HerlandVoice-1993-10-v10-no10_ocr.pdf
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- HerlandVoice-1993-10-v10-no10_ocr.pdf
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CoME
COME
OuT
OUT
Our
A YEAR OF
Mv
IN J\cADEME:
LIFE IN ENID, AMERICA
by Jan McDonald
National Coming Out Day, October 11, is an annual event
recognized by lesbians, gay men and bisexuals and their
supporters as a day to celebrate the process of accepting and
being open about their sexual orientation. Commemorating its
sixth year, National Coming Out Day festivities will be held
across the country encouraging people to take their next step in
the coming out process.
Several celebrities and prominent figures have come out
this year and made it easier for others to take that first step and
come out. ·'When people like tennis greatMartina Navratilova,
singers k.d. Lang, Janis Ian and Melissa Etheridge, media
mogul David Geffen, and former Mr. Universe and Mr. Olympia Bob Jackson-Paris come out, they send a strong message to
those in the closet that coming out and being honest about who
you are is a better and happier way to live,'' says Rob Ei:chberg.
•'Each of us who comes out also has a tremendous impact on
those around us. Closeted lesbian and gay family members who
find out their 'favorite Aunt Sarah or Uncle Jim' is also gay,
immediately adopt a better sense of self worth and optimism
about living a happy and productive life free of the deceit and
shame they face in the closet.. Heterosexuals who find out
family members are gay rapidly learn the negative stereotypes .
they have oflesbian and gay people are false. It's important to
provide them with those role models."
·'Coming out and having a political impact are integrally
linked,'' says Tim McFeeley, Executive Director of the Human
Rights Campaign Fund. •'Every poll shows that American
voters who know a family member, loved one or someone close
to them is lesbian, gay or bisexual support federal protection
against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Coming out to the people who love and respect you is the most
important political act you can do.''
National Coming Out Day is held on October 11 to
commemorate the 1987 March on Washington for Gay and
Lesbian Rights. The march was a milestone for more than
600,000 individuals who attended it and for the community
nationwide. October 11 also commemorates the inaugural visit
of the Names Project (the AIDS Quilt) to the nation's Capital.
The first NCOD was held in 1988 as a positive and proactive statement of pride on the part of the lesbian and gay
community and received media recognition from over 41
mainstream and 58 lesbian and gay publications as well as
attention from the Oprah Winfrey show, USA Today, and
O
National Public Radio.
Volume 10 Number 10
BEING
They knew I was a lesbian when they hired me to be the
Chair of Education at Phillips University in the Spring of 1992,
but I didn't know they knew . I had gone to no lengths to hide
it, but neither had I mentioned it during my three-day interview.
They knew my several trips to Stillwater were to see my partner
Judy who had been hired at OSU the year before, but I didn't
know they knew. Since Phillips is affiliated with the Disciples
of Christ, I was not surprised to be asked about how comfortable
I would be in a church-related institution. But, I must admit that
being asked that question by every individual who interviewed
me, seemed odd.
As I waited back in New York, negotiations regarding my
hiring were bogged down for over a month because of the oncampus debate over my sexual orientation. My references were
called a second time and asked if I had ever done or said
anything to "embarrass" the institution. The debate continued
after my hiring was announced. Several homophobic faculty
members (some of whom subsequently left the institution) had
laid the groundwork for much concern.
The first day of class I always ask students to tell me a little
about themselves in writing. One student wrote: "I'm black,
gay, loud, and proud.'' I was surprised and very pleased to see
her pride and openness. She began frequenting my office to
discuss the course material. Our discussions turned quickly to
issues of sexuality and the possibility of starting a gay, lesbian,
bisexual group on campus. Soon more students began arriving
in my office and the idea of the club became a reality. I spoke
with a few faculty members and administrators. They were
encouraging and not surprised that I was asking. I came out to
them. They weren't surprised about that either. Five weeks
after my arrival, I realized that I didn't have to come out to the
campus community. I was already out. (continued page 4)
In observance of National Coming Out Day, we
asked our readers to share stories oftheir coming out
with us. This issue is devoted to those stories. They
represent the spectrum of coming out from personally recognizing and accepting our sexuality to
living openly and publicly as a lesbian. In a society
where lesbians and bisexuals continually face prejudice and oppression, all are stories of courage. We
offer them with the hope and the challenge that you,
the reader, will find the inspiration to take another
step in your coming out process.
Herlanc' Sister Rr.sources
2312 N.W. 39, OKC, OK 73112
Sr. Sve1L
St. Sybil is an occasional contributor to this space. This
month, much to her astonishment, she received a real query in
a real letter from a real person, and didn't have to compose the
question as well as the answer. Keep up the good work, folks!
Dear St. Sybil,
I want Oklahoma to have a lottery but, can you tell me why
there aren't more lottery winners for smaller sums than one
winner for an excessive sum??? I mean, doesn't that defeat our
purpose for having a lottery and merely corrupt and ruin one
more life? If there's a 20 million dollar pot, wouldn't it benefit
more people and more businesses if there were at least 20
winners?
We want Oklahoma to have a multi-winner kind oflottery,
how can we help make that so?
Sincerely,
Jack Pots and friends
Dear Jack,
I think maybe the real purpose of having a lottery is not to
make a few people really really happy and then ruin & corrupt
their lives, but to raise money for the state in as painless (and
politically safe) a way as possible. Those who favor a lottery
hope that a major portion of the funds raised would be used to
improve the quality oflives of those citizens most in need-your
school children and teachers, for example. (Are you aware that
several of the school buildings in Oklahoma City are not air
conditioned? This is barbaric. Would you be surprised to learn
that most of these schools have a predominantly minority
student body? Neither was I.)
Anyway, back to your question. At this time the lottery is
still only a proposal, and you can have all kinds of input on its
final form. Write the Governor, the Lt. Governor, and your
State Senator and Representative. Write Nickles and Boren and
your Congressman. It is the same as with all legislation you
want to influence: the first thing you do is pick up the phone,
or pick up a pen.
Good luck,
Sybil
Dear St. Sybil,
This month, for Coming Out day, could you bring out some
famous people who we might not know are gay?
Thanks,
N. Quisitive
DearN,
Yes, I could, thank you for asking. I can do almost
anything. Will I do it? Not likely. Tend to your own garden,
Sweetie.
Bye,
Sybil
D
2 Her/and Voice October, 1993
POSTCARDS FROM
PARADISE
Cris Williamson and Tret Fure will be in concert in
Oklahoma City November 18 at the Civic Center Little Theater. Tickets for the performance, which benefits the Herland
Legal Defense Fund, are $25 and $15 in advance. Any
remaining tickets will be $25 at the door. "Tickets have been
in great demand since going on sale on September 18. The
concert hall seats 390 and we expect to sell all of the tickets
before thenight of the concert,'' says organizer Wanda Chapman.
Persons who make a $25 tax-deductible donation to the
Herland Legal Defense Fund with their purchase of a $25 ticket
will be concert "Sponsors." In addition to having their names
listed in the program, they will have the opportunity to meet
with Cris and Tret.
Cris and Tret have just released their first duo album,
Postcards From Paradise, after collaborating in performance
settings and on each other's recordings for the past twelve
years.
Singer/songwriter Cris Williamson is one of the most
successful artists in the independent music industry. She has
performed in virtually every major concert hall in the United
States -- including two sold-out performances at Carnegie Hall
· - recorded 14 albums with Olivia Records, and has sold nearly
one million. Her first album, The Changer and The Changed,
sold more than a quarter of a million copies, becoming one of
the best-selling releases from an independent label.
Tret Fure began writing music at the age of 19 while a
student at the University of California at Berkeley. After
moving to Los Angeles, she worked with Spencer Davis as a
vocalist and guitarist. She has recorded four solo albums, Tret
Fure, Terminal Hold, Edges of the Heart, and Time Tums the
Moon. In 1975, Tret began engineering and producing
soundtracks and albums, becoming one of the first women in
the industry to do so.
The Herland Legal Defense Fund was established in 1992
to assist lesbians who have lost custody of their children. The
Fund is currently working with two lesbian families where
child custody was granted to the father solely on the basis of the
mother's lesbianism. Both cases are being appealed in the hope
that the children will be returned to their mothers and a
D
favorable precedent set.
Rebecca R. Cohn, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychology
Norman, OK
321-2148
Couples,
Individuals, &
Family Therapy
COMING OUT
by Vivien Ng
I used to keep a ''Coming Out'' folder in my file cabinet.
No, I wasn't a closet Edgar Hoover snooping on the private lives
of friends and enemies alike, but I was a collector of all sorts
of essays and articles about the coming out experience. Once
in a while, I would open the folder to pull out an endpiece
written by John D'Emilio called "Professors Owe It to Their
Students to Come Out," and read it over and over again for
affirmation.
D'Emilio was not arguing the position that EVERY lesbian
or gay professor should come out publicly to their students, but
his point was that those who could afford to--those with tenure,
for example--owe it to their students to be out. While I had
always agreed with his position, I did not really appreciate how
right he was until OU' s GLBA students began to tell me how
much it meant to them to see me at their meetings .
... to do nothing is to collude with
homophobes and other hate mongers.
We are not necessarily talking about great feats of courage
here. It does not take much to go to a GLBA meeting. It does
not take much to use an occasional "we" when referring to the
lesbian/gay community. And it takes nothing at all to speak out
against homophobia and heterosexism. But to do nothing is to
collude with homophobes and other hate mongers.
I am not so naive that I do not recognize the dangers
associated with being out. Esther Newton has written a
powerful piece that speaks to such perils, ''Academe's Homophobia: It Damages Careers and Ruins Lives.'' She relates how
she was shoved from behind while ice skating and how her wrist
was broken in three places because of the nasty fall, all because
she was seen holding hands with another woman. While
homophobia in academe is not as overtly violent, it is nonetheless just as damaging: ''It occurs in a privileged context where
hostility is rarely so crudely expressed. But it does break spirits,
damage careers, and ruin lives. Like my attacker at the skating
rink, homophobia among academics is usually a sneak. It
strikes in closed-door meetings of tenure-review and promotion committees and in secret letters of recommendation.
Rejection and denial are almost al ways attributed to the victim's
alleged personal and intellectual shortcomings.''
Newton's career indeed suffered because she is a lesbian,
but, in the final analysis, she has no regrets about being out: ''I
have been held back, paid less, disrespected by many people.
More profoundly, homophobia has forced me to define my life
by its imperatives. Without it, I would not identify so strongly
with other homosexuals. My work might have been on
paleolithic arrowheads instead of on people who are marginal and different. Although the kind of writing and teaching
I do best--interdisciplinary, controversial--has been scorned by
some colleagues, it has gained me the respect of others, and the
admiration of students. I have found my intellectual voice in
the silence society has tried to impose on me.''
I am comfortable with being out. I wish more of my
colleagues were out. I used to regard myself as morally superior
to those who remain in the closet, until I read Audre Lorde and
learned the lesson of empathy: "[I]f I fail to recognize ... the
woman who remains closeted because her homophobic community is her only life support, the woman who chooses silence
instead of another death .. .if I fail to recognize them as other
faces of myself, then I am contributing not only to each of their
oppressions but also to my own .... ''
We do owe it to our students to come out, but we should do
it on our own terms, according to our own timetable. To do
otherwise denies us our self-determination, and thus defeats
the very meaning of coming out.
0
TAKING THE NEXT STEP
SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR OBSERVING NATIONAL
COMING Our DAY
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
Say the word lesbian out loud.
Say the word lesbian out loud in a public place.
Tell someone you love that you are a lesbian.
Wear a Lesbian Pride button to work.
Invite your parents, brother, sister, co-worker over to
your house without "de-dyking" it.
Put your lover's picture on your desk at work.
If you hear a derogatory lesbian joke -- don't laugh.
Write a letter to the producers of your favorite TV
show asking them to include positive lesbian
characters.
Read a novel or non-fiction work about lesbians.
Check out a book from the library with the word
lesbian in the title. If you can't find one, ask the library
to include books by and about lesbians.
Join the women of Herland, the women and men of
Simply Equal and OGLPC at 7 P.M. on Wednesday
night, October 13, at the Spaghetti Warehouse to
celebrate our coming out.
These are just a few suggestions of ways to come out
a little further. Whatever you do for National Coming
Out Day, the important thing is to take pride in yourself
and your community.
0
2109 S. AiR DEpOT
Midwm Ciry, OK
110
(40 5 )7 H -04 9 6
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AiR DEpo1 ANiMAl Hospi1Al
CAll foR AppoiNTMENT
JOY HUSKA, D.Y. M.
Her/and Voice October, 1993
3
Our IN
ACADEME
(continued from page 1)
With the help of Oklahoma State's GLBCA, a group of 57 Phillips students and Enid residents wrote a constitution and
presented it to the Phillips Student Senate. To our shock, our
proposal for a group passed unanimously after extremely
limited debate. When the student newspaper announced the
group's existence, the local paper, the Enid News and Eagle
picked up the story and called me for an interview. The next
day (Friday, October 30th), the paper's front page headline read
"Gay, lesbian support group formed at Phillips University."
The article described the purpose of the group (which we called
Perspectives) through interviews with me, our club president,
and our community liaison. Each of us also confirmed how
pleased (though surprised) we were to find the campus to be so
open. An Associate Professor at Phillips Theological Seminary
was interviewed and noted the ''mixed opinions of church
members" on the issue of homosexuality. He added though,
that those opinions had no bearing on the formation of the
group. He said that "differences of opinion are allowed in the
denomination" and that even "though people can radically
disagree," the "overriding perspective of the denomination"
is to ''seek to bring about unity in the face of diversity.'' He
mentioned that there was a gay and lesbian support group "at
the denomination's national level'' which had the support of ••a
number of congregations.'' The director of public relations
was also interviewed for the article. He denied a rumor that a
member of the Board of Trustees had threatened to resign
because of the new club.
The newspaper coverage outraged a group of faculty, staff,
and students who felt that the article portrayed a false perception that the entire university community supported the club.
The group quickly organized a day on campus to ·'Reaffirm
Romans 1:24-27.'' Fliers announcing the meeting covered the
campus, and the Friday after the article first appeared, we were
back on the front page -- "Gathering clears air on gays"
(October 7, 1992). The article described the meeting of more
than 100 people who squeezed into a small faculty lounge to
hear ''several members of the Phillips faculty who wanted to
make it clear that they had not sanctioned Perspectives ... " One
organizer noted that their purpose was to ''share redemptive
powers." Following a heated and extremely emotional exchange on the morality of homosexuality, ••a variety of views
on the Scriptures, Christian love, and campus responsibilities
were discussed." "Supporters of the club challenged everyone
to come out to meetings and find out what the club [was] really
about.''
"Several students broke into tears in explaining that
judging fellow human beings seemed completely opposite of
Christian love.'' The campus Chaplin praised the meeting •'for
creating discussion, bringing people together, and giving people
a chance to examine their differences.'' The University
President said that "a university should be a place for free and
open inquiry.'' He ''approved of the public forum,'' and said
that the ''subject has not been 'as widely debated as it ought to
be.'''
4 Her/and Voice October, 1993
In the weeks following, the Enid News and Eagle was filled
with letters to the editor from readers who were "shocked."
They couldn't believe that Phillips could "call themselves a
Christian University and yet allow such perverse behavior."
They worried about the campus getting a •'big epidemic of
AIDS," compared homosexuality with "cohabitating with a
dog or horse,'' reminded us that' 'God made Adam and Eve, not
Adam and Steve,'' and that the ·'only place [they] hadeverread
where God wiped out a whole city was because of homosexuality.'' In addition to the letters in the press, I received several
letters (some anonymous, but most signed) that quoted scripture, reminded me that such behavior was ''perverse'' and that
the writer was "disgusted" about the university's "decision to
acknowledge this perversion.' ' Over a period of several weeks,
my secretary got harassing phone calls. In December a student
wrote a letter to the campus community complaining (among
many other things) about my teaching, although she wasn't a
student in my class. Parents and students visited the Dean's
office, concerned that I was allowed to teach at Phillips.
One day I was invited to visit an Enid elementary school
for a special program they were having. Distraught that the
press hadn't come to cover this special event, one of the
teachers said, "Gee, it's too bad that the newspaper wasn't here
for this.'' One of the school counselors responded to the group:
"We should have told them Jan was coming!"
In tht'. midst of all of the controversy, I received a wonderful letter of support from a retired Disciples minister from Enid.
He told me of his lesbian daughter and how much he supported
her. He said he was ''pleased about the formation of a gay and
lesbian support group on campus.'' Letters like his weren't as
frequent as the others, but they more than made up for them.
Several gay alums living in Enid called to say they wished there
had been a group on campus when they were students. Fellow
faculty members, the chaplin, and the retired Disciples minister
dropped by my office routinely to make sure I was "OK,"
express support, and share hugs. A student popped her head into
my office and said, "Dr. McDonald, you don't know me, but
I just wanted you to know that some of us are really sorry to see
what you've had to go through."
As the debate persisted, several contributors askedfor their
money back from the University. "Concerned Christians"
questioned the President when he attended community functions. The President wrote a letter to the campus community
and reminded them of the mission of the University. He wrote,
it is a place ''where free and open inquiry takes place,'' •'where
each of us is heard, where the opinions of each of us are
respected, where our differences are honored, and where our
persons are held in the highest regard.''
Things settled down after the new year. For a while, I
thought we were past the eye of the storm. The group was
meeting twice a month and offered a variety of programs. Our
attendance at meetings ranged from ten to 25 and included a
consistent group of self-declared heterosexuals. We watched
films and videos with gay and lesbian themes, we discussed
commitment versus marriage, we had AIDS and safer sex
awareness seminars, we shared coming out stories. We had a
guest speaker from San Francisco who had lived as a transvestite while growing up in Enid and had recently completed sex-
change surgery. She wore a gold sequined dress with matching
spike heels, spoke bluntly, and announced her HIV positive
status.
February brought National Condom week and the Umbrella Coalition on campus planned a week of activities. The
issue stimulated controversy and the campus and local press
descended. The papers, once again, were filled with articles
and letters to the editors. On February the 16th, three local
churches bought a full page of the Enid paper and filled it with
seven full-length columns of their names and a letter to the
President of the University. They wrote that they were "embarrassed" and "offended" by the "open promotion of the
homosexual lifestyle" and "condom activities" on campus.
The President's lawn was littered with garbage and an old toilet
bowl. More contributors requested their donations be returned.
The next day, the President and the Board of Trustees ran
their own full-page ad. The University Seal was set above a
bold-lettered, ''THE PURPOSE OF PHILLIPS UNIVERSITY.'' This was followed by the University motto, its mission
statement, and its objectives and methods. Appearing at the
bottom of the page was a statement signed by the President and
the Chairman of the Board. It read, •'there is unanimity on the
University campus that gay and lesbian persons are entitled to
be treated with all the respect due any student ... " The
University affirmed their commitment to ''recognize the profound seriousness of sexually transmitted diseases''. and to.
"increased efforts" to encourage "personal discipline" and
•'education.''
I have no idea how this year will be for me and the Phillips
community. I know thatlfeel welcome and valued. My partner
Judy came to the opening campus picnic, something we never
would have considered last year. She was warmly welcomed
by those few who had already met her and those who had only
known of her. This year Judy's name follows min-e in the
campus directory. In the middle of a wall-size puzzle, showing
campus activities and organizations welcoming students and
parents to campus, was a puzzle piece in bold blue that said:
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual Association. Seven new and former
students have come out to me. On the other hand, the editor of
the school newspaper just printed an editorial condemning the
''immoral lifestyle'' of homosexuals and the puzzle piece has
been cut out and removed several times in the first three weeks
of school. Each time, though, it has been replaced by notes like
•'this may not be your thing, but this group is a part of our
campus community.'' I have no idea what will be in store for
us this year at Phillips, but on most days, I really look forward
to the second year of my life in Enid, America.
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COMING
Our...
I've battled with it for years. Do I keep it all inside and
agonize or do I let the secret out? I can remember the muskscented nurse that cared for me during a hospitalization at age
6, Mrs. Girod, my 4th grade homeroom teacher going through
a divorce whom I wanted to hug tenderly, Miss Dickinson in 9th
grade Home Economics who instilled in me the classic phrase,
"Girls, you're lilt a machine that a guy can pop a quarter into
and get any pleasure he wants!'', and then Kellee in my collegebound English class who sat in front of me - my insides ai;;hcd
when she turned around long enough to wink at me with those
greenish-hazel eyes and flash a quick smile. There were
countless others - my most favorite was Peggy - short for
Margaret. She had long, wine colored nails, perfect calves
attached to petite feet in 3-inch pumps and sleek, dark brown
hair. We were at the Market Street Bar, drunk on margaritas,
when she abruptly hugged me and said very confidently that she
was divorcing her husband. I was ecstatic - now was my
opportunity to become closer to her, and then she announced
that she was in love with Bobby who was joining the Air Force.
I hurt over it because I worshipped her. I asked her out anyway
and she declined. She married Bobby and on her last day of
work, before moving to Illinois with him, I gave her a pair of
Garnet earrings. Her face lit up and she cried as she hugged me.
I can still smell her hair and feel her soft skin ... and it still hurts
ten years later.
Since then, I've had relationships with women and men in fact, I'm married now to a man that I love, but am emotionally
distant from. I love a woman who is my true love, emotionally
and spiritually. We cherish every second and spend our time
to the fullest extent. My "coming out" is a consistent
experience -it may never be complete, but it is gratifying ..
To Debbie I. from Robbie H.
0
Our SroRY #
1,000,000,001
COMING
It was as if she laid arson to my soul and body; fire
enhancers in every comer, a rain of kerosene over all; and one
small match - one laugh leaping from her eyes and breathed
through her sweet little teeth from a distance just inside my
personal-integrity zone - no wonder when the fire caught I set
a new standard for the word ·'easy''.
The giant hand of Creator, Life Force, La Laba, the
raunchy goddess Bauba, Joy and Gladness, Yin and Yang, the
goddess, the one real god and all gods, reached through that
beautiful sexy woman to my midsection, found the dual switches
of my physical and emotional senses, and turned me on. I
supposed that I must have reeled from the shock; if I had not
managed to lower my eyes from hers I would surely have
burned to an ash in a moment. My skin glowed neon; and I
expected at any moment for the management of the place to ask
me to leave.
I could as easily have held back the ocean tide, or denied
myself my next breath, as to deny this firestorm.
Another Vote for "Orientation"
0
Her/and Voice October, 1993
5
A
QUESTION OF OUTNESS
by Peggy Johnson
When did I first come out?
Was it in the fifth grade when I surreptitiously snuck my
arm around Rosemarie's shoulders while we were watching a
film in the auditorium? (Smile a little smile for me, Rosemarie,
Rosemarie.)
Was it at 12 or 13 when I read an article on handwriting
which said if your p's and q's tails below the line are pointed
you have •'homosexual tendencies'' and I saw that mine did?
Was it in band when I got jealous when my flute-playing
friend Michele went out with boys instead of me?
Was it in college when I followed Cindy around until she
started hanging out with me?
Was it when the other girls on the dorm hall called me a
lesbian and told me I had to move and alll knew was that I loved
a woman? My roommate still thought of me as me and didn't
want me to move. My love and I ignored it all (or so we thought)
and hopped a train for California.
Was it the following summer after she decided she wasn't
·'gay'' and I had a boyfriend when I realized consciously that
"It's women. I like women."?
Was it the relationship I discovered with a woman right
after I realized that "It's women"? (That thing of the heart.)
Was it when I realized that Anita Bryant was talking about
me?
Was it the first time I went to a gay bar?
Was it the first time I went to a lesbian bar?
Was it the time I bought The Joy of Lesbian Sex at the mall
in Macon, Georgia?
Was it the time my mother asked me if I were homosexual
and I said yes?
Was it the first time I called myself gay?
Was it the first time my mother called me a lesbian like it
was something bad?
Was it the first time I called myself lesbian and realized
that was something beautiful?
Was it when I claimed the word "dyke" as my own?
Was it when I realized I never had to date men again?
Was it when I checked "no" on the have-you-everengaged-in-homosexual-acts box of the Navy admission form
·
and knew I was lying?
Was it when the Navy asked me ifl were a lesbian and I said
yes?
Was it the firsttime I told a friend, co-worker, teacher, boss
that I am a lesbian?
Was it when I wrote Don't Say No, High School Senior,
That Thing of the Heart?
Was it the first time my name ever appeared in the Herl and
Voice?
Was it the first time I said "lesbian" into a microphone?
Was it the first time I ever told the teller of a gay or lesbian
joke that I thought it was offensive?
Was it the first time I ever listened to Meg Christian and
Cris Williamson?
6 Her/and Voice October, 1993
Was it when I checked out library books by Jill Johnston,
Del Martin, Phyllis Lyon, Kate Millet?
Was it the first time I sang for a benefit for some lesbian
or gay cause?
Was it the first time I went to a lesbian and gay pride rally
or wore at-shirt with an L or a G on it?
Was it the time a friend and I smiled and waved at the
people who yelled "Dyke!!" at us out their car window?
Was it the first time the Daily Oklahoman or the Oklahoma
Gazette ever published an article mentioning that I am a
lesbian?
Was it the first time I ever thought it, wrote it, said it, did
it?
Was it the first time someone else thought that I was?
Is it in this article when the hardest part is not corning out
but is admitting that I had a few relationships with men?
Is it every time I tell my story to others so maybe it will
ease their burden of silence or, better yet, breaking it?
I don't know. All I do know is that this is my story and I
love it. I love it because it's mine. I love it because it's rich with
culture and experience. And it means that through now I have
made it. I have made it beyond societal boundaries, norms and
prescribed role-play to become myself. I have cut the puppet
strings and been given the gift of reality, the gift of true love.
No regrets.
0
COMING
Our
Coming out was a long procedure for me. When I was 17
years old I was in love with my best friend. After 3 years of
telling me •'I love you, and no man could mean as much as you
do to me'', she came home and told me she was getting married,
and moving to Colorado. Would I move with them? Needless
to ·say I wa3 heartbroken. So I did what society taught me to do.
I got married, had three children, stayed home and pretended to be the happy homemaker. But it didn't work, afterten
years of trying to conform to society I left.
After awhile we moved in with a single mother and her two
children. We became very close. She told everyone I was her
Significant Other. I didn't know anything about being a
lesbian. She was a big tease she wanted to be cuddled every
night, slept naked, wanted full body rubs, and to top it off she
even wanted to take showers together. But according to her we
were not lovers. I knew I wanted more than this. I wanted a real
relationship with a woman. But who? I didn't 1 know any
lesbians. I didn't even know Wichita Kansas had any gay bars.
I took a job of running a transitional home for homeless
women and children. I lived there and had an open door policy.
One night a friend I didn't know well came walking in all
depressed and needing a place to stay. I asked her if she wanted
her ownroom or to share mine. Was I ever glad she didn't want
to be alone, and wanted to share mine. (Sorry ladies, nothing
happened). She became a regular evening guest after that.
My feelings for her were different than I'd ever felt before.
I'd watch her get off the bus in front of the house. I'd sneak
peeks of her in the bathtub. I'd tickle her jut so I could touch
her. I'd sit on her lap just to feel her arms around me. I was in
love, but what do I do with all these feelings?
One night I told her I wanted a relationship with a woman.
(I should have been more assertive and told her ''The woman
I want is you, Karen"!) ·
Karen thought I wanted someone else. She told me she'd
been with a woman before and couldn't live the lesbian
lifestyle. (Shit, my heart was broken again.)
Karen kept coming over, sleeping over. One momllig I
was awakened by the most gentle hand caressing my breast~
W e didn't talk about it until later that evening. I've never
been the same since.
My whole life something was missing. It all came clear;
the love, the understanding, the closeness of being with
another woman.
What I'd been looking for was a soul sister. I found that
in Karen. We've been together for five years now and I plan
to spend the rest of my life with her.
ByB. S.
o
CLUES
When I finally realized where my affectional/sexual orientation & preference lay, I had the easiest coming out in all of
history; everyone else, it seems, already knew, and they were
happy I finally figured it out. I got congratulatory cards. and
even some presents, from friends and family alike. Just a few
of my early-life clues were:
D I nearly dislocated my shoulder trying to kiss my elbow
when I was little, trying to change from a girl to a boy.
D For the talent show at summer camp between my 7th &
8th grades, I performed my interpretation of' 'Be My Love'' in
drag, sounding as much as I could like Mario Lanza. The camp
(talk about ''camp''!) was amazed.
D I have always loved men's clothes. I used to tell myself
I wanted to be with someone wearing them; in reality I wanted
to be in them.
D The sexiest human being I ever saw was a cocky young
dyke in full masculine drag, with not one but three very
feminine, very attractive women on her arm. She was probably
twenty-five or thirty, slim and elegant and commanding, with
very short dark hair, wearing a grey pinstripe suit. She was
breathtaking; her face and figure and aura are imprinted on my
mind; but I never thought consciously of her again until I came
out many years later.
D I was al ways secret! y convinced that men were incapable
of actually loving anyone except themselves, or possibly their
sons, fathers or brothers. (I have since come to believe that a
few are as capable of love as women are.)
D With a few important exceptions, almost all of my
friends for years before coming out were lesbians.
D Of the seven women including my sister and me and two
sets of first cousins, five and a half are lesbians; and I was the
last to know it or act on it. (The last, that is, unless my sister
is yet to come out, heh heh.)
I wish everyone could have as easy and happy a comingout as I did; but maybe I wouldn't have been so lucky with it if
I had read my feelings and come to my senses at a more
reasonable age. Everything is a trade-off, I guess.
An Old but Happily Practicing Lesbian
O
SLEEPING OVER
One day in 4th grade, Jimmy came to school and told us he
had found out how babies are made and how people ''do it''.
Then on Friday some of us girls in the class rode the school bus
home to S's house out in the country for a sleep-over. Before
dinnertime, we all wentoutto theriverbedandtalkedoverwhat
Jimmy had told us and we decided to see what it might be like
to touch one another. Later, back at the house after supper,
games of tag, and hide and seek, we went upstairs to the old iron
bed. The three of us would take turns experimenting the
missionary position, utilizing our hands to create the "excitement" with the partner, laughing and giggling at the tickling
sensation, at the same time supremely cognizant of the necessity
to be quiet about our activities, for S;s mom and dad were
sleeping downstairs; but her three brothers were not far away in
a room down the hall. We whispered about how men nd women
went about such activities, although it was difficult to imagine
that our own parents actually did such things ...
7th grade: On our way back to town from a ballgame at
Hazelton, 40 miles away, Opal was describing how kissing takes
place, using her experiences with her boyfriend as references.
I asked her just how kissing should be done properly, and
suggested that she show me. She explained that when the lips
meet, there must al ways be left a small space, so that if the boy
intends to kiss in the French mode, there would be room enough
for the tongue. Opal was sitting on my lap in the crowded car,
and we put a coat over our heads and Opal demonstrated this
technique. I pretended to be a slow learner, to require more
instruction, so that more practice would be required ...
My senior year in college, my roommate and some other
friends and I went to Wichita to visit the gay bars. Entering the
first bar on our tour, I saw two women and a male classmate of
my sister, seated at a table near the door. Now my hometown
had a population of a booming 4090, so there were no secrets,
as I was soon to discover, for the three patrons from my
hometown assured me that they had always "known" about me.
At one point during the evening, the bartender brought me a
drink I had not ordered. He explained that it was from Kenny
(my former fiance), seated at the bar .. A few years earlier, we
had decided to cancel our wedding plans, as I was not of that
persuasion, and obviously, neither was he.
Of the episodes related to my coming out, the sleepover
experiment is my fondest memory ..
by L. as told to S.
O
Published by: Herland Sister Resources, Inc. 2312 N.W. 39th, Oklahoma
City, OK 73112
Newsletter Committee:
Reaves
Margaret Cox, Deborah Fox, Vivien Ng,
Pat
Circulation: 1100
Advertising Rates: Business card $15; 1/4 page $35; 1/2 page $60; full
page $100
The Voice is offered as an open forum for community discourse. Articles
reflect the opinions of the author and not necessarily those of Herland Sister
Resources. Unsolicited articles and letters to the editor are welcomed and
must be signed by the writer with full name and address. Upon request,
letters or articles may be printed under a pseudonym or anonymously.
Subscriptions to The Voice are free upon request.
The Voice is printed on recycled paper.
Her/and Voice October, 1993
7
DIVERSITY WITHIN OUR
OWN COMMUNITY: A
FIRST STEP
By Judith S. Kaufman
September 24-26 was the weekend for the retreat ·at
Ardmore. It was also Yorn Kippur which began on sundown
Friday night and ended on sundown ·Saturday night. Yom
Kippur is one of the Jewish high holidays; it is the holiest day
of the year and marks the end of a ten day period that begins with
Rosh Ha-Shanah. Rosh Ha-Shanah is the Jewish new year
which marks the year 5754. Yorn Kippur and the days which
precede it are a time for most Jews (religious and non-religious)
to come together and introspect on the experiences of the past
year and how those experiences can be used to make the coming
year a better one. We traditionally say to each other ''LeShanah Tovah' ' which means ' 'may the coming year be a good
one for you." The new year is also a time to seek forgiveness
from those you may have hurt during the past year, and it is a
time to grant forgiveness as well. Even for non-religious Jews,
Yorn Kippur is embedded in our cultural history. It is a time of
the year when you especially take notice of your identity as a
Jew and your solidarity with other Jews.
The ideas ofJewish religion and culture are important ones
to understand. I, like many Jews, consider my self a secular Jew.
I do not believe in god, but this does not diminish or trivialize
my Jewishness. Jews share a rich history that is marr~d by
hatred and oppression and in the face of this we hold dearly to
our history to keep the culture alive. I have a tremendous
amount of pride in being a Jew and the holidays are a time to
celebrate that pride, a time to remember my history and a time
to recall my childhood when my entire family came together at
my grandmother's house to feast, celebrate, remember, and
rejoice in being a Jew. In this way, the holidays are inextricably
tied to Jewish identity which for many includes religion, but for
all includes culture.
I understand that Herland has adopted a policy of ignoring
all holidays based on your belief that the women's community
is not particularly religious. This belief entails the assumption
that your beliefs are representative of the entire community.
Simone de Beauvoir once said that men describe the world from
their own point of view and then confuse their view with the
absolute truth. What you have done is to confuse a belief about
yourselves for the truth. Your decision to ignore the holidays
has had the result of excluding all those who do not share you
views. In my case, your policy of exclusion is a form of antiSemitism that is not overt or easily identified. It is one which
Irena Klepfisz describes as " elusive and difficult to pinpoint,
for it is either the anti-Semitism ofomission or one which
trivializes the Jewish experience. 1 I am not raising the issue of
anti-Semitism to make you feel guilty, and I do not want you
to see this as yet " another ism" to deal with. This is about all
of us becoming fuller human beings because we recognize that
we do not all see the world in the same way. As women, and
as lesbians and bisexuals we know what it means to live in a
8 Her/and Voice October, 1993
world that tries to discount us and deny our existence. We need
to learn from this knowledge and bring it to bear on our own
community.
IfHerland has as one of its goals to be inclusive, to achieve
diversity then you must take the time to educate yourselves and
to sensitize yourselves to the needs of the community you
would like to reach out to. The first step involves raising your
level of consciousness and recognizing that your beliefs naturally differ from the community that you would like to include.
I have written this essay in the spirit of dialogue and education.
My hope is that is stimulates a dialogue on issues of diversity
within the Herland community and that this dialogue leads to
commitment and action to achieve diversity. I missed you this
year at the fall retreat, and I want you to know that I am grateful
for Herland. My life here in Oklahoma and as a lesbian is easier
and fuller because of your existence.
Le-Shanah Tovah!
1
From Irena Klepfisz, Dreams of an Insomniac: Jewish
Feminist Essays, Speeches and Diatribes. (Portland, Oregon:
The Eighth Mountain Press, 1990)
D
•
HERLAND RESPONSE
The Fall' 93 Herland Retreat coincided with Yorn Kipper,
the highest and most holy of Jewish holidays. Because of this
the retreat lost the company of some fine women, and we
sincerely regret this. We also regret any pain this caused.
Herland has long had a practice of not recognizing religious holidays, as many of us feel that organized religion has
been the source of much suffering, especially on the part of
women. However, we do not want to exclude anyone, or give
offense; and we recognize that Jewish culture is much more
than a religion.
We are grateful for Judy's willingness to educate us and
the Herland community and hope the Voice will continue to be
a forum for a dialogue on the the women' snesbian community
and welcoming diversity vs. exclusion. Additionally, all women
are welcome to attend and have input at all Herland Board
meetings.
ARTIST COLLECTIVE FORMED
Eight central Oklahoma artists have formed a collective through
the Triangle Association of Oklahoma City to provide a wider forum
for the work oflesbian, gay and bisexual artists. Known as the Queer
Consortium, the group plans to host art showings on a bi-monthly
basis at the Triangle Association offices, 2135 N.W. 39th Street in
Oklahoma City.
"There is a tremendous amount of excellent work being produced by Oklahoma's gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual community," said
Triangle Association Director, Dale Smithson. "It's our hope that
the Consortium will give all Oklahomans a chance to become
familiar with this work.
Triangle Association is a non-profit HIV testing, counseling,
treatment and outreach center. The Association administers free,
anonymous HIV testing seven days a week, provides treatment for
people testing HIV positive and for people living with AIDS. The
Association is open from noon to 10 p.m . seven days a week. For
more information call 843-8378.
D
OKC
HUMAN RIGHTS
ORDINANCE
Herlander' s
celebrate the
closing of the
Lower Deck.
The
Lower
Deck, a Norman bar that
had posted a
sign
"No
Dykes" was the
site of protests
and a boycott
led by Simply
Equal - Norman.
The Oklahoma City Council will consider adoption of
revised human rights ordinance at their meeting on October
5. The proposed ordinance, recommended by the Oklahoma
City Human Rights Commission, includes sexual orientation
as a protected category. I
The proposed ordinance will prohibit discrimination
based on age, disability, sexual orientation, familial in
addition to race, religion, color, creed, sex, ancestry, or
national origin which are included in the existing ordinance.
The proposed ordinance is scheduled for a vote on
October 5. City council members may be reached to
register your opinion on the ordinance by calling:
Mayor Ron Norick -- 297-2424
Frosty Peak, Ward 1 -- 297-2569
Mark Schwartz, Ward 2 -- 297-2402
Jack Cornett, Ward 3 -- 297-2404
Frances Lowery, Ward 4 -- 297-2402
Jerry Foshee, Ward 5 -- 297-2569
Beverly Hodges, Ward 6 -- 297-2402
Willa Johnson, Ward 7 -- 297-2569
Jackie Carey, Ward 8 -- 297-2404
0
HELP!
Your back hurts, you get headaches too often, you
can't sit comfortably for any length of time, you
hate driving on long trips because your shoulders
get so tense, you wish you could run but when you
try your body just feels too sluggish, when you
play golf it really bothers your left shoulder, you
feel like you can't breathe as fully as you'd like,
gravity seems to be getting the best of you.
If any of the above is true for you (or anything else you can think
of), you may benefit from Aston Patterning®, a form of "bodywork." Aston Patterning includes exploring different ways of
using your body in your daily life, whether it be at work, sports,
performing arts, sleeping or reading in bed. It also involves
hands-on deep tissue release work and massage. It helps you
find a way to get out of the pain circuit and into a body that is
more yours than you ever thought it could be.
For more information, call Rhonda at
942-4748
The traditional campfire was just one of the highlights of
Herland's Fall Retreat. Over 100 retreaters laughed, played,
sang, and built community during the three day retreat at Lake
Murray State Park.
SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER:
Four 1 lh-Hour Sessions for just $13000
FOR NEW CLIENTS
Her/and Voice October, 1993
9
Dykes To Watch Out For
r-----------,
1
: JIULLE'l IN JIOAlln :
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
WANTED: Stories, episodes, etc. of
your experiences on or about the Red
River, red-eared sliders, rose rocks, redtailed hawks, other experiences with
RED in Oklahoma. Send to - or contact
-SuzanCeterra, P. O. Box513,Bethany,
Oklahoma 73008. THANKS!
I
I
I
I
Lesbian Only Counseling group,
Wednesday evenings . Call Jo L. Soske,
M.Ed/MHR/NCADC/NCC/LPC at 3645708.
"Teaching Alternatives to Violence";
Speech and Dialogue with Colman
McCarthy, Saturday, October 2, at 8
p.m ., at St. Luke's United Methodist
Church, 222 NW 15th, OKC. Mr.
McCarthy, nationally known as a writer
for the Washington Post, has for decades taught peace studies and nonviolent conflict resolution in Washington
D.C. schools and colleges.
LESBIAN POTLUCK: Lesbian faculty and staff employed at Oklahoma
universities and colleges are invited to a
potluck dinner on October 16 at 7 p.m.
in Stillwater. For more details, call
Judy at (405) 377-4718 in Stillwater or
Vivien at (405) 364-2693 in Norman.
I
I
Thanks to all those who donated prizes
for the raffle held at the fall retreat: The
Kitchen, Lobos, C&A Designs, Peggy
Johnson, Diana Faulkner and Tommy
Thomas.
Advocacy Without Fear! The League
HERLAND FINANCIAL REPORT JANUARY - JUNE,
1993
Operating Account
Income:
$13,126
Donations
$
$
Bookstore sales
Retreat Registrations
Events
$
Other
$
2,325
2,467
$ 2,965
2,807
2,562
Expenses
$15,842
Building
$
5,102
{Mortgage, utilities & maintenance)
Newsletter
Inventory
Retreat
Program
Other Expense
$
$
$
$
$
2,284
1,881
1,679
4,579
315
Herland Legal Defense Fund
Income:
$835
Donations $135
Christmas in July $700
10 Her/and Voice October, 1993
Expenses:
$1145
Payments to attorneys $1000
$ 145
Mailing
of Women Voters of Oklahoma will
present a lobbying seminar on Friday,
November 3 at the Oklahoma State Capitol. For more information contact the
League of Women Voters, 525 NW 13,
OKC, OK 83103 or call (405)236-5 338.
The Audre Lorde Poetry Competition sponsored by The Cleveland Poetry Center is open to all lesbian poets
of color. The winning poet will have her
manuscript published by the Cleveland
Poetry Center at Cleveland State University in Spring, 1994. For more information contact, Prof. Nuala Archer,
Director Cleveland Poetry Center, CSU
Department of English, Rhodes Tower,
Room 1815, Cleveland Ohio 44115 .
\.
___________ _,
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
\\lednesday Thursday
BIRTHDAYS: October 2, 1800, Nat Turner and 1869,
Mahatmas Gandhi; October 4, 1946, Susan Sarandon
(aka Louise); October 10, 1956, Martina Navratilova·
October 11, 1884, Eleanor Roosevelt and 1879, Joe '
Hill; and October 27, 1932, Sylvia Plath.
4
3
5
6
7
Friday
Allison
Joseph
at OSU
8 pm
Student.Union
Th eat.re
U NATIONAL
AIDS Walk
2pm
Brickt.own
17~
B
Board
11eetinE.S
4:30
24
3a
12
13
14
15
MISS BROWN
TO YOV
at.
VZD's
42nd &
N. Western
10 p.m.
Comine Out
Dinner
call Herland
fbr delails
Come Out
CoR1e Oul
Wherever
You are!!!
19
20
21
22
Herl and
Defense
Fund
Meelin£1
6:30 pm
16
PEGGY
JOHNSON
al t.he
Grateful Bean
fOt.h & Walker
in OKC
9
2
pm
~1CHT
THE
RIGHT
Conference
•
Le~al
25
MOON
BALL
at. the
1st. Unitarian
Church,
600 NW t3t.h
OKC
8 pm
Ca:y
Octoberf'l:!st.
COMING OUT
DAY
18
~RVEST
9
8
Herl and
LeeaJ Defense
Fund
Meet.in£'
6:30 p.m.
10
Saturday
*The Therapy
Sislers 111ilh
Mar:yRe:ynolds
see infb below
26
27
28
29
I
30
PEGGY
JOHNSON
at.
La BaE1uet.t.e
323 W. Bo:yd
Norman
9 pm
* The newest Therapy Sister is Oklahoma's own Mary Reynolds. They will be in
concert Saturday, October 23, at 8 p.m., at the Blue Door Cafe (once widely
known as the Hotel Bohemia). Tickets are $7.00. For more info call 525-7472.
Fine and
Spooky
-Nieht.1
HERLAND SISTER RESOURCES INC
Doc Herland Does Mail Order on the Cris Williamson/Tret
Fure Concert Tickets ••. Call
or Write Doc Herland at the
Store, address/phone # --->
2312 N. \\I. 39th Street
Oklahoma Cit)', Oklahoma 73112
405/ 521-9696
Hours: Salurdaws to - 6; Sundaws t - 6
NonPlofil Org.
U.S. Postage
PAID
Oklahoma City, Okla.
Penn~
2312 N.W. 39th Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 73112
ADDRESS CORRECTION REQUESTED
RETURN POSTAGE GUARANTEED
No. 861