! Look at me now ...
women and girls I had become
friendly with. Rock was the
Celebrating this love and our might
hardest to say goodbye to. She
And the sky on which we fly
admitted that at first, she had
Envisioning how our wings will caress
only looked out for me because
By being ever so close whilst in flight
I was Dre's girl. But after
awhile, she realized what kind
of person I was .
.... Unbound and ever so passionately
"You're a good person. Make it
ALIVE.
out there, ok? Don't end up
back in here."
"There's no reason for me to." I answered her as I hugged her tightly.
She just nodded at me, then walked
away, head down. She was genuinely a
nice person, but like the rest of us, had
gotten stupid at one point in her life. And
sadly she had to spend the rest of her life
in here. It's too bad that there wasn't
someone who had looked out for her when
she first came in. Maybe she wouldn't be
so untouchable. But I guess when you
know that there's no chance to leave, you
just have to survive the way that you know
how. That's all you can do. Survive. With
that in mind, I walked back to my cell to
spend my last night in my barred home.
The bus ride back wasn't much different than when I arrived. I still had no idea
what to expect when I arrived to my destination. My last visit with Ivy didn't clue me
in on anything. I had asked about Dre, and
she had said that she hadn't been able to
get in touch with Dre for a few weeks, so
Memory in Flight
www.QueerRamblings.com
she couldn't even tell her that I had been
granted parole. Chills ran down my spine
at her words. What if Dre was gone? What
if Dre got tired of waiting? What if she met
someone new? Three and a half years
may not be a long time in general, but it
really can be, especially if you have no
contact with the person. I hadn't even
heard Dre's voice in all that time. I didn't
doubt that she'd try to hold out, but there
were so many opportunities for her to be
with someone else, especially if I wasn't
there.
Then, all the doubt started. What if I
did all of this for no reason? What if the
detectives were right, and I was just some
(Blind Love continued on page 44)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 43
(Blind Lave continued from
page 43)
chick to her. True, she had let
me in and trusted me, but you
see all those movies were
gangsters and dealers have
these women that are basically playthings. These
women are temporary and
don't really mean much. What
if Dre thought of me that way?
No, no, no. She had sent Ivy
to me. For three and a half
solid years, she had sent Ivy
so that I had some kind of
contact with her. Why would
she go through all that just to
abandon me? Maybe she
wanted to keep my mouth
shut. Maybe if she thought
that if I knew early on, then I
would confess everything.
She could be long gone now,
and there would be no reason
for me to talk, since I had
already served my time.
I closed my eyes, pressing my forehead against the
window. My stomach was
churning. I was making myself
sick with worrying about all
this shit. I had completely
punked out, hadn't I? What
woman in her right mind gives
up all that she has worked for,
for a person she knew for less
than a year? My life was basically ruined. For the rest of my
life, I'd be known as an exconvict. I couldn't get a job or
an apartment without mentioning it. I was marked for life.
"Idiot." I cursed myself.
"Stupid, na'ive idiot." Everyone
was right, weren't they? Anya,
my parents, the detectives,
my lawyer; all of them were
right. I wanted to cry so badly.
And the closer we got to the
city, the more I wanted to just
disappear. I had done all this
for nothing. Granted, Antoine
wasn't a ward of the state, but
in exchange, I ended up a
ward of the state myself.
"You're in over your head
here," Anya's words danced in
my head. "You may be tough,
but deep down you're as inno-
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 44
hiny by "
"Jeanin
·_& Angel ·"
~
cent as they come. It's
too dangerous." I just
totally let love blind
me. What the hell was
I thinking?
Then I got mad. Mad
that I was such an
idiot. Mad that I had
absolutely nothing out
there. And for what?
Love? What did love
get me? Three and a
half years of my life
taken away. Then my
anger turned to sadness. Complete, total
sadness. I felt so defeated. I had taken the
risk for love and had
ultimately lost.
_ _I didn't even
realize the bus had
stopped until one of
the guards had
screamed my name. I
got to my feet and
slowly stepped off the
bus, carrying my clear
plastic bag full of idle
belongings I had collected over lime. I
recognized the area
quickly. I was about
fifteen minutes away
from where I shared
the apartment with
Anya. That, of course,
was now gone.
_ _I reached into
the pocket of my jeans
and pulled out the
address for the halfway house that I could
stay at. Walking-wise,
it would take me about
a half-hour, which was
fine. That would give
me enough time to
beat some more sense
into my head.
_ _The bus pulled
off, and I turned
around to start my
walk, when I saw it. A
black SUV. Cadillac
Escalade. And leaning
against it, arms
crossed under her
( continued on page 45)
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 44
(Blind Love continued from page 44)
breasts, smoking a cigarette was Dre.
Dressed in all black, her hair in loose
braids, with that smirk on her face when
she realized I had noticed her. She hadn't
changed a bit.
__I didn't know what to do. I just
stood there, feeling the tears start rolling
down my cheek.
__ She casually walked over to me,
then just pulled me into this huge bear
hug, lifting me off my feet. Instinctively, I
just wrapped my legs around her waist,
just as our lips met for the kiss I had been
waiting, for what felt like a lifetime to feel.
__"I've missed you so much." She
said. "You have
no idea."
_ _"Oh,I
don't?" I asked,
sliding back down
to my feet. I
stared into her
eyes, and felt my
heart do that pitter-patter thing.
God, I'd always
love those eyes.
_ _ She shook
her head. "It took
me a while to
understand why
you did it. Then
when my moms
died, it all clicked.
Baby, I owe everything to you .. ."
_ _"Dre ... "
_ _"And don't
you ever, EVER
do any shit like
that again, you
hear me?" She
continued. Tears
were streaming
down her face.
"You gave up too
much for me,
Astoria. Way too
much."
__ I couldn't
stop touching her.
I was gripping her
hands as if she
would disappear if
I let go, leaving
me all alone
again. But I
reached up and
brushed some of
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 45
her tears away.
_ _"You're worth it." I simply said. "I
kept you and Antoine together, just like
Lorelei would have wanted it."
_ _"It was my mistake. I should have
paid for it." She kissed my hands. "Baby, I
can't give any of it back to you. Do you
realize that? I've spent the last three
years, six months, and twelve days realizing that there's nothing I can do to give it
back to you. What you gave up ... " She
stopped suddenly, squeezing her eyes
shut.
"You know, you pray for someone who
will love you unconditionally. Who will do
just about anything for you? But baby, I
www.QueerRamblings.com
never wanted you to ... "
I placed my finger on her lips. "I love
you." That's all that needed to be said.
She just nodded. "I'll never forgive
myself for letting you do this. I'm gonna
spend the rest of my life trying to make it
back up to you. You have my heart, girl.
And anything else that you want or
need ... it's yours."
__"You can start with dinner." I said,
suddenly famished. "Is Nina's still around?
I haven't had anything decent to eat for a
while."
__ She laughed. "Definitely. Besides,
you got some surprises waiting for you at
home."
_ _"Surprises?"
_ _ She nodded.
"Madd surprises. I sold
the loft, by the way. I
decided to keep my
mom's house. No
point in making Antoine suffer any more
than he has to, and
move him from his
school, his friends,
and shit. And the
house is ready for your
creative touch. All of
your things are still in
storage, I saved everything that was at my
place, and I hooked up
the den so that it can
be your sewing room."
_ _ She opened the
passenger door, helping me inside, and in
the backseat, was
Antoine, listening to
music through his
headphones and playing a Gameboy. When
he felt the car move,
he looked up, and a
smile brightened his
face when he saw me.
Oh my god, my little
boy was almost grown.
_ _"Astoria. I
missed you!" Did that
voice come from him?
He pulled the headphones off his head
and hugged me the
best he could in our
position. He glanced at
Dre when she got in
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 45
herself. "Can I stop 'minding my own business' now that she's in the car?"
_ _ Dre chuckled. "Yeah, you can."
_ _"My mom wanted me to give this to
you." He reached into his pocket and
pulled out a small box. "She gave it to me
on her... you know.. .the last day. She said
I wasn't to open it and that it was meant for
you."
_ _With trembling hands, and Antoine
and Dre watching me closely, I opened the
small box, and found piece of paper and
an antique gold locket. When I flipped the
neck. "Looks good on you."
__ I just smiled. The emotions were
getting too heavy, so I playfully punched
her in the arm to lighten the mood. "Are we
going to Nina's or what? Don't you know
you're supposed to feed someone once
they get out?"
__ She chuckled. "Here you go, acting
like you're all big and tough now that you
were in the pen. You gonna be like this
forever?"
__I smiled. "I think so."
__ She returned my smile, and planted
a kiss on my cheek before she started the
day, please?"
_ _"I'm not gonna have you talkin' like
some idiot, ok?" She said. "And what are
you doing with that Gameboy anyway? I
thought you had a book you were supposed to be reading for your English
class."
__"Dre ... • He groaned.
__"Don't 'Dre' me. We already went
through this, Antoine."
__ I couldn't help but smile at their
light arguing, as we sped down the street.
These were wonderful sounds. Family.
That was the reason I had done all this.
top open, there was a picture of Dre when
she was younger, holding Antoine on her
lap. He couldn't have been more than nine
years old at the time. I unfolded the paper
and immediately started crying again at
the words. "My family is now your family. I
know what you did. You're the right
woman for them. Thank you for giving me
peace."
_ _"That's where her locket was?" Dre
asked. She read the note, and I could see
the pain on her face. She just handed it
back to me, taking the locket, and I bent
my head as she fastened it around my
SUV. "Yo, Antoine, when was the last time
you had good lobster?"
_ _"lobster? That's nasty." He said. He
had his arms around my seat, hands
clasped in front of me. I reached up and
covered his hands with my own.
__"Oh, baby brother, you have no clue.
Wait till you try this place. It'll make you cry
it's so good." She pulled away from the
curb and into traffic.
_ _"I ain't eating lobster."
_ _"What did you say?" She asked.
__ He sighed. "I AM NOT eating lobster. Damn, Dre, can I leave school for a
And I knew I had made the right decision.
Now, I'm not saying that what I did was
right for everyone. But for me, it was.
That's just how it goes. You do what you
have to. You do what feels right. And the
consequences never really matter. Especially when you're blinded by love.
(Blind Love continued from page 45)
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 46
www.QueerRamblings.com
THE END
Copyright© 2002. Used by permission of
author. All Rights Reserved.
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 46
be patient with my tiny short locks as they slowly
?ecome my new lioness mane. I have begun compilmg a photo scrapbook as my hair blooms into the
look I desire. I will photograph that moment and
post it to this site. I will rejoice when I look like
rebel sheroe Assata Shakur.
I have longed to wear locks for years. I was urged to
move beyond sincere desire to drastic change by
several recent incidents in my life: I have survived a
betrayal that has left me feeling invincible. I have
mended a broken heart that has made me feel brand
new. I have fallen in love with an independent film
on locks that moves me deeply. It is entitled
"Lockin Up" and it is directed by T. Nicole Atkinby Alicia Banks
son .(For more info, see
www.dreadlocksvideo.com).
I have a dear new
I am 34 years old. Since I was a young girl, until
friend
named
Kim
Dixon,
who
dons perfect locks
today, I have worn Eurocentric hairstyles. From hot
me
proud
to
share
her "do". And, I '
which
make
combs to chemical perms to wigs, I have always
is
an
African
queen and I
have
a
new
lover
who
oppressed my hair. Today, I liberated my hair from
in
her
queendom.
want
to
be
equally
regal
a lifetime of cosmetic bondage via internalized
Collectively, these incidents make me feel strong
white supremacy. I paid a gifted sister to lock my
enough to endure the stares, the ignorance, the rehair.
jection,
the discrimination, the curiosity, the drama
It has been one of the most daring and exhilarating
and
everything
else that comes with wearing locks.
experiences of my life. It is invigorating to feel the
Legendary
reggae
dub poet, gifted actor, and star of
sun and wind on my scalp. It is empowering to look
the
classic
rebel
slave
film "Sankofa", Mutabaas my African soul has always felt. It is thrilling to
in
his
classic rebel song "Witeman
ruka,
said
it
best,
wear my ancient revolutionary politics in my new
country":
"It
no
good
to
stay in a witeman country
rebel hair.
ELOQUENT FURY
REVOLUTIONARY AFRICAN TRUTH
EXPRESSLY FOR RADICAL INTELLECTUALS
WHO SEEK KNOWLEDGE
(****WARNING: HAZARDOUS TO
NEOCON DELUSION****)
COSMETIC
EMANCIPATION
2-21-98
I prefer to wear my hair long; so I am struggling to
BRIEF BIO: Alicia Banks
M~ n~~ is Alicia Banks. I am a native of Chicago,
Illmo1s via somewhere in Africa. I am an afrocentric
activist, a scholar, a corporate trainer, an instructor, a
(cosmetic emancipation continued on page 48)
time, daily, commercial AM radio talk show.
"Outlook" features radical talk for revolutionary intellectuals.
I recently earned a Master of Arts in Interpersonal and
kindergarten teacher, an
· - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - • Organizational Communica~.--~~,tion (Summa Cum Laude
actress, a singer, a DJ, an
author, a radio producer, a
4.0). I have also earned a
film producer, a talk show
Bachelor of Arts in Speech
Communication from the
host, a sister, a daughter, an
aunt, a columnist, a lesbian,
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. I view
a Leo, a warrior, a lover,
and much more...
academia as the last bastion
I am a verbal vessel for
of truth and the only real
haven for afrocentric intellegions of ancient, African,
sister warrior spirits, across
lectual rebels like myself.
oceans of time.
Someday, I may earn a PHD
"Les Chanteuses Afriin African Studies/Gender
caines", my unique radio
Studies and publish an antho logy of my columns. Curexperience, has been a legendary hit since 1989. lt
rently, I am employed as an
features the musical and
instructor and I am seeking a
literary voices of Black
------••
soulmate •••
women with creative, political, and sexual diversity.
Very soon, I will reclaim my
I am the only out lesbian in America to host a prime- radio thrones ••• Stay tuned.
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 47
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 47
(cosmetic emancipation continued from page 47)
too long" ... It is common to be infected with the
poison of white supremacy in a racist country
like America. From cosmetic commercials to
supermodels, from billboards to magazines,
from TV screens to movie screens, and from
center stages to centerfolds, straight hair rules.
It is typical to emulate such bombardment with
the epitome of eurocentric ''womanhood" that
haunts us everywhere, even on the arms of
many of our "brothers".
Renown author and sage Alice Walker is beautiful. And so are her locks. In "Oppressed Hair
Puts A Ceiling on the Brain", an essay in her
classic collection of non-fiction titled Living by
The Word, Alice states:
".. .It occurred to me that in my physical self
there remained one last barrier to my spiritual
liberation. ..my hair.. .It was the way I related to
it that was the problem ...I suddenly understood
why nuns and monks shaved their heads ...I
remembered years of enduring hairdressers,
from my mother onward, doing missionary
work on my hair. They dominated, suppressed,
controlled. Now, more or less free, [my hair]
stood this way and that.. .It never thought of
laying down. Flatness, the missionary position
did not interest it. It sought more and more
space, more light, more of itself It loved to be
washed; but that was it.
Fourteenth
Floor Sunset
by Tara Chen
The sky falls apart
Obvious radial fractures
Of pink
And blue
And gray
Consuming once supportive mountains
And coloring the ashen Sound
Straining
The now defunct water tower
I noticed only yesterday
Above the warehouse
Turned office building
Somehow survives
Keeping clouds at bay
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 48
Eventually, I knew precisely what hair wanted. It wanted to
grow, to be itself, to attract lint, but to be left alone by anyone, including me, who did not love it as it was ... (I was now
able, as an added bonus, to comprehend Bob Marley as the
mystic his music has always indicated he was.) The ceiling
at the top ofmy brain lifted; once again my mind (and
spirit) could get outside myself .. This was the gift ofmy
growth during my fortieth year. This - the realization that as
long as there is joy in creation, there will always be new
creations to discover, or rediscover, and that a prime place
to look is within and about the self That even death, being
part oflife, must offer at least one moment ofdelight. "
My hair has become spiritual and political. I look at my hair
and I feel like I have come home. I stayed away FAR too
long... *****
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 48
The Dance of Love
Little One
By Vinnie Valero
by Tara Chen
Oh! This dance ...
My tongue a useless appendage it has become
For me to bite upon
As my lips struggle to sing along
Before my ears can decipher the music
Yet love's melody hums on and on
Even if with a harmony of its own.
I look down to see the mangled mess my feet have become
While they trip upon themselves
As my toes try to keep up with the beat
Before they have even figured out the step
Still tap tap they carry on wanting to dance and keep time
Only to fall short or behind refusing to catch up.
My arms are a jumbled heap of vines now
As they reach out trying to sway in rhythm
Before they even know which direction to move
Even so, they climb and extend hoping for even a touch
Happy with the handful of air they do manage to clutch.
My pride? Well my pride was checked in at the door
That's the price of admission now days, I was told
For this love is a special dance
And with humbleness and joy
I dance out of step
While I whistle out of tune
Snapping my fingers to the wrong beat
With a smile upon my face
And my conceit at my feet.
my dear
friend and
long-time
contributor
to QueerRamblings:
Vinnie
Valero
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 49
Her little body
Nearly as large as my own
Guides her effortlessly
Into the high
Wafting limbs
Of our backyard
Her laughter carries
The wind
Her little legs
Nearly as long as my own
Propel her down the field
Checkered ball in mind
Courage on her lips
Her little mind
Nearly as strong as my own
Devours whole libraries
No longer in need of my voice
Or presence
On the comer of her bed
To guide through wondrous
Written worlds
She has my Grandmother's
Resilient
Exotic heart
My mother's ceaseless beauty
Her cunning could almost be mine
But that it surpasses
And astounds me
No
Please Goddess
No!
Don't wake me
Not here
Not now
She needs me
And I her
Don't pull me away
From the child I will never have
Let me lie here
To live in this dream until I am gone
Without her
I will surely drown in these tears
*******
www.QueerRamblings.com
QueerRamblings issue 30, p. 49
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1:ou' re mother to\d
me about '{OUr ,ondition
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condiiion, 1his it'irtt a
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"Say, darling, where DID you get that fabulous outfit?'~ .:
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www.QueerRamblings.com/gear_ main.html
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QueerRamblings is
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out that you're a big
lesbo! I am all for
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but your safety is far
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l
Sandra R. Garcia
QueerRamblings Inc.
12800 Florence Blvd
Blythe, CA 92225
(Say, the rumors are all true. I'm moving
to NY next month, but you can use this
address indefinitely. You can always
check on the website for updated info)
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''"tlie'cr~afivity of q1ieer
•use:'hf,thct:ablllldant talent in OU
• ounts of-publications that will fea .
-
{,
amblings. There are purposely no guidelines or restriGr·:,
J;mat: journal entries, .poems, stories, manifesto's'
•
ude your work, I'll send you a free copy.
.•
ubs,cription: $15 for one year or $25 for two ye
. , "e~~Ramblin s subscription would make a great gift'.
HecR:s, ~hd m '
de to QueerRamblings.
S~R.Garcia
• sPit
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4th
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An international publication for
QUEER WOMEN and their many admirers
This magazine features the abundant talent in our
queer community that often goes unrecognized
You have been recommended to me as a queer-friendly establishment and I'd love to include you in the growing number of bookstores that carry QueerRamblings.
QueerRamblings is a monthly publication has been independently
published for over two years. I'm pleased that demand has increased exponentially.
Carrying QueerRamblings in your bookstore is easy. We can
start with five copies per month and go from there. At the end of
six month, I'll send you a reminder to pay for the issues you sold
and you can just recycle the rest.
I trust you would pay 50c for each issue sold at the shelf price of
$1, so there is no need to worry about sending unsold copies back.
I want to make it easy for you so QueerRamblings can continue to
reach the queer community.
SandraR. Garcia
Thanks for your support.
QueerRamblings Publication
Thanks again, Sandy
392 14th St. #IA
Brooklyn,NY11215
Ueer am lllgS.com sandy@QueerRamblings.com
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